Sagmeister's News NOVEMBER 2000

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*****SAGMEISTER�S NEWS ~~ NOVEMBER 2000*****

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2000*****

Dear Readers--Sometime there is absolutely no reason or rhyme for a damned thing. This is one of those times�.
Sighed Katherine, a Florida political Bag:

�I�m wired, all het up,
But I�m starting to sag,
I�ve been working so hard for my nominee�.
I hate this! Can�t stand it!
I�d much rather be
An ambassador or senator elect,
But from this campaign I will not defect�.
If I could find some way to win this for him,
I�d have it all made�be in the swim�.�

Then Jim Baker, the elephant, passed by her there,
In the middle of the counting that just wasn�t fair�.
�I�m working for Bushes again,� he said with a smile,
�With your help we can do this in a very short while�.�

�Whatever you want me to do I will do,� she said, with real glee,
�Then all the Republicans will be looking at me,
And they�ll think I�m quite something, really first class,
When I make Al Gore fall flat on his ass�.�

�What we want you to do,� said mean old Jim Baker,
�Is not count those votes�be a real shaker,
Just tell them it�s the law and between you and me...
Tell the networks this also and soon you will see
The public accept this, as the news it will spread,
We can say Gore�s a commie--paint him as red�.
Trying to steal this election when we�ll know all the time�
That we�re the ones committing a crime--

�How splendid,� said Katherine, examining her seal,
��Cause I�m old and I�m flabby and lack sex appeal,
But if I can pull this little trick off they will see,
I�m smart and important and they�ll all look to me,
For the final solution of this coup d�etat
And this great resolution that beat Arkansas.�

But Gore went to the courts to find out his fate,
And asked the Supremes of that Florida state,
For some help in this fraudulent voter recount,
As the votes for him continued to mount and he knew deep within,
This election was his, he had won fair and square from the GOP diz,
So the courts set a deadline...said �we�ll give you some time�
But it ends on Sunday�there�s no reason or rhyme...we just think
That it�s the right thing to do--we are the Supremes and to hell with you.��

So the counters they counted as the tension it mounted and all of
The networks announcers recounted,
How Bush was ahead when everyone knew,
Goddamnit, this just wasn�t true�.
Gore was ahead in the popular vote, and the electors were his--
He had sunk Bush�s boat, but still they were saying everywhere
That Bush had won this. It just wasn�t fair�.
But Katherine, she watched with a smile on her face,
As Jim Baker filed lawsuits all over the place�
And bided her time as she snuggled with Jeb--
Another little fly she had drawn to her web�
For she was acting like a black widow spider,
As she drew her threads tighter and tighter,
And the GOP brought their troops to the fore,
To stop the counting for poor Al Gore.

John Sweeney, an Elephant Rep. From New York,
Carved the Democrats up without using a knife or a fork--
Called in his troops from D.C. and all �round--
Had every young Nazi that could be found�.
To march on that canvassing board and say,
�You�re unfair, you are cheating, let�s call it a day.��

And they hit them and kicked them as the GOP led,
While the law and the government just turned their head,
And when they had caused the vote count to stop,
Without anyone even calling a cop,
They were f�ted and dined and given the thanks
Of the Fascist Elephants as they poured them some drinks�.
They had won, they had beaten the Democrat faction,
And stopped this bit of Democracy in action--
The voters would lose every vote they had cast,
And the Democrats would be out on their ass�.

But some of the counters kept busy and counted,
While Katherine watched and the tension it mounted�
Would the counters have enough time?
Would the elephants get by with this horrible crime?
Would all of the traipsing into those courts
Amount to nothing but a favorite sport?
And the networks, they blasted poor Al Gore,
And said the electorate were all getting sore--
That they were tired of this stuff, and were just hell bent,
On electing any son of bitch for their President.

So Katherine, she waited and the Bushes all knew...
Along with Albaugh and Rove and that old Karen Hughes,
That the time was coming when they�d intercede,
Someday when George W. was out smoking his weed�.
And they waited and waited and talked a lot more
About how they�d finish off poor Al Gore.

So Sunday came and it came with a flash,
As they all got together to settle Al�s hash�
And Katherine bided the hours as the time it drew nigh,
For her to blow this election clear up to the sky,
She rushed to the State House and their did acclaim,
That George Bush and the President were one and the same�.
And there on that day she did certify
This idiot Texan was America�s guy�.
But Al is a fighter, and knows this, you see�
They are taking away our democracy.
He won�t give up hope �cause there is no doubt,
That both Al�s and our time is about to run out�.

�And on the Good Ship RNC�Old Trick E. Dix is about to see as they plot against you and me--all his hopes and all of his schemes, like old Bob Dole�s be more than dreams...it has taken the Republicans years and years and we thought we had nothing from them to fear but they�ve given up on the drug war and are taking our hope as they give us a President that is a big dope�.

�And on that private Floridian beach, Jeb and Katherine know that victory�s in reach as they plot and plot as is their nature to win this election with the Florida legislature�.

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa, a very coy, scheming creature, looks at George W., and says with a smile, combing her shiny waist-length hair all the while, and pulling her teddy ever close, over her voluptuous figure and wrinkles her nose, as her full breast and perky nipples start to send out little ripples and her long-lashed dark eyes glance as he starts to do his victory dance, �Chor weening, eet ees plain to see�chor party�s a hoor�chust like me�chou seem to be a hoppy fellow�but chou are makeeeing me seek�Hi need some lime chello.��

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
No fun in the sun�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Road blocked. Justice mocked.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Courts full�no winners�just a team of GOP sinners�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Did you know that Clarence Thomas� wife is in the Bush Family Tree?

Answer: Are you surprised?�or are you a little like me?

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2000

You think you are a natural leader but you�re just a bottom-feeder�.

�God Bless America and as the days dwindle down to December the Twelfth and all we can think of is that little elf�put him aside for a little bit more and say a prayer for US and our pal, Al Gore�SAG

~MATTEFFECT~
~Message Board~
the matte effect;
an impure mixture of sulfides and copper producing a flat finish.
in the cinema, a trick of forced perspective
creating the illusion of great size or scope.
in the political parlence
it has,
so far,
explained bush's lead in the polls.
...matt

MikeMalloy.Net Welcomes Truthseekers!
~~Mike's Message Board~~

This Lick Bush Webring site is owned by
SAG.
Want to join the The Lick Bush Webring?

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GORE WENT TO 'NAM; BUSH WENT AWOL!
you'll wanna check this one out!
WHO POISONED THE WHITE RIVER, INDIANA?
BUSHISMS ~ JACOB WEISBERG
"REDEMPTION" ~~ an online novel in progress

Gore Went to 'Nam - Bush went AWOL

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2000*****

After a near all-nighter fueled by coffee and pizzas sent by a local lawyer watching the tedium on TV, the members of the NaPalm Beach County canvassing board knew, as the day began Sunday, that it would be tough to meet the 5 p.m. deadline.

This is the host of �America�s Most Wanted,� bringing you the minute-by-minute replay of the count that didn�t count in beautiful Walla Walla Bing Bang in NaPalm County in fraudulent Florida, the fucked-up state that is fast frittering away our freedom. I am here with the counters in this freakish frightening forum our forefathers fondly forecast as an exercise in the facility of fraternity but that has turned into a flagrant frailty of frenetic finagling. Here with me, supervising this furtive fight for the fraudulent vote, wearing the stopwatch necklace and the notary seal bracelet, is Katherine Harris, Florida Secretary of State, Karen Hughes, Sonny�s�er�Bush�s girl Friday, and Chad Nocount of the Republican Wary Watchers Society, who was just bussed in by the Repug Thugs For A Better America all the way from Austin, Texas. How are you today, Mr. Nocount?

Harris: Let�s get this count under way�it has to be done so I can certify that it is certified by�

Host: But, Ms. Harris�er�Katherine�er�Tammy Faye�this is merely a replay�we already know how this is going to come out and�the networks are all ready to announce�

Hughes: But, it has to LOOK like it�s all�

Host: Mr. Nocount, I notice that you have your vote-watching equipment...

Nocount: Yes�I have my magnifying glasses�my binoculars so I can spot anyone within 50 feet�my walkie-talkie and a cell phone�my camera�my assault weapon, my hole puncher�my lawyer�I am already to be a Republican watcher�.

Host: And this gentleman in back of you? Er�uh�..sir?�your name?

Gent: Never mind my name, I�m the watcher�s watcher�and that guy in back of me is the watcher�s watcher watcher and the guy in back of him is�

Harris: �Are we on camera?�how�s my makeup?�who are you watching?

Nocount: I don�t know about him, but I�m watching that gal over there with the big�

Gent: And I�m watching the guy with the bulge in�

Host: You�re not watching American Democracy in Action here?�the counting of the ballots that are the ballasts of bustling business so that our basic beliefs will not be bogus?

Hughes: I�ve gotta call a news conference--pass out the American flags--incite the American people--get some more GIs in here who can�t sign their name to recite the pledge of allegiance--things are too calm in here..I wanta tell them about that Democrat counter I saw who just put some catsup on that ballot and folded it between two slices of bread and�

Host: Good story, Karen�I think CNN can run with that and MSNBC will�and I know that Faux�

Nocount: I�ll swear I saw that�and...get some affidavits�.

