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******* Gore 2000! *******
*****SAGMEISTER’S NEWS ~~ OCTOBER 2000*****
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2000*****
M As the general election comes to a close, politicians are anxiously watching the Senatorial race in Missouri, where Republican Senator John Ashcroft is furiously battling the recently deceased Mel Carnahan. The latest polls disclose that the late former Governor is now leading Senator Ashcroft by a significant margin. However, when our correspondent talked to Mr. Carnahan last night, at a séance at Spiritual Medium Magnifico Mysteria’s House of Mystery located in Columbia, Ill., Mr. Carnahan stated that if he elected he would not serve.
“Since I have only recently become a resident of the other world, having only arrived here just a little over three weeks ago, I feel that any decision right now would be a rash one and not for my constituents’ welfare,” said Mr. Carnahan, as he spoke through the person of Spiritual Medium Mysteria, as he sat in a deep trance rubbing his crystal ball. “I am pleased to note that the people of my good state are still supportive of me and I want them to know that I am thankful, but I’m sure you will understand when I say the airplane crash just took everything out of me,” he continued. “I also would like to thank Medium Mysteria for making this interview possible and I want you to know that you can reach him on the Psychic Hotline at 1-800-Vote-YES.... …All votes will be electronically tallied and transferred to my wife, who will sit in for me if I am elected. I will be back November 7th. At that time, I will make either my victory or my concession speech, whichever it may be. …I want to say that I shall never forget John Ashcroft’s last words to me, the night of our debate, when I said I was going to be the next Senator and he replied ‘I’ll see you dead first.’ …Well, John, who is going to have the last laugh?”
“That sounds like him,” said Senator Ashcroft today as he canceled his funeral plans. “I thought he was kidding when he told me he had a crystal ball. The people in this state all thought he was a saint…. Well, by God, he is now….”
“Senator Ashcroft is really not taking this very well,” said his campaign director, Holden Mi Dong, speaking from the campaign headquarters in downtown St. Louis. “You can imagine how it would feel to be fighting a dead man…what do you say? You can’t say ‘he is talking dead issues’--it would not be proper. …You cannot say ‘that case is sealed,’ …you cannot say…‘dead in the water,’ …you cannot say ‘he’s a big stiff,’ …you cannot say ‘he’s dead wrong,’ …you cannot say ‘you dug your grave’…. …Just what the hell do you say?”
Although the Republican Party had contacted Senator Ashcroft with the “suggestion” that since his opponent was now posthumously listed on the ballot, it would be pertinent for him to follow the same procedures, Senator Ashcroft adamantly refused to follow through with his promise to make this an equal race. “I just couldn’t go through with it,” he said today, trembling as he removed a noose from his neck and climbed down from a ladder. “I know I told the RNC I would comply, but when I started to step off that ladder I just choked.”
“This completely upsets our plans,” said Senator Trent Lott disgustedly today. “We just got the poll results from St. Louis, and George W. is leading Gore there…every damned Republican is leading but Ashcroft who is running against a dead man. It only makes sense that, if the people in Missouri want a dead man for Senator, he follow their wishes. Hell, the people from my state wanted a dead man…the people from Bob Barr’s state wanted a dead man, the people from Strom Thurmond’s state wanted a dead man…. …And he’s been dead for the last 10 years…keeps getting re-elected…these damned people love dead men...the farther south you get, the more they like ‘em. People in the South have been voting in dead men for years…and now we got Ashcroft putting himself before the party….”
Sources say that it is indeed true. Senators Trent Lott and Strom Thurmond are walking-voting dead men. Also Congressmen Bob Barr, Asa Hutchinson, Lyndsey Graham, Henry Hyde, and Dan Burton are listed among the passed over. “Yes, they are on the other side,” said Democrat Congressman James Trafficant of Ohio, who has voted with the Republican majority for the last several times. “And my constituents have expressed wishes that I join them. Next election, I will no doubt be listed posthumously. It’s the coming thing.”
So hot a topic has this become that it was the main theme on Tim Russert’s “Meet The Press” on Sunday. Mr. Russert, interviewing Republican Vice Presidential Candidate and former Secretary of Defense, nee CEO of Halliburton Oil, Richard Cheney, asked if he could foresee any instance where the people might opt for a dead man in the Vice President’s spot or even as Commander-in-Chief. “Yes, the thought has crossed my mind,” said Mr. Cheney. “As you know, I have had several incidents with my heart malfunctioning, and when I was choosing myself for this position, I asked myself if I thought I could successfully run the country after they elect George W. Bush as President, should I suddenly find myself dead. My answer is an unqualified ‘yes.’ A dead man could run this country as successfully as Mr. Bush.”
