“We’re launching an all-out get-out-the-absentee-vote drive,” said Jeb Bush from the Governor’s mansion today. “We are going from door to door, putting the pressure…er…demanding…er…asking them to make sure they are voted absentee. We are doing this as a service to the population in general. Our CNN-USA Today-Fox-Zogby-Gallup-Voter.com, and all other polls across this great GOP-dominated radio-press media land of ours, and Rush Limbaugh assure us that the outcome of this election may well depend on this absentee effort and how we handle that situation.”

Reliable sources report that activity is fervent at various Kinko’s in the Florida area and that, as insurance against possible detection, Oliver North shredding machines have been installed in the GOP facilities. “We tried to get Fawn Hall to instruct some classes in this activity, but she had just entered another drug rehab program--Ollie is busy with his drug smuggling and his talk show on MSNBC, so we’re just kinda wingin’ it,” said Bush campaign strategist Ari Fleischer, as he poured Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, another shot of Old Grandad on Thursday.

Mr. Hale N. Hearty, an 80-year-old resident of Boca Raton, told us in an interview, “Yeah…some guy was here. If’n I didn’t know better, I’d swear it was that Texas Governor--the one that’s a runnin’ for prezidunt. Said he’d heard that I’d been sick--real friendly-like, good personality…said he wanted to vote me absentee. I was on my way to my tennis lesson and told him I wasn’t sick and that I was perfectly able to cast a vote at my precinct and he said ‘okay’ but I never knew ‘what could happen’ before the 7th, and then as I started up the walk, this white-haired guy in a suit, wearin’ glasses and carryin’ some kind of portfolio, accidentally spilled some oil on the walk and I slipped. Now I gotta have a hip replacement--looks like I’ll be voting absentee after all.”

Amber Grain, an 18-year-old college freshman at Ball U in Muncie, Indiana, but a legal resident of Florida, said from her Dade County hospital bed that she was visiting her parents last week when a kindly old man, a relative of Florida Governor Bush’s, paid a call to their modest three-story home on Biscayne Blvd. in Miami. “He just suddenly parachuted down in our backyard and said he’d come to warn us that there was a lot of E. coli going around and for us to be careful what we ate--and then he shared some of his lunch with us--some kinda soup...right after that we all got sick. It must have been something we ate. I think the entire city of Miami is voting absentee.”

Story after story is being told throughout Florida by people attesting to the kindness of Governor Bush in thinking of them in their sudden illnesses by providing them with absentee ballots. “God love that shild,” said 73-year-old Cuban-American AnnaMariaFrascetti of Clearwater today as she vomited in the sink. “He sent these nize mothairly woman weeth the white hair. She said her name eet wass Barbaraaa weeth these food baskets. Eet wasn’t herr fault that that summer sausage she gave hus een thee falll wass green. We didn’t notice eet teel affer we ate eet…these young doctair, I theenk hees name ees Prezcott, put up quarantine signs--says halll of us een these project should stay een for at least ha week teel aftair next Toosday…we are goeeng to vote thee absenteee.”

At the Get-Some-Now-Die-Later Nursing Home in St. Petersburg, the residents are all praising the Bush family. “Last week,” said 72-year-old Notso Sprye, as he lay weakly in his hospital bed, “the Bush family held a campaign rally and party for the residents. A dark-haired woman named Laura and these twin girls served us...said they were going to make sure we ate a good supper. She brought some kinda soup ‘n right after that we got sick…musta been the flu…if it hadn’t a been for Governor Bush’s help with these absentee ballots, we would not have gotten to vote. Some young guy came out here and quarantined us till after the election. I heard this was going on all over St. Petersburg. God love that woman and her daughters--had them absentees all ready for us. Too bad she ran that stop sign last week and killed that guy--she coulda voted him absentee too.”

But 55-year-old Lotta Nurv, a Democrat precinct committeeman in Ft. Myers, said today, as she returned from the Clip Joint, a local beauty shop, “That Bush thinks he’s pretty slick. I heard they were going to pull this. We were told to be on the lookout for some sneaky tricks. I’ve been reading up on that AWOL story of Bush’s and it seems he’s pretty much an expert on absenteeism and that’s the plane truth....”