Hughes: ...And that one over there? Did you see that guy just spread jam on that one�dunked it in his damn coffee�then put it in that pile for Gore and�

Nocount: Yeah, I saw that�I think�.

Host: See if we can make the six o�clock�

Hughes: �And �those counters over there--did you see them sprinkling salt and butter over those chads?...hell, they were eating them like popcorn. Get Governor Racicot so he can�

Nocount: He�s with the militia outside the counting room door�reciting the Lord�s Prayer�.

Harris: Calm down. No cause for alarm�their time is my time�.

Hughes: Right�I kind of got carried away...I forgot that the Don had this wrapped up for Sonny a long time ago�.

Harris: Call Fredo� get him to get hold of Big Dick�he has to contact our contacts in the legislature. Get them to�

Counter: We just need a couple of hours�there are votes that are going uncounted. It�s morally unfair not to count�a few more could make a difference�.

Host: Sorry--you forget this is a replay. A reenactment. Take the crime scene tape down, boys. This is a wrap.

�And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Trick E. Dix looks at former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook Robert Dole and says, �What�s up?�

�And off the private Floridian pier on the private Floridian beach of Florida Governor Jeb �Fredo� Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez clutches his Mickey Mouse and steers his power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire due south and says, �Hi ham goeeng home�. Hi ham tired of these freakdom and thee fruits on thee plain,� and Fredo says to a dark-haired woman named Katherine� �Time to take to the mattress�.�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa brushes her waist-length dark hair and smooths the black lace barely titty covering teddy over her voluptuous body and looks at him through her dark long-lashed eyes and says, �Hail to thee sheet.�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Stormy Weather�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Detour to the right�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Goal posted�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

What is George W. Bush�s nickname for Karen Hughes?

Answer: The �high� prophet�.honest to God�.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2000

You decide to affirm your belief in a higher power�by lighting up.

�God Bless America and help David Boies to make some noise�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000*****

AUSTIN, Texas: Texas Governor George W. Bush said Sunday night he was �honored and humbled� to have won Florida�s contested election and asked Al Gore to reconsider his decision to contest the outcome.

Sunday night �Sonny� George W. Bush was escorted by Don Carlo Bush�s armed guards in his bulletproof towncar from the Western White House in Crawford, Texas, to the Western White House in Proffer, Texas, and immediately left for the Western White House in Austin, Texas, where he gave a two-hour speech to a nation that was eagerly awaiting his every word. Assuring the country that he and Cardiac Kid, Richard �The Enforcer� Cheney, would �undertake the responsibility of preparing to serve as America�s next President and Vice President,� he stated that he was anxious to get started, that Dick was pumped, and that he would tap �Handy-Andy� Andrew Card, a top aide and gunslinger, to serve as his chief of staff.

Sources say that this may cause an inner-gang fight, as he had previously promised former top gun �Baby Face� Joe Albaugh that position. Albaugh�s wife, �Malicious� Marge, had recently registered as a lobbyist in the hopes of garnering inside tips from an Albaugh-managed White House and this is certain to cause some ill feelings. Sources say that Albaugh, in retaliation, is now writing a tell-all book entitled �Promises, Promises� or �I Know What Made George Run.�

Wiser heads are wondering if The Man Who Trusts The People arguing not to have the People�s votes counted will not cause some trouble in a Bush Administration and likewise if The Man Who Believes In Tort Reform running to the Supreme Court will not cause some doubt, but one of the Bush Family�s lead attorneys is reassuring.

�We had to take to the mattresses last week,� said Ted �The Terrible� Olson, a Bush Family lawyer who was instrumental in the impeachment of Bill Clinton. �Had to bus in some Repug Thugs tuh stop that count in Broward�had to rough those counters up a little. The Don wants me to argue Sonny�s case in front of the Supremes on Friday. We may come within a hair of losing, but we have no doubt that Thomas will come through.

�The people are just going to have to learn that if they want honor and integrity in the White House, they are first going to have to let Sonny win by any means necessary,� said Karen Hughes, Bush�s girl Friday, on Sunday. �They have to exercise some patience. We have to take one thing at a time here.�

�After all,� said Karl �The Enforcer� Rove, Bush Family lookout, �you have to cut Sonny a little slack. He drank, drove, partied, snorted, chased �pussy,� and went AWOL until he was 40. What the hell do you expect? He has made a remarkable turn-around. And now he is prepared for the fight of his life. He is a man of great moral integrity in the mold of a Richard Nixon who established a precedent for a Republican President in rat-fucking his way into the Presidency by bugging, wiretapping, and burglary. Sonny is a man you can look up to �.a born-again Christian who will lie, cheat, and steal his way to the Highest Office in the Land.�

�Sonny is a boy after my own heart,� said Con Don Carlo Bush, titular head of The Family, after �Krafty� Katherine Hughes, Florida�s Republican Secretary of State and an honorary Family member, had certified the election Sunday sans a full voter count. �I know he will follow in my footsteps and carry on for the Family. He will have a foreign-handed foreign policy, and he will not let his expectations rise above the unexpected, and he believes as do I that to say you are going to do something and then not do it is the true meaning of trustworthiness and that Families is where our nation finds hope and where wings take dreams.�

�And as the Good Ship RNC tentatively sails atop troubled waters, listing ever more to the right, Captain Trick E. Dix turns to former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook Robert Dole and asks, �Why are you going down in the hold?�

�And off the private Floridian pier on the private Floridian beach of Floridian Governor Jeb Bush, the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire bobs in the sea while Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez lets go of his Mickey Mouse and steers with all his might as Florida Governor Jeb Bush says to a dark-haired woman named Katherine, �That kid bugged me�.�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa tosses her waist-length dark shiny hair back from the perfect oval face and holds her black lace teddy snugly to her voluptuous body, covering her full bosoms with the pert nipples, and says, as she looks at Texas Governor George W. Bush from her dark long-lashed eyes, �Eef chou chad ha peemple een your deemple would chou count?� And he replies as he looks to the skies� �That is for a Supreme being to decide�.�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Unsettled pattern persists�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Arteries closed�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush refuses to go down for the count�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Why do you think the Bush lawyers dropped the lawsuit to
reinstate absentee military ballots in more than a dozen Florida counties?
Do you think it was because they thought they might lose?

Answer: Well, whatta yuh think?

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2000

You may have been worried before, but now your weary mind can rest for a while�until the 12th day of December.�

�God Bless America and please let the courts let us have our day�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2000*****

As the Presidential election counts and recounts continue, possibly the only one that will really count will be heard Friday, December 1, before the Supreme Court. Are you speculating about the outcome of this hearing? Are you wondering why the Supreme Court even accepted this case in which they will have to render a decision on state�s rights? The answer is, hell, Bush has this one bagged. Clarence Thomas will be tap dancing to God Father Don Carlo Bush�s tune�.

It all goes back to the time when Clarence Thomas was needing some help--when his human frailties had gotten the best of him and Con Don Carlo Bush came to his aid�.

Thomas: Don Carlo, I am here to plead for my career...my future. I have been humiliated by this woman who has set out to destroy me by exposing me for what I really am, a perverted black lackey who will do anything to get ahead. Race does not mean a thing to me. I am a man bent on reaching his own goals despite the consequences. I will subvert laws, I will lie, I will do anything to achieve my aim. Martin Luther King taught the poor blacks �We Shall Overcome��. �Where is it written HOW we shall overcome? I plead with you, Con Carlo, help me, this poor downtrodden nominee to become a Justice�and someday I may be in a position to repay you with some �justice.�

Con Don Carlo Bush (baring his ass to be kissed): Have no doubts, Thomas, I will cause those who try to ruin you to weep bitter tears. The woman will be blasphemed from every network in the country. She will become a pariah. I will put you in the care of the �Family.� You will receive your nomination and will serve on the highest, the most respected court in the land. It will be helpful for the FAMILY to have a connection there. Someday you may be in a position to repay me and I will call on you to do me a service in return. The WASP branch of the Bush-Corleone family will be watching you.

Last week, another conversation took place:

Con Don Carlo Bush: Thomas?�Don Carlo here, remember back there when I got you that appointment to the Supreme Court�and that little talk we had?�

Thomas: Don�t remember any�.

Bush: Don�t pull any of that bullshit with me�had any coke lately?�got any thrills up on that HILL?�do I have to, by God, spell this out for you?

Thomas: Uh��

Bush: It�s like this�Sonny is in some trouble...he and his baby brother just aren�t as smart as they thought they were. �Thought they could steal an election, but they just don�t know how it�s done�Fredo got his moll, Krafty Kate, to certify those votes by promising her an ambassadorship, but then the Democrats started bringing in all those people that were intimidated by the gang--hell, Clarence, they got over 5000 affidavits about voting fraud and votes that weren�t counted and we�ve gotta�

Thomas: Sounds like it�s legal and�

Bush: Well, by God, you�re in the position to make it illegal. Those Gore people are, by God, assassinating Sonny before he even takes office and�.

Thomas: I heard something about�

Bush: Get your head out of your ass�by God, Clarence�now I�m gonna have Jim-the-Joker Baker file a petition with your Court and, by God, I want�

Thomas: But Don Carlo, I don�t know�

Bush: Now look, Fredo�s legislature in Florida is going to join in, in this law suit...and, by God, this IS MY Supreme Court�this�ll be kinda a family affair�.