“I am glad that Richard Cheney places such confidence in me,” said George W.imp Bush today, as he set out on the campaign trail for California. Mr. Bush seemed refreshed and energized, after taking a day off from campaigning, as he donned his snow white newly cleaned robe, his shiny Roman sandals, and with his yarmulke perched cockily on his head, his new shiny propeller spinning rapidly, and carrying his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible, spoke to a huge crowd of demented Spanish-Americans who had come to give him a send-off on this, the last week of the Presidential Campaign. Polls show him pulling ahead of his opponent, Vice President Al Gore, and he often struts across stage displaying his trademark smirk. “That is why I chose Mr. Cheney,” he said. “He will help usher in a new era of responsibility. He will take this economy to the bare bones. He knows the facts and he tells things like they is. Dos amigos lost tacos et spaghettios in est vomitos, est hombres est pizzeriaa et manana eat mi Dick....”
So the debate will continue as the race draws to a close…will John Ashcroft comply with the RNC and be listed posthumously on the Missouri ballot? Will the deceased Mel Carnahan, who Republicans say is not really dead but just away, capture the Senate seat? Will Ms. Carnahan fill in for her dead husband if he is elected and take her place among the living dead of the Senate? Will brain-dead George W.imp Bush fulfill the Reagan legacy? Or will Richard Cheney have a fatal heart attack and still assume his place as Vice President, all the time coolly waiting for his chance for the number one spot…knowing that he is just one heartbeat from the Presidency?
Or will Al Gore be elected as the Democrats manage to have a massive turnout causing all the pundits to drop dead?
To be continued....
…And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Tricky Dix, still on his Viagra high, escapes from the brig and, as he approaches Ship’s Cook former Senator Robert Dole from the rear, says, “I’ll teach yuh tuh call ME a big stiff….”
…And as Mariaelisamonisateresa brushes her waist-length hair and stretches her long shapely legs, ties the black bow on her black teddy over her perky bosoms, and smiles contentedly to herself as she lowers her sultry dark long-lashed eyes and takes another bit of lime chello while Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez fondles his pouch, clutches his Mickey Mouse, and prepares for the last leg of the Atlantic odyssey in the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, she says, “Hi’ll make heem teenk leef no shild behiiind….”
…And as Texas Governor George W.imp Bush sits on the private beach on the private pier in the private deck chair of Florida Governor Jeb Bush and keeps fondling his privates as he gazes at sea, he says, “I could skin Flynt….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
INTENSE heat…PRESSURE builds….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Nader in driver’s seat….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Nader calling signals….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President says he wants
to “usher in an era of responsibility” when he has never had a responsible job…
never been responsible for ANYTHING in his worthless life?
M
Answer: I’m not even gonna tell yuh….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE, TUESDAY, OCTOBER 31, 2000*****
The SAGMEISTER, this Halloween Day, is bowing to the Congress of the United States, with this advice to the Republicans now running for office: As the veil between the worlds grows thin, reach out with your thoughts to loved ones who are gone....and run them for office in the year 2004.
…God Bless America and, please, while Nader’s calling signals, don’t let Gore drop the ball…SAG
~MATTEFFECT~
~Message Board~
the matte effect;
an impure mixture of sulfides and copper producing a flat finish.
in the cinema, a trick of forced perspective
creating the illusion of great size or scope.
in the political parlence
it has,
so far,
explained bush's lead in the polls.
...matt
MikeMalloy.Net Welcomes Truthseekers!
~~Mike's Message Board~~
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GORE WENT TO 'NAM; BUSH WENT AWOL!
you'll wanna check this one out!
WHO POISONED THE WHITE RIVER, INDIANA?
"REDEMPTION" ~~ an online novel in progress
Gore Went to 'Nam - Bush went AWOL
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2000*****
M It has been said that Republican Candidate George W. Bush has a propaganda machine that would rival that of Joseph Goebbels in the Nazi days of WWII. To see how it works, we must first examine the internal workings of the campaign. The Sagmeister News recently spent a day, undercover of course--we were dressed as Ken Starr dressed as Bob Ray dressed as Dan Burton--and, carrying our subpoenas, arrived at the Bush headquarters early one morning.