Sources say it is true and that the GOP Headquarters at Kinko’s-On-The-Green at the Dade County Country Club is a beehive of activity. “I’ve seen them in there night and day,” said golf pro Danny Divot. “I haven’t seen it this busy since the South Carolina Primary when McCain almost beat Bush and they didn’t let all those blacks vote. They’re comin’ and goin’ all the time in there. I heard tell it was something about the “Get Out The Vote” campaign. But I don’t think that’s it--hell, I think it’s just flyers or sample ballots or somethin’ ‘cause I seen one o’ them and they’s only one party listed on them ballots…the GOP. Now, I know that Governor Bush is campaigning on character and responsibility in government and they wouldn’t do anything crooked.”

“Danny’s right,” said Congressman Bob McCullum, who is running for re-election, as he emerged from the Kinko’s-On-The-Shore GOP Headquarters in his district. Pushing a wheelbarrow full of mysterious “flyers,” he said, “Although I am running far behind my opponent, my attitude is ‘may the best man win.’ In fact, just to show my good will, I am having a dinner catered to the entire district, and just in case they become ill, I am going to be there with some pre-medically signed absentees to ensure them their right to vote will not be infringed upon.”

“God Love the GOP,” said 65-year-old Fanny Dragg of Naples, Florida. “I was at Bingo down tuh St. Joe’s with some of th’ girls and this nice purty young man came in and said he’d like to take all o’ us for a bus ride…buy us some dinner…show us a good time...said his last name was Bush, some relation to the Governor--wasn’t his fault that the bus broke down and we had to walk 12 miles--I don’t think I’ll ever get rested, but he just happened to have some absentee ballots to make sure we get to vote…voted us right there on the spot as we wuz layin’ on those stretchers…even had my doctor’s signature on there--almost like he knowed it was a gonna happen--but that just shows yuh how nice these Bush people are....”

Surveys show that almost 90% of Florida voters are voting absentee. “It’s a lot more convenient than standing in line at the polls,” said 35-year-old Gretna Greene, a suburban housewife from Orlando. “This is just an example of how a Bush Administration would provide for the people and how he is always thinking in their behalf. This way I can spend my day at Disney World in Never-Never Land.”

“I think that about does it,” said Governor Jeb Bush as he scanned the voter’s registration lists and checked them against the newly printed one-party absentee ballots. “Is it okay if I park the bus now, Dad?” asked Prescott (“Pretty Boy”) Bush as he tossed the keys to the old Trail Ways in a chair, removed his lab coat, and threw a stethoscope on the floor. “Is there any other place we have to cater to?” asked the brunette Laura Bush. “The girls and I are sick of these poor old nursing home farts and I have to have my car repainted.” “Maybe I should deliver a few more food baskets, get some more of that green summer sausage just in case,” said Barbara (“The Barbarian”) Bush as she inspected her list. “Are all those ballots medically signed? Wouldn’t be prudent not to have a doctor’s signature on there…” said Godfather Bush, as he unsnapped his parachute and wiped his hands clean on his jumpsuit. “Oh, they’re doctored all right, ” said Part-Time Governor George W.imp Bush of Texas, smirking as Big-Time Big Dick Cheney disposed of his empty Halliburton oil cans. “….We’ve got your rubber stamp.”

…And on the Good Ship RNC, half-crazed Ship’s Captain Tricky Dix, finally freed from the brig but still on a Viagra high, approaches Ship’s Cook and former Senator Robert Dole and says as he pulls up his drawers “...Sorry…I thought you said ‘ship’s cock’....”

…And on the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, still clutching his Mickey Mouse tightly, inspects his pouch as Mariaelisamonisateresa admires her waist-length dark hair, her ample bosoms with the pert hard nipples, and her shapely legs in the reflecting waters of the Atlantic Ocean, as they look at Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye as he hovers above them in the Florida air and asks as he bares himself, “Were you ever mooned over Miami?….”

…And on the private beach on the private pier in the private deck chair, Texas Governor George W.imp Bush scans the horizon and says to anyone who will listen, as he studies a script for his next day’s political rally…“I am a uniter not a divider…I am a uniter not a divider…I am a uniter not a divider…I am a uniter not a divider…I am a uniter not a….”

To be continued….

*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
P R E S S U R E…….still building….

*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Nader erecting barriers….

*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheny/Nader form new team….

*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****

M What Republican Party Candidate for President’s
favorite slogan is “Absence Makes The Heart Grow Fonder…”? ...And proved it by going AWOL
for a year and yet is managing to stay on top in the polls? M

Answer: George W.imp Bush……the man who believes in “character in government”……who would bring “respectability back to the White House”……and who believes in “personal responsibility.”

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