Thomas: Well, I saw where Sonny�s gang didn�t like that decision of the Florida Supremes because they were all Democrats, so I guess maybe this would be�

Bush: Right�justice�now those guys on the Florida courts were appointed by Democrat Governors...right?�so it�s only fair that Sonny�s case go to you Supremes, since seven of the nine of your guys were appointed by Republican presidents�including two by me�.what, by God, could be more fair than that�tit for tat and�

Thomas: And no tit for tat�right?

Bush: Your frailties are coming through here, Uncle Thom, but you�re getting the picture�.

Thomas: But the Supreme Court is supposed to be above politics�.

Bush: The key word here, Boy, is �supposed�.�

Thomas: But we�re supposed to be a �state�s rights� Supreme Court�.

Bush: Again�that key word�

Thomas: �And, I guess, I DID promise�.

Bush: Right, we had a deal�you kissed my...uh�er�and I don�t want Sonny�s mom to see him this way�hell, we�ve had those streets in Austin roped off since a week before the election and every time he gets ready to celebrate they bring in another dimple on a pimple and last night they were talking penetration�gettin� kinda dirty soundin� to me�.

Thomas: Penetration? Isn�t there a movie about�

Bush: ...Never mind that, Rastus, don�t start beatin� a dead horse�just be sure all your ducks are in a row�we don�t wanta have to go to the mattresses on this one�Terrible Ted Olson has got his Repugs Thugs together and we may have to turn these ballots into bullets�just remember, Friday�to STEP �N FETCH�

�And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Trick E. Dix peers through his binoculars and looks to sea and says to former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook Robert Dole, �Land Ho�we�re headed for Fantasy Island�.�

�And on the private pier on the private Floridian beach, Florida Governor Jeb Bush takes his foot and gives the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire containing Littlest Saint Alien a push to sea and turns to a dark-haired woman named Katherine and says, �I�m tired of this Mickey Mouse business.��

�And as Mariaelisamonisateresa brushes the tangles out of her waist-length dark hair and fastens her black lace teddy over her voluptuous body as one pert nipple escapes from its confines, she stares through her dark long-lashed eyes at Governor George Bush as he innnnhales and says, �I�m goin� HIGH to th� court....�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Big winds blowing in�storm clouds gather�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
By-passes extended�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Instant replay�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Do you not find it odd that when Bush based his campaign on telling
the electorate to be skeptical of trial lawyers, he is now sending his lawyers to Washington
to petition a state�s rights Supreme Court to overturn a decision?

Answer: Well, if you don�t, you should.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2000

Physical activity is just what you need. Prepare to start kicking your own ass�.

�God Bless America and please let the Supremes thwart Bush�s day in Court�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2000

Ladies and gentulmun, and good mornin� tuh yuh�.
This here is November 26, jus� 19 days since we all went to them votin� places, amen,
and selected the MAN who the majority of us�ns wanted for PRESIDENT�.
And dumb folk that we are,
amen and halleluiah,
we thought that was h�it�amen�.
But now we know it hain�t�waren�t that way a�tall�amen.�
�Stead o� THAT we got THIS BOY, amen,
who keeps sayin� HE, amen, had this �leckshun stole FROM HIM, amen,
a tryin� to confuse US when he knows HE�s the one, amen, who stold this �leckshun�
It�s as plain as thet boil on his face�
amen and halleluiah�.
We �uns are in a mell of a hess, here�
got this BOY with them NAZIS a beatin� up on people, amen,
that were a wantin� to count the VOTES of �merican citizens�
amen and halleluiah�.
An� a STOPPIN� that count and in the middle of this�
got this Cheney guy, amen, a havin� a hard attack, amen,
that they said warn�t no hard attack, amen, and then they say
�wallll�mebbe it were jus� a leetle one....�
...and this GUY who is s�posed to be takin� care of the BOY
is s�posed to be takin keer, amen, of our nashun?
Amen and halleluiah�.
And now the BOY is a gonna take this thing bout �leckshun stealin�
to the S�PREME COURT,
amen and halleluiah,
which is LOADED with them guys like Clarence Thomas--that UNCLE TOM guy
that has them public hairs in his coke and them otherns�
who�ll side with the REAL �leckshun stealers
else they wouldn�t �ve taken the dang case, amen, to begin with�.
And so here we are�amen �us�ns again them �uns�
amen and halleluiah�
Hain�t no more UNITED STATES�
we is the DIVIDED STATES, amen�and divided we fall�.
So we better be a gettin� our ack together here�purty soon� amen�.
I kin onley say I hope the MAN wins�
cuz that BOY don�t know shinola from apple butter,
amen and halleluiah,
and that baby sitter o� his
jus� hain�t got
the heart
fer it�.

�Amen an' Halleluiah... ...The Rev.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2000

TALLAHASSEE, FL--Nov. 25: Vice President Al Gore�s lawyers said Thursday that they will contest election results in Miami-Dade �and perhaps other counties� regardless of who is certified this Sunday as the winner of Florida�s decisive 25 electoral votes. �We regret the delay that this will cause, but we are going to continue to press our case.�

Sources say that regardless of an outcome, an elaborate �certification party� is being planned for Sunday evening by the Bush forces. �Regardless of the count, George Bush is going to be certified,� said Karen Hughes, Bush�s girl Friday, on Saturday. �We have all known for some time now that our candidate is certifiable.�

Bush chief strategist Karl Rove was quoted as saying �All we have to do is marshal our forces, threaten some more counters, as we did on Wednesday in Broward-Dade, and we can bring this exercise in democracy to a close.�

WASHINGTON, DC--NOV. 24: Republican Vice Presidential Candidate Dick Cheney, recovering after what doctors called a �slight heart attack,� was reported in good condition Thursday.

�If Cheney continues to do as perfectly as he�s been doing, he will be good as new,� said a hospital spokeswoman.

Reliable sources say that this is merely propaganda and that Mr. Cheney, in truth, suffered a fatal heart attack election night and has in reality been dead for quite some time. However, Uri Fleischer, spokesman for the Bush staff, said today, �Although Mr. Cheney�s heart stopped beating, he is now demonstrating the unique quality that made him the choice for Vice President. He is cool as a cucumber and remains icily in control of the situation. His ability to maintain a dead-pan expression, which is part of his makeup, is exceeded only by his masterful display of presenting a stiff attitude at all times.�

LOS ANGELES, CA--Nov. 25: Larry King, host of CNN�s �Larry King, Remotely Alive,� said today that the rumor that Vice Presidential Candidate Richard Cheney is indeed dead may not be just a rumor after all. �When I received that call from him on Wednesday night, it was placed through an operator who gave her name as Sylvia Browne. This leads me to think that Mr. Cheney was indeed calling me from the other side. His voice was strong at first and then he gradually petered out.�

When questioned, Lynne Cheney said, �That sounds like Dick alright--I, too, think that Dick has been dead for quite some time.�

Hospital sources say that tests are being run to determine exactly how dead Mr. Cheney is. �With Conservative Republicans, it is hard to tell,� said Doctor Hart Monitor from his hospital laboratory today. �Their blood usually runs cold, confirming the fact that they are indeed blood suckers, a urine test will only disclose that they are full of piss, and a sigmoidoscopy will establish that they are full of shit. Based on these theories, it is my professional opinion that the entire Republican Congress is walking dead men, which is evident by the tremendous stench that has emitted from that body for the past eight years.�

HAVANA, CUBA--Nov. 23: Cuba said Thursday that an American boy and his Cuban mother are staying with relatives on the island--confirming the suspicions of the child�s father, in Florida, who wants the boy back.

Jon Colombini, 31, said this week that his ex-wife had taken the boy to the island with her without consulting him. �She said she wanted the boy to live in a free country,� said Colombini, who said his ex-wife left the U.S. after the Nov. 7 election and arrived in Cuba by boat on Nov. 12th. �She said she was intimidated and threatened at the polls and simply could not take any more.�

His ex-wife, Arletisseretisbijesus Blanco, a Gore supporter, said today, �Hamerica ees mucho nacho est amigo est Boosh et Dick�est Limbaugh est Fox est CNN est ABC est NBC est MSNBC est mucho loco est fullo sheeto�.�

Sources say that many other Americans are applying for political asylum as the events unfold in Florida, a state that doesn�t seem to count.

�And as the Good Ship RNC rights itself in anticipation of the Democrats going down for the count, Captain Trick E. Dix says to former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook Robert Dole, �That Cheny�s a lucky stiff�.�

�And on the private pier on the Floridian private beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez clutches his Mickey Mouse as he dozes in the Bridgestone-Firestone tire and dreams of a free Cuba while a woman name Katherine and a Governor named Jeb screw things up in America�.

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa runs her long slender fingers through her waist-length dark hair and looks at Texas Governor George W. Bush with her dark long-lashed eyes, as her black lace titty covering teddy clings to her voluptuous body, and says, �Do chou want to squeeze these peempul on my deempul?�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Heating up�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Main arteries clogged�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush going down for the count�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Did you ever hear of ANYONE having a �small� heart attack?

Answer: No.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
SATTIREDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2000

You put something in order that has been out of service for too long now�you get your Viagra prescription refilled.