“The Vice President has consistently and repeatedly made up things, exaggerated, embellished facts,” Bush Communications Director, gun moll, and girl Friday, Fraulein Karen Hughes told us on Saturday. “That is what we have put out there from day one. You beat that into their heads. Bush is good…Gore is bad. Bush is honest…Gore is a fraud. We put that in the headsets they sell at Kmart and WalMart, with that message…. We drummed that into them, day and night, night and day. It was our mantra.”
“How’d you do that?” we innocently asked, as we stuck our foot out and tripped her, knocking her on her fat ass.
“Oh, don’t worry about that,” she said, as she picked herself up off the floor, limped to a chair, and lit a cigarette to calm her nerves. “We had the news media working for us. The corporate-owned media have been mad at Clinton since the day he was elected--this was pay-back time.”
“You see, it’s like this,” said Herr Karl Rove, Chief Commandant of the Bush forces. “We started this refrain…and the media picked up on it--almost innocently at first--then, as the campaign progressed, it got more intense. They could see how dumb our candidate was and it made them feel superior to him…hell, newspeople have got to feel superior to someone--and then they started liking him…he would tangle all his words up and not make any sense, and they kinda liked that--it made good copy--and the ball just started rolling.…”
“Is that right?” we asked, as we innocently brought our size 16 foot down on his instep in an unavoidable accident, “…tell us more.”
“Hell, the networks are nothing but corporations,” said Herr Ari Fleischer. “And they control the newsies--little pissants like Donaldson and Roberts who think they’re hot-shit, and Tim Russert and that fairy, Chris Mathews…got them in the bag…and that fucker, Don Imus, who doesn’t know a damned thing but will kiss ass just to get to hang out with us…. All you have to do is throw a little moolah here and there--threaten a job…a family…. The same with all the rest of those hacks…the Bushes got ‘em in their pockets…just got to know where to apply the screws….”
“And how do you that?” we asked, casually slamming a drawer on his hand when he was reaching for his revolver.
“The American public was the easiest of all,” wheezed Karen Hughes, as she downed a shot of neat moonshine and lit up a Camel. “They’re so damned gullible…get Laura out there and old lady Bush…get ‘em to talk about family values and that husband-and-son crap…get them wimmen eatin’ out of Georgie’s hand…just like old George did with Dukakis…all he did was stand in front of a Flag…they drooled over him….”
“…And then came the debates…we put Georgie up there, with that silly scared look on his face…and there was big old doofus Gore towering over him…spouting off all those big impressive words and poor old George just floundering…. …Hell, the American people identified with him…the men all heard he was a boozer…and most of them are too…and most of them hated those smart guys like Gore in school…and no matter how dumb George came across, those men liked him…‘cause George WAS them…. …He couldn’t pronounce foreign countries’ names? …Hell, that’s alright, ‘cause they can’t either…. He can’t remember his own plans? …Hell, that’s alright, ‘cause they’ve had the same problem…. Bad grammar? …Shit…they talk that way too…. The American people are always rooting for the underdog…and George was that dog...” said Joe Albaugh, Chief Strategist of the Chief Strategists.
“Yeahhhh, he’s a dog alright,” we said, as we accidentally stepped on Albaugh’s thick eyeglasses, where they had inadvertently fallen to the floor.
“And then we started tellin’ about how George was a uniter--he could bring these people together…no more arguin’…and they all forgot how it was the Republican Congress who had torn this country apart, going after Clinton…and they bought into it--surprised the hell outa us, but we kept on with it…. …And then we started on the tax plan stuff and when the numbers didn’t add up, we just added some more, and pretty soon all those dumb sons of bitches out there were so mixed up they actually BELIEVED us…. …And then we started on the military and told them how Dick Cheney would run things, and this was after that war where him and old man Bush made all those deals and they, by God, STILL BELIEVED that…. …Shit…it was all so easy…” yelped Karl Rove, as he sat down on a sharpened pencil we had accidentally place in his chair.
“…When they started on Georgie’s AWOL record…when that guy in Iowa uncovered all that stuff?…hell…the media knew all about that but promised us they wouldn’t bring it up…and if anyone else did they’d just sweep it under the rug…. …And then all these other people started nosin’ ‘round and pretty soon we had that out there….so we just promised that old Uncle Tom, Colin Powell, a job in a Bush Administration…and that friggin’ guy practically fell all over himself…we actually got him thinkin’ he was one of us…suckered him…and there he was, trotting his