�God Bless America and let the Democrats take heart�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2000*****

Dick Cheney, the Republican Vice Presidential nominee, suffered a mild heart attack early Wednesday morning, raising anew questions about his health and adding even more uncertainty to an already tense and confused election.

Contacted at his home in Austin, Texas, Presidential hopeful Governor George W. Bush said, �I hope Dick will be alright. I know he will. Dick is my Vice President. I played with Spot today. I also played with Jane.�

At a press conference in which he discussed Mr. Cheney�s illness in candid detail, Mr. Bush was calm and reassuring as he said, �I have been informed by the doctors that Mr. Cheney are alright. He has not had a hard attack. He has had a electro cardigan and tests show that there is no milkfunction.�

Dr. Jonathan Reiner, a cardiologist and director of the George Washington Hospital�s Cardiac Catherization Laboratory, said, �This is just about the smallest heart attack that a person could have and still be classified as a heart attack. I think that Mr. Cheney should be commended for recognizing the signs and coming to the hospital, thus serving as an example to other multimillionaires who may suffer the same symptoms and encouraging them to avail themselves of the same treatment he received and the lesser segments of our society cannot afford. Those poor bastards are dropping like flies.�

Mr. Cheney himself said he hoped to be out of the hospital in a couple of days. �I feel good and everything�s looking good,� Cheney said in a telephone interview on CNN�s �Larry King, Remotely Alive.� I should be out of here in a day or sixty.�

Informants say that is true. �Mr. Cheney will be out of the hospital one way or the other,� said Bush spokesman Dan Bartlett today. �We have studied the charts and polls and we have come to the conclusion that this may indeed be good for the transition team. If Mel Carnahan from Missouri can take his Senate seat after having suffered fatal injuries in a plane crash, we do not see anything such as a little fatal heart attack inhibiting Mr. Cheney. When one reviews Mr. Cheney�s past practices, the Gulf war and so on, it is becoming more and more apparent that he, like other CEOs, has not had a heart for quite some time. The transition should proceed smoothly and he will be able to take his rightful place as Vice President of Texas and Florida within a few days. While it is true that one of Mr. Cheney�s coronary arteries was 90 percent blocked, Mr. Cheney has been functioning without a heart for many years and we anticipate no difficulties in the future.�

When contacted later in the day at his ranch in Crawford, Texas, where he had just arrived from his home in Proffer, Texas, en route to his home in Abilene on the way from his new home in Austin which is 80 miles from his home in Bowie, Mr. Bush said, �I like Dick. I like Spot. I also like Jane.�

Although doctors at first issued the bulletin that Cheney had not suffered any more than a few minor chest pains, Lynne Cheney, Mr. Cheney�s ultra right-wing wife, was said to have confided to a friend, �Dick may have been suffering from chest pains, but to me Dick is a pain in the ass.� When confronted with this statement, Ms. Cheney merely said that she had no further comment and that getting along without Dick would be hard.

As the battle of the ballots continues, the news that Mr. Cheney was ill numbed the Aryan Nation. �This just adds to the confusion,� said Karen Huge, Bush�s girl Friday, on Thursday in a confidential statement to Candy �Dulce� Crawley, the reporter from CNN who has been covering Mr. Bush. �We had just taught George how to say �nook-kler�--and �vish-un�--and now we have to teach him some of these medical terms. But he is a quick study and we have every confidence that he will be able to adjust.�

In a later statement from his home in Houston en route from his home in Corpus Christi, Mr. Bush said, �I am sure Dick will recover from his hard attack. Although his arterials are 90% blacked, Dick has balls.�

As it stands now, with the Sunday vote count deadline looming, the nation may soon have to accustom itself to a couple of deadheads.

�And on the Good Ship RNC which is listing farther and farther to the right, Captain Trick E. Dix gazes at the turbulent waters and says to former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook Robert Dole, �There were about 15 men workin� on Cheney�s chest, yo ho ho�we gotta keep mum�.�

�And on the Floridian private beach of the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, soaked to the skin while lying in his power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, clutches his Mickey Mouse as he has a wet dream and doesn�t even hear Governor Jeb Bush say to a dark-haired woman named Katherine as she slumps to her knees, �I told you I�d help you get a head.��

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa, her waist-length dark hair hanging loosely in the tropical breeze on the same private beach at the same private pier, pulls her black lace teddy closer to her voluptuous thighs and the firm breasts with the pert nipples, opens her long-lashed dark eyes wide and says to Texas Governor George W. Bush, �Do my deemples count?�

To be continued�.

****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Stormy weather�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Detours�and bypasses�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
GOP off base�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Do you trust your country to a known idiot �serving� you as President
and a 59-year-old ex-CEO with a medical record of four heart attacks, a coronary bypass,
and numerous cardiac episodes as Vice President?

Answer: Kinda restores your confidence in the system, doesn�t it�.?

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2000

You are a �hands on� kind of guy�.

�God Bless America and please let our nation�s heart keep beating�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THANKSGIVING*****
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2000

Despite increasing pressures by many for THE SAGMEISTER NEWS to offer an opinion on the two candidates who are still running for the office of President of the United States, we will uphold our standards and stay impartial and bipartisan. We feel that in order to bring you this unbiased coverage we cannot say that the Florida Supreme Court made the right decision late Tuesday when it decided en masse to overrule those scumbag lawyers that the Bush forces have hired, set Katherine Harris back on her fat ass, and continue with the hand count. In short, man, they really did some carving on Bush and all his jive-turkey lawyers. But we will not indulge in this rhetoric. We are above all that. Now, pass the gravy�.

�Tucker Carlson here in Austin, Texas, where I am covering Bush Bash 2000. From my vantage point it is quite a scene in this Texas town as I look over miles of roped off streets in anticipation of the Thanksgiving celebration that is due to take place any moment now as George W. Bush takes his rightful place in history as our newly elected President. Here with me today is Ms. Miranda Amanda Veranda who is researching a book she is going to title �What Makes George Bush Run?� or �It�s My Party And I�ll Lie If I Want To.� Due to her connections, Ms. Veranda has been put in charge of the activities. How are you today, Ms. Veranda?

V: I�m just all giggly and gushy and thinking about yet another celebration and�

Carlson: Yes�how long have you been here in Austin, anticipating�

V: Let�s see�Since around October right after I talked to Katherine Harris...she said she had to talk to Jeb and then she would give me the go and�to have a good Party you have to plan ahead�.

Carlson: ..And Ms. Harris is quite good at that I�ve been�

V: Yeah�well�I�ve heard that�.

Carlson: This is very elaborate�an expensive layout�.

V: Karl Rove was the setup man and�and then...Karen Huge�er�Hughes said that�..it was a kind of committee with the family there�you know�.Joe Albaugh helped too and.� �You see, I can�t take credit for all this�I�m just kinda the contact for the contract and it was my job to get everything on the table�.

Carlson: It�s amazing that this celebration has been ready all this time and the planning that went into it...a lot of turkeys here�and�I see you have everyone roped off�.

V: Yeah, lotta preparation--it really started when Mr. Albaugh�s wife registered as a lobbyist in Washington there in the Spring because Mr. Bush had promised Joe a job as chief of staff and Mr. Albaugh thought that way he would have inside contacts and he could make a killing�I think that Poppy Bush who sits at the head of the table and Mr. Cheney gave them that idea--sorta holdover from the Reagan administration and�those guys are the berries...!

Carlson: And then came the layout?

V: Yeah�..the meat and potatoes�but we�ve had this planned for a�

Carlson: It must have been very hectic doing all this and the uncertainty must have been terrible�thinking things might be too hot�someone might get burned�.

V: Oh, nooo�it was a sure thing after Karen/Karl made that phone call to�well, you see, it was all kinda funny�that bore Gore was on the road 24-7 saying how he was going to fight for the people and Mr. Bush was getting tired �cause he has to have his rest ever since his drug rehab days or his goose is cooked�.

Carlson: I understand�that�s why he exercises so much�keeps that blood flowing to those burnt out brain cells or he�s flat on his buns�like a mashed potato�.

V: Yes...and so the family called a meeting and Jeb said he and Harris could take care of Florida and not to worry, that they would take care of those blacks and those old people with something called a butterfly and wire some of those machines�and then they all kissed Poppy Bush�s ring and left and it was a done deal and�Mr. Cheney said that after he made a call we�d be in the gravy if we could keep Dubya off the sauce....

Carlson: Oh, so, it was Cheney�s idea to contact Faux network? �and�

V: Yeah...and then a member of the New York family, John Ellis, called the nets and told them that Bush had won Florida and that started the ball rolling...and we�ve been ready to celebrate ever since�had this cake bakin� in the oven for...just needed some icing and then�

Carlson: Well, you almost made it when Katherine Harris certified those�easy as apple pie�

V: Yeah, and then we put all our stuffing back on the table one more time and�

Carlson: Katherine Harris carved things up once more and�

V: We roped everyone off again�made plans for another celebration last Saturday, we were cooking with gas�

Carlson: Just a minute�there�s Secretary Baker...Mr. Baker...anything to say about the Supreme Court ruling?...anything at all�you look tired�want something to drink?

Baker: �Any grape Kool-Aid?

�And as the Good Ship RNC lists increasingly to the right, Captain Trick E. Dix holds his binoculars to his black beady eyes as he scans the area and shouts to former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook Robert Dole, �Hey Turkey, we�re headed for Fantasy Island.�

�And on the Floridian private beach of the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez smiles as he slumbers soundly in his power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire as he clutches his Mickey Mouse tightly and dreams of Dizzy Land as Florida Governor Jeb Bush and a dark-haired woman named Katherine prepare another fix�.

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa tosses her waist-length black hair saucily and pulls her black lace teddy over her voluptuous body with the lush thighs and the bulging breasts with the pert nipples and looks slyly at Texas Governor George W. Bush with her long-lashed dark eyes as she asks, �Who ees Chaddy Kathee?�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Lotta snow�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Demos tell GOP where to get off�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Courts crowded�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Who do you think has distinguished himself as the hero of the day
in this battle of the ballots?
Answer: Senator Bob Kerrey of Nebraska, who has been the only outspoken individual, the only Democrat, who has shown some spirit and some fight.

* * * * *

*****THE REPUBLICAN THANKSGIVING HORRORSCOPE*****
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2000

Your Thanksgiving Day is ruined�she said she wanted �goose��NOT goosed�.

�God Bless America and let us all be thankful for some Supreme beings who count�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2000*****

We continue to strive, day and night, in our ongoing efforts to bring you the latest up-to-the-minute NEWS, in our nation�s time of crisis, as we endeavor to elect a President of these United States. Although some material found on this site may be controversial, it is always impartial. We will continue in our bipartisan coverage of the events regarding the election that wasn�t, as the days dwindle down to a special few and grow as short as the temper of Karen Hughes, the despicable Republican bitch who works for the Texas moron that wants to be our Commander-in-Chief.

This is Chris Matthews and we are going to play a little Hard Ball. �I have, as my guest today, Marezee Doats, who was until yesterday a counter at the Katherine Harris Hurricane and Ballot Shelter located in Hidden Valley in Walla Walla Bing Bang in Napalm County, Florida. Miz Doats, the story is that you were released from your position and hired on your own recognition.

Doats: That�s true, Chris. They said my counting was inaccurate, but I was trying to be immaculate�because I had tallied a million four for Gore�it made everybody sore�I wasn�t working for the GOP, I was a mole you see�out on work release--I�m Karen Hughes� niece�.

Matthews: �You were adding Bush ballots to the stack and hiding them behind your back? Were you counting the chads�dimpled, pimpled, and pregnant?�incidents like this make this system stagnant�.

Doats: I was trying to keep the dimple separated from the pimple and the pregnant from the flagrant. ...Mr. Matthews, you are making me so sad and I am starting to feel bad�.

Matthews: Is it true, Doats, that you were putting the dimpled, pimpled chad in a stack and adding some rumpled, pummeled, funneled chads�hiding them behind your back? Is it true that when no one was looking you decided to do some cooking by adding to the amount and thus increase your count?

Doats: You�re upsetting me...I really do not see�.

Matthews: I won�t listen to your plea.� What do you take us for? We are playing Hard Ball, you little Demo whore--let�s get to brass tacks about these stacks and stacks of ballots that are piling up like shallots.�

Doats: You told me you were impartial�but you�re acting like a marshal�.

Matthews: Never mind that, Doats, you were supposed to be counting votes�If you were tapering the paper so it would vanish in the vapor of the ever present air, do you think that was quite fair?

Doats: But Tucker was calling out numbers that made me want to slumber�.

Matthews: Don�t talk to me about Tucker, the prissy little fucker�.

Doats: �And those numbers I counted and then the tally kinda mounted�.

Matthews: �And you�re saying they were all for Gore? What do you take me for? ...Don�t cry on my show, there�s something you should know�if you�re not for George Bush, by God, you might as well blow�.

Doats: But I thought you were bipartisan--you�re treating me like a courtesan�make me want to grieve--I think I�m gonna heave�.

Matthews: The media has made their call�we don�t like Gore at all. I fear Bush is headed for a fall as the count continues on and we�ll all be woebegone after the 12th day of December, a day we will remember with the 7th of November when Jeb bumbled his little fix and that big-time Demo prick took back his concession and started this procession of going into court--everybody�s favorite sport--this little canard is making my ball hard�.

So as we find ourselves in this position, as we wait on the transition, let us not be getting sore at our candidate, Al Gore�he is fighting this for you--as the Republicans try a coup--and though you think it is a bore�aren�t yuh worth fighting for�?

�And the Good Ship RNC, still listing heavily to the right, fights to stay afloat in the seas of the Atlantic Ocean, Captain Trick E. Dix turns to former Senator and now Viagra Distributor-Ship�s-Cook Robert Dole and says, ��if only we�d let old Poppy George help us on Watergate�.�

�And on the private Floridian beach of the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien lies sound asleep in the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, his Mickey Mouse in his hand, and doesn�t even hear the Florida governor�s wife as she says to a dark-haired gal, �So you�re the other woman�someone told me Jeb was fucking Florida�.�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa brushes the tangles out of her waist-length shiny black hair and turns her perfect oval face with the long-lashed dark eyes toward Texas Governor George W. Bush, as she tries vainly to cover her voluptuous body with the tiny almost titty covering black lace teddy, and says, �Wot�s thee mattair? Ees somejuan rockeeing chour vote?�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Stagnant hot air mass over Austin, Texas�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP driving under affluence of fol-de-rol�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Ball in court�s court�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Wouldn�t it be great if after ALL the votes were counted, Bush/Cheney
would lose by ONE vote because Big Dick didn�t vote?

Answer: Let�s see a show of hands�.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2000

You should go out and enjoy yourself with a friend��..if you can find one.

�God Bless America and let the hand count count�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2000*****

Note: As THE SAGMEISTER NEWS continues to bring you the unbiased news of this post-election election in a strictly non-partisan fashion, we would like to reiterate that we are fair to all the participants in this political battle of the ages. We will bring you the news as it happens in this civic arena, as the honest moral Democrats try to overcome the evil back-stabbing Republicans who are endeavoring to steal this election. We repeat, we are bi-partisan and realize that the Republican Candidate, George W. Bush, cannot help it if he is slow and dim-witted. Our report on the no-account counting to make your vote count follows:

CNN correspondent Tucker Carlson is in Napalm Beach County, Florida, where hand-to-hand combat is being performed in the counting of the ballots from the Presidential election.

Carlson: Sorry to be late�uh�er�..is my makeup ok?�Katherine said that I needed a little more eye�oh�damn�are we on?�my hair alright?�need a little more spray there on the�.

Q: Tucker, what is it like in that room where these ballots are being recounted? Is there chad everywhere? If there is, anyone offering a logical explanation for it being there?

Carlson: Well, this room is rather stuffy right now. Honest to God, it could use a good airing and...chad? I have seen hardly any chad at all�besides, chad are not important except when they are attached and then�

Q: That would be the pregnant chad and the dimpled chad and�

Carlson: Well, sometimes you may find a dimple with a pimple and then�

Q: Yes, now what about the ballots?�are they...?

Carlson: The ballots are being counted by honest citizens from this area�I am here with Marezee Doats from Walla Walla Bing Bang who is a Republican counter and here on work release from the G. Gordon Liddy Penitentiary in�

Q: And as they count them, they put them in piles and�.

Carlson: Yes�that�s right�there are piles and piles for miles and miles and�as you know it has all come to this�the count here in Walla Walla Bing Bang will decide the election�Ms. Doats�will you explain how you count the votes?

Doats: 1.2.3.4.5�.

Carlson: Uh�I should tell you the address here, just for the record, is 134 Hidden Valley in�

Doats: 134, 135, 136, 137�.

Carlson: And if anyone wants to call in here and discuss this, the number is�1-800-u-count�that is, 1-800-�.

Doats: One eight hundred and one, one eight hundred and two, one eight hundred and three�

Carlson: As you can see, this is an accurate count�these work-release people are very meticulous�the Republicans have work-release people throughout this area�you see that guy over there?�the one grinding those chad under his feet?�He�s from the Oliver North Felon Facility in�

Q: Let�s talk more about the building�I understand this is the Emergency Operations Center for Napalm Beach County, a building whose walls were designed to withstand 200-mile-per-hour winds and is equipped for�

Carlson: Yes, that�s right. They are prepared for any emergency. I understand that the Democrats insisted on this precaution against Hurricane Katherine. According to predictions, she is expected to come blustering through here at any time with winds up to�

Q: �I understand that Katherine may upset the entire proceedings�.

Carlson: Well, we�re in a large room and it descends below you�forms a kind of human hand with five adjacent finger-like corridors with the middle finger extending. �It�s sound proofed because I understand, according to the Governor, that when Katherine peaks she creates quite an uproar�.

Q: I�ve been told that once in a while in there a hand goes shooting up in the air?

Carlson: Yes, well, the Governor was against these hand jobs from the very beginning and�

Q: Kind of disrupting?�do you think Katherine will arrive at any time today?

Carlson: My sources say that Katherine came last night, but the Governor denies it. I understand he is going to probe further into it today if he gets the opportunity, but of course she has a habit of just popping off�

Q: When a hand goes shooting up in the air? Does that denote a problem?

Carlson: Sometimes�usually it means that someone has gone off half cocked�

Q: There seems to be a very tense atmosphere�.

Carlson: I�ll tell you, everyone is on their knees in here�they may go down�.

Q: Looks like a big chest game�the GOP describes the counters as �overworked and burned out��working from 7 AM to 10 PM each day�is that the case?

Carlson: Honestly, I have not heard any complaints�they seem to enjoy this hand activity as compared to the�

Q: Are there any observers?

Carlson: Yeah�lot of people like to watch�some are doing it in shifts�as soon as they hear that Katherine is blowing�some of them suck�.

Q: Would you call this a partisan activity?

Carlson: A few people would like to say it isn�t�but they are starting to keep track of who is raising and who isn�t as the hands go up and down. Of course, if there are any troublemakers, they are immediately fingered before they go off�

Q: Informants tell me that people are actually working in shifts and the board members are said to have the longest�

Carlson: Yes, but the officials are very strict in regard to the handling of their�

Q: Exactly who counts? What are the odds?

Carlson: A million to one that�

Doats: A million and one, a million and two, a million and three, a million and four�.

�And as the good ship RNC floats on the stormy seas, listing farther to the right with each passing hour, Ship�s Captain Trick E. Dix says, as he hunkers down over the helm of the battered craft as former Senator and Viagra Distributor Robert Dole hands him a glass of water and a tiny pill, �What�re you tryin� to do? Get a raise outa me?�

�And on the private Floridian beach of the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez smiles as he holds his Mickey Mouse, looks out to the turbulent waters, and listens as a dark-haired woman named Katherine asks Florida Governor Jeb Bush �Are you ready for the big blow�?�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa smoothes her waist-length shiny black hair back from the perfect oval face and looks up at Texas Governor George W. Bush from beneath her long-lashed dark eyes as she holds the delicate black lacy teddy close over her voluptuous figure with the creamy thighs and her full budding breasts with the pert nipples and says, �Shee ssaid chou were a no hahcount....�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER News*****
Windy�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Demos/GOP in head-on�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Double Overtime�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

What brother of a Republican Presidential Candidate gave his state employees special
access to election records in the Secretary of State�s Office?

Answer: Florida Governor John Ellis �JEB� Bush. Now let�s hear some more about Democrat fraud�.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2000

Travel is on your mind this year. Now if you could just figure out a way to saw through those bars.�

�God Bless America and let democracy thrive through this bit of hand jive�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2000*****

The SAGMEISTER NEWS continues to bring you the latest news of the post-election election process in a nonpartisan manner. We endeavor to be fair to all participants in this political battle of the ages. Charges that we have a biased attitude are unfair and unfounded�.

Tucker Carlson here, on this Monday morning, November 20, as we go into lucky 13 of the campaign that would not end, year 2000. Today we have our usual panel--from ABC, the impartial Kookie Roberts, Sam Donaldson, and George Will, from CBS, Dan Rather who just got back from assignment in his never-ending quest to find out why Oklahoma is called the Sooner State, Tim Russert and Tom Brokaw of NBC, Chris Matthews and his Hard Ball of MSNBC, Candy Crawley and Larry King, �Remotely Alive� of CNN. Candy has been crawling in her effort to keep abreast of Governor George W. Bush while covering him during the campaign. We have as our guest today, noted psychologist Dr. Bate Answitch, author of the book, �Karen or Karl--What�s In A Name?� or �Where Is Hughes� Fuse?��Dr. Answitch, I understand that you have made the astonishing assertion that Karen Hughes, Mr. Bush�s girl Friday, is actually Karl Rove on Saturday�in short, that they are one and the same...and that you have some other surprises to disclose that might be of interest to our panel today�.

Answitch: Yes�I first noticed this when I discerned that�

Matthews: Look here, Answitch, let�s play a little Hard Ball here�had you on my program last night, dishing out all this crapola, when we were interrupted by that news bulletin from the RNC that interrupted the news bulletin from the Bush campaign telling about the injunction against the injunction to delay the Bing Bangs and the Bin Bins from showing their briefs regarding the ting tangs in Poon Tang and�

Roberts: I can�t believe this�although�she�er�he�er�it�does�did you ever see those earrings�.my God�.

Will: Exactly�and when we had him...er�her on our program�did you getta load of that neck on her?�looked like Jesse Ventura�maybe its her and Jesse that are the�

Russert: Come to think of it I�ve never seen the two of them...Karen and Karl�

Brokaw: Together? No, neither have I�it�s all beginning to add up�and the other night on my program, he�er�..she�er�actually scratched its�.crotch and�

Rather: I saw that and she has this habit of spitting when you say Gore or�

Donaldson: Democrat? eah�everytime she�er�he�hears that word�women don�t usually�spit like that and then she...er�he�pulled his dress up and scratched his ass and�very unladylike�I thought at the time�.

Crawley: �Well, personally, I think Karen is a nice guy�very meticulous about her�er�its�personal appearance...and...

Will: Did you notice the way she kept running her�er�his hand over its chins and�

Crawley: Well, she gets uncomfortable if she�er�.he�can�t shave twice a day and that was a busy day�the day she...er he�er it and that governor Racicot, that militiaman from Montana forged all those military absentees and then forgot to sign them and the postmarks got all...

Matthews: Let�s play some Hard Ball...I wanta know where Rove...er Karen�er Karl �buys those dresses�at the Tall Mens or the Big Girls? ...I think there is a story here...especially...it brings up all sorts of issues here�did he/she ever get a ting tang in Walla Walla Bing with a Bang and�Answitch, do you know�?

King: When she�er he�.was on my program, it told me she buys them the same place Ollie North buys his and Ross Perot buys hers and none of them had never Banged a Bing OR a Cheri Cheri.�

Crawley: Are you trying to tell me that Ollie North and Ross Perot are one and the�

Roberts: What about Barbara Olson and her lawyer husband�.the one that�s giving that argument in front of the Supreme Court this afternoon�and have they ever been in Poon Tang with a Bang?�

Answitch: He/she have been in Peter�s Nutz and got a ting and they are�one and the same�they�re the REAL Olson twins�.

King: Well, I already knew about Pat and Bay Buchanan and that little tang�what about Bob Dole and Liddy?�don�t tell me�.

Answitch: No ting or tang in Poon Tang there..�I�ll let you guess�.

Will: No wonder he�s pushing Viagra�

Answitch: ...And Midol�.

Matthews: As long you�re throwin� those Hard Balls today, Answitch, what about Dick and Lynne Cheney?�which one of them wears the pants?�has the balls--don�t tell me�.

Answitch: Yep�and ting and tang in both Poon Tang and Peter�s Nutz�.

Matthews: �Unbelievable�Schwartzkopf and Barbara Bush?

Answitch: I salute you with a ting.�

King: Condoleeza Rice and Colin Powell?�

Answitch: Very perceptive�but no tang or ting�.

Carlson: Any more surprises?�I gotta wrap this up�I�m on assignment�gotta find Jeb Bush�.

Answitch: Maybe I can be of some help�you know Katherine Harris?

Carlson: No��don�t tell me�.

Answitch: One and the same�Walla Walla with a Bang�.

...And as the Good Ship RNC floats upright, as it lists far to the right in very shallow waters, Captain Trick E. Dix, once again at the helm, turns to ship�s cook, former Senator and Viagra Distributor Robert Dole, and says, �You FORGOT the postmarks?�

�And on the Floridian private beach of the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez lets go of his Mickey Mouse in amazement as he watches Florida Governor Jeb Bush and a dark-haired woman named Katherine run from a huge wave as the Governor says, �Looks like we�ve gotten in over our heads�.�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa brushes her hair from her dark sultry long-lashed eyes and pulls the black lace teddy snugly over her voluptuous figure as her full breasts with the perky nipples burst free from the fragile garment, and she says to Texas Governor George W. Bush as he holds a dimpled chad in one hand and a pregnant chad in the other... �Hi thought chou deed not beleef een aborshun.��

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Area remains Unsettled�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP/DEMOS on collision course�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Overtime�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

Do you honestly think that just because George W. all but quit campaigning
in Florida the week before the election when he was behind
in the polls, rested at home the Sunday prior to the election, was cocky
and self-assured, told Vice President Gore �but my brother said I had Florida,�
voters were �confused� over bad ballots, blacks were turned away
from their polling places in large numbers, and absentees were prepared by
Republicans in the polling places under the eyes of the Republican party,
that there was voter fraud in Florida?

Answer: If you don�t, I�ve got a theme park called Disneyland I�d like to sell you�.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
MONDAY, NOVEMBER 20, 2000

Someone gave you extra latitude to do things your way�now thank Judge Lewis for his efforts on your behalf�.

�God Bless America and keep her safe and free as we fight for our lives in this democracy�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2000

Ladies and gentulmun...and a good mornin� tuh yuh�.
Wayul, tuhday iz the 19th day of November��twon�t be long until hit�ll be time fer
that ole turkey day, amen, naow will hit?�
amen an� halleluiah�
thet day we CELEBRATE to thank the good Lord, amen,
fer all the things we GOT�and kinda sneak in some o� those things that we, amen,
thet are a�hopin�, amen, to GIT�maybe afore that day is over...
amen and halleluiah.�
The day we kinda RE-mind OURSELVES, amen, how lucky we ARE
to be a�livin� in this here land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE,
amen and halleluiah�
where REASONABLE peepul can come to REASONABLE conclusions, amen,
and live TUHGETHER and prosper and maybe have a little FUN once in a while,
amen an� halleluiah�.
In ORDINARY times we would, amen, be prayin� for our NEW prezident, amen,
and thankin� the GOOD LORD,
amen and halleluiah,
that that drainin� campaign was over, amen,
and we had come through it all one and YEWNITED
and we could be a�gittin ready to go on with the country�s BIZNESS, amen�.
But this HAIN�T ord�nary timez...this is EXTRA ord�nary timez�amen...
when one o� them guyz decided he was a�gonna, amen, STEAL this �leckshun�
amen an� halleluiah,
gonna YEWSURP the gov�amint, amen, and DEPRIVE the peepul of their RIGHTS,
amen and halleluiah,
and t�other guy he decided to FIGHT fer the rights�
but I don tole� yew all about that las� week�
an� the TV and the radio, amen, a�bin tellin� us that all week over and over,
amen an� halleluiah�
until yew might git to a�thinkin� hit�s old stuff�that yew want some NEWS,
amen and halleluiah�.
Wayul, yore ole� PREACHER MAN is here to tell YEW, amen, TODAY,
amen and halleluiah,
that sometimes the OLD STUFF, amen, is better than that NEWS stuff�amen.�
So yew had better,
amen and halleluiah,
fight like the livin� HELL, AMEN, fer whut yew got�
SHOUT to the HEAVENS, amen, LET YORE VOICES BE HEARD,
amen an� halleluiah,
and tell them brown-shirted Texas Terrorists
to
STUFF �hit�.

�Amen an' Halleluiah... ...The Rev.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2000

The election that wasn�t has taken precedence over all other news this week. Instead of boring my readers with some bits of this and maybe that, I offer this:

ATLANTA, GA: Thursday afternoon Mike Malloy, the liberal talk show host who has a daily program on I.E. America, had a caller from the mountains of Georgia who had the popular Malloy pulling his hair. The conversation went like this:

Caller: Mistur Mally? This is Cal up here in the mountains and ah got something ah want to ast yuh�.

Malloy: Glad to hear you, Cal�shoot�.

Caller: Wayul�ah wuz just a wonderin� bout them valluts? They sez wuz messed up? Ah think that ef they iz they iz and that�s just the way they iz�.

Malloy: Wait, a minute, Cal�what if you had voted and they weren�t going to count YOUR ballot�YOUR vote?

Caller: Wayul�

Malloy: Think about that�you go into a booth with a ballot and you punch it and�

Caller: Am I a goin� into the men�s booth er th� wimmen�s?

Malloy: They�re all the same�.

Caller: Yew one o� them homo-sex-youalls?�air yuh?

Malloy: You go into that booth and�

Caller: Where am I votin��?

Malloy: At your precinct�.

Caller: Doawn there by the tracks?�that place where..?

Malloy: Wherever�the place you usually vote�you know�.

Caller: Whut am I wearin�?

Malloy: Jeans�sweater�it�s November�you�re voting, for God�s sake�

Caller: Who hands me the ballot?

Malloy: A clerk...the person working at your voting place hands you a�

Caller: Whut color is hit?�th� vallot?..

Malloy: Yellow�white�green�whatever�

Caller: �N then whut?

Malloy: You go to the booth�and you punch it and the Chad has a dimple or is pregnant because you�

Caller: Wait a minute--just a doggoned minnut�I go intuh thet booth and there�s someone with me named Chad and I git �em pregnunt by punchin� their dimpul?�is thet whut yew�

Malloy: There�s no one with you�you go into the booth with your ballot and when you punch it�

Caller: The gal whut handz me that vallot�is she purty? She got big boobs�.?

Malloy: How the hell do I�.

Caller: Has she got bloo eyz?

Malloy: Yeah, right, blue eyes�.

Caller: Whut she a-wearin��she got a tight sweater on over them big�.?

Malloy: Yeah�yeah�.wearing a tight red sweater and it�s clinging to her�.

Caller: And them tight jeans? A-huggin� her�

Malloy: Yeah�and they�re really tight but you�ve got your vallot now�.

Caller: Yuh mean my ballot?

Malloy: Yeah, Cal, you got your vallot and that gal in that tight sweater and those tighter jeans just gave you a�

Caller: Misstur Mally, Air yew parshul on the air? Air yuh? Ah hurd sum guy daown at th� tavurn say thet yew�.

Malloy: You damned right I�m partial�these flying monkeys have been carrying on for�but that gal in that�

Caller: Which one o� them guyz dew yew lak Mister Mally?�Boosh or that liar Gore?

Malloy: Cal, why don�t I talk to you some other time? Why don�t you just hang up now and�go look for that gal in those tight�.uh...Cal, which one of them guys do you like? Which one did YOU vote for?

Caller: Wall, Mister Mally, ah voted fer Boosh on account he�s a lot like me�.

�And the Good Ship RNC pitches and turns as the waves pound its hull, and as it suddenly rights itself and is seen to be afloat once again, Captain Trick E. Dix yanks off his life preserver and faces former U.S. Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook nee Captain and says, ��hold the pickle--hold the lettuce.��

�And on the Floridian private beach of the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez grips his Mickey Mouse tighter as the black-haired woman named Katherine takes the hand of the Florida Governor and says, as they disembark from the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, �I TOLD them he was certifiable�.�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa runs her slender fingers through her waist-length shiny black hair and smooths the tide-dampened black lace teddy over her voluptuous figure as it clings to her lush thighs and her full breasts with the perky nipples as she lifts her dark sultry long-lashed eyes and smiles, revealing her perfect even white teeth, and says to Texas Governor George W. Bush� �Chou arrrr certified? Does that meen chou weel be thee sheeting prezident?�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Clouds moving in�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
D A N G E R ahead�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush playing in owned COURT�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

What Congressman who was responsible for driving the
House forward to impeachment of President Clinton has sent a memorandum
to Congressional Republicans urging them to put an end to a President Gore�s term
through state�s electoral votes should the Vice President Gore be elected?

Answer: Congressman Tom DeLay who has sent each Senate member a memo innocently titled �Electoral College Process in the Congress� ...which details how this procedure can take place.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
SATTIREDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2000

You are just like your candidate--CERTIFIABLE�.

�God Bless America and let us all keep pitching as this game goes into extra innings�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2000*****

This is Tucker Carlson, here in Cheri Cheri Bing Bang, Florida, located 12 miles south of her sister city, Walla Walla Bing Bang, where the vote counting has suddenly come to a halt as ordered by the distinguished Secretary of State and swindler, Katherine Harris. Ms. Harris, as you know, is co-chair of the Florida Bush Election Committee and a Bush elector in the Electoral College. Our renowned panel of journalists, Sam Donaldson, Kookie Roberts, and George Will of ABC, Larry King and Candy Crawley, my fellow workers at CNN, Tom Brokaw and Tim Russert of NBC, Chris Matthews of MSNBC, Dan Rather of CBS, and former-Marine-turned-felon-political-expert Oliver North are here this morning to discuss this sudden turn of events, along with esteemed body linguist, Professor Sochit Tomee, author of the book, �Every Little Movement Has A Meaning All Its Own� or �Why Do You Do It Like You Do Do Do?� Professor Tomee, during your observations of the events of the past few days, would you say that the body movements of any of the principal characters of this real-live melodrama betray any hidden signs of things to come?

Tomee: Why, yes, Mr. Carlson�last night when the Secretary of State was speaking, I noticed that she kept projecting her middle finger on her right hand�waving it in the air as she addressed the nation and�

Tucker: Yes, I noticed that too�a nervous tic, perhaps?

Tomee: No, I would interpret that to mean �up your ass....� I have studied these gestures and�

Brokaw: Wait a minute now, professor, I don�t think she meant�

Rather: I noticed that�and there was that time she put her thumb to her nose....

Tomee: Which meant, according to my research, �kiss my ass....�

Will: ...I did notice that little circle she made with her fingers when she was pointing out�

Tomee: Researched that�means �fuck you....�

Crawley: Are you sure of this, professor? You�re not just speaking summarily, are you?

Roberts: Or maybe arbitrarily�.

Russert: I think you should speak objectively about this and�

Matthews: Let�s play a little Hard Ball here and speak subjectively, Sochit�. �Are you saying when she made that little swivel with her hips�

Tomee: That is an old Floridian gesture meaning �bite me�.�

Will: And when she shuffled those papers�

Tomee: ...�get lost�.�

King: I noticed that she kinda dragged her feet as she was mounting the platform�.

Tomee: Yes, Mr. King, you will notice SHE did the mounting�denotes that she is thoroughly in charge�a female that likes to be on top of things�.

Carlson: What about when Mr. Bush spoke? �Anything significant to report there?

Tomee: You will notice that he stood with his mouth open for a period of about 10 seconds before any sound emitted? ...Kinda had his tongue out there for a while? That meant ��you suck�.�

Crawley: Are you sure about that, Professor, because when I covered him he did the suck�

Rather: Getting back to the Secretary of State--what did it mean when she crossed her�

Sochit: Crossing her legs? ...That means that she has it and she is going to keep it and�

Brokaw: That�s not what Jeb told me...he said�Jeb said, when she went to Philly, she�

Matthews: Uh...professor�I saw the Governor scratching his rear Wednesday night�what did that...

Sochit: That meant he is itching to be the sitting President�

Crawley: I�ve been covering him and it usually means he has been to the bathroom and forgot to�

Roberts: I don�t know if I believe this body language stuff or not�.

Will: �Nor I�.

Brokaw: �I just don�t�

Rather: Maybe we shouldn�t call it yet and�

Carlson: That about wraps it up for the panel, today, folks. I am going out and interview the Cheri Cheri Bin Bins and see if they agree with the Walla Walla Bing Bangs...and...

Kookie: Did you ever find out if the Bings bang the Bangs? And are the Bin Bins really Cheri?

Will: What about that injunction the Walla Wallanians have against the Cheri Cheris? When is that to be decided and�

King: I heard that the judge said that was not for him to judge�.

Rather: Did anyone hear about the injunction that the Cheri Bin Bins have against the injunction that the Bangs have regarding the injunction against the injunction against the Bings?

Crawley: The Governor was at the junction last night when I was covering him and...

King: Tucker, what do you think is gonna happen here? Do you really think�

Tucker: �I was just wondering�professor, what did it mean when the Governor pursed his lips and ran his hands over the front of his trousers last night?

Sochit: �He�s blown it�.

Tucker: How many believe that? Could we have a hand count?

�And on the sinking ship RNC, Captain Trick E. Dix hurriedly puts on the one remaining life preserver as the former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook-Captain Robert Dole slumps to the deck and says, �How about a chorus of �Nearer, My God, To Thee�?�

�And on the private beach at the private pier as Florida Governor Jeb Bush takes the hand of a dark-haired woman known as Katherine and frantically tries to start the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez holds onto his Mickey Mouse and says, �Hi teenk choo arr goeeing to haff to do eet by hand.��

�And as the Kooban Kutie, Mariaelisamonisateresa, smooths her waist-length shiny black hair back from her perfect oval face as her full breasts with the pert nipples pulsate, she lowers her long-lashed dark eyes as she covers her voluptuous body with the black lace teddy and says to Texas Governor George Bush , �Shorge? Do Hi count?�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Mooned over Miami�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush going South�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush trying to steal�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

We all know that the man who started the ball rolling Tuesday night was a first
cousin of the two Governors--a right-winger who works for Fox Network--whose name is John Ellis�.
�Do you know what �JEB� Bush�s name is?

Answer: John Ellis Bush.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2000

�Too bad�guess you�re gonna have to use your hands�.

�God Bless America and please don�t let Palm Beach get out of hand�SAG

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2000*****

Tucker Carlson, reporting to you again today from beautiful hysterical Walla Walla Bing Bang, Florida, where the deciding ballots in this historical election of this year 2000 were cast or not on last Tuesday. As you know, I have been bringing you the exciting events as they have been uncovered as we have made them occur here at CNN in a bipartisan manner. I have my distinguished panel of news-political experts here today as they have been all week. Candy Crawley, head of the �Let George Do It� Fan Club and ace reporter who has been covering for the Bush campaign, Larry King of the �Remotely Alive� show, Tom Brokaw of NBC, �Hardball� Chris Matthews of MSNBC, Sam Donaldson, Kookie Roberts, and George Will of ABC, and former Marine and well-known felon Oliver North along with political expert-disc jockey Don Imus of MSNBC. Bill O�Neil of the Faux GOP network could not be with us today, as he and John Ellis, the first cousin of the President Elect, are busy planning their next news bulletin.

I believe when we wrapped it up yesterday the question left on the table for discussion was�After all this hoopla is over and the nation has finally recognized the fact that George W. Bush is the President, as we have been telling them since the campaign started, will the Walla Walla Bing Bings be united with the Walla Walla Bang Bangs and again become just plain Walla Walla Bing Bang once again or will they forever remain separated? Panel, will the Bings ever bang the Bangs and will the Bangs bing? And if so, will they once again find that ting tang�your thoughts�.

Brokaw: That is indeed a titillating topic to start this day and, as I look out upon this tropical paradise here in the heart of Florida and think about pregnant Chads, I wonder if this should even be discussed�.

Donaldson: Personally, I don�t care if the Bings bang the Bangs or the Bangs bang the Bings.� Tucker, I am tired of this whole she-bang�.

Roberts: Getting a little sexist there, aren�t you, Sam? �SHE-bang�what about He-bang?

Crawley: Or He-Bing?�the Bush campaign always says that binging is just as important as�

King: I have one of Ross Perot�s charts here that plainly illustrates that pregnant Chads are a result of banging and being half�

Will: The greatest First Lady would never refer to half-punched as being pregnant�.

North: As a Marine and felon, I can state positively that any Chad that is pregnant has to be a Democrat �therefore, it was halfway punched by a Banger--not a Binger�.

Imus: Did George Bush�s brother Jeb give him Florida or not? Because if Florida is his, then he can be president of Florida if he wants to�that�s the way I see it and that�s also the way�

Carlson: Interesting point, Don--I was discussing that very thing in Peter�s Nuts last night�if Bush indeed has Florida which was lawfully given to him by his brother according to Secretary of State and Swindler Katherine Harris, what�s to stop him from being president of Florida?

Kookie: Especially when his first cousin decided it on Tuesday�John politely called the other networks and informed them that he had given Florida to his cousin George and the nets dutifully reported as they had promised and then Gore congratulated him and then�.

Will: �had the nerve to take back his congratulations�. I understand the President Elect was so dumb-founded�he couldn�t talk�.

King: Ross Perot said his charts revealed that the entire election would be hinging on the swinging door Chads�.

Brokaw: �From being in Poon Tang, I can tell you that it�s the swinging door Chads that result in the pregnant Chads�.

Crawley: I can tell you right now that the Bush campaign thinks that the pregnant Chads AND the dimpled Chads should be aborted�and Bush is determined to find out just what is behind those swinging doors�.

Donaldson: I thought Bush was pro-life�.

Roberts: Does anyone know what the annual income of the Chads are? Do they make $50,000.00 because if they don�t�.

Matthews: Exactly...let�s play a little Hard Ball here�that�s what it�s all about�. It�s not whether the Bings bang the Bangs or the Bangs bang the Bings or even if they will be united as the Walla Walla Bing Bangs when this is all over�.it�s the�.

King: I think Perot has a chart for that�.

Will: The greatest First Lady said that when she was in Ivehadit, California, the Bangs were always responsible for the pregnant Chads�she said it was a well-known fact that�.

Tucker: But do you think the Bings and the Bangs will be united once again?

Brokaw: My thought is that if the Bings or the Bangs unite by entering that swinging door and become pregnant with a dimpled Chad�then that is their responsibility�.

Roberts: So�ultimately you are blaming the woman?

Will: Only if she makes under $50,000.00 a year�.

Carlson: So�panel, that about wraps up our discussion for today...and until tomorrow�I think you will agree that this whole topic has been a bust and we are not feeling very uplifted. We have not reached an agreement on whether the Bings and the Bangs will be united in Walla Walla Bing Bang and we never even got around to the Tings and the Tangs here in Walla Walla�. My personal feeling is that if the Dimpled Chads and the Pregnant Chads ever quit Walla Walla-ing behind those Swinging Doors, we will once again get that ting tang here in Walla Walla Bing Bang�that�s a wrap�and I�ll be in Poon Tang with Katherine Harris tonight and�.

Will: I�ll be in Imgonnagetit, Calif�with the greatest First Lady and�.

King: I thought that was Ivehadit, Calif�.

Will: That too�.

Donaldson: I�ll be in Peter�s Nuts�.

Roberts: I�m going back to Pokeyour Hontas�I�m still looking for some ting....

King: I�m headed for Granny�s Knobs and then it�s on to Gnaw Bone�.

North: I�m gonna punch out some pregnant Chads...semper fi!

Matthews: I�m gonna look for my Ball�.

Crawley: And I am going to continue to cover for the Western White House�.

Imus: I�m gonna find Jeb and ask him if I can be president of Arizona�.

Will: Only if you make over $50,000 per year�.

�And on the Good Ship RNC which has suddenly run aground, ex-Ship�s Captain Trick E. Dix says to former Senator-Viagra Distributor-Ship�s Cook and new Captain Robert Dole, �No, I�m not gonna walk your plank....�

�And on the private beach at the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez clutches his Mickey Mouse and watches as a dark-haired woman named Katherine joins the Governor in the sputtering power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire and listens as she says, �Whattayuh mean I�m the new Ambassador to Cuba?�

�And Mariaelisamonisateresa flings her waist-length shiny black hair in the Florida breeze, pulls her black lace teddy closely over her voluptuous body, covering her lush thighs and her full breasts with the pert nipples, as she lowers her long-lashed dark eyes and smiles, revealing her even white teeth, and says to Governor George Bush, who is holding his swollen cheek��How can chou bee thee seeteeng prezeedent?�

To be continued�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Media SNOW STORM persists....

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP and DEMOS in a header�.

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Demos fouled as GOP attempts slam dunk�.

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

What GOP BIG-TIME lawyer did Paul Begala refer to as
�The Generalissimo of the Banana-Republicans�?

Answer: James Baker�.

* * * * *

*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE*****
THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2000

Zip it up�that�s not what your counselor meant when he said you should reveal your hidden self�.

�God Bless America and please don�t let Palm Beach be out of Gore�s reach�SAG

Sagmeister News November 1-15, 2000

Sagmeister News October 16-31, 2000

Sagmeister News October 1-15, 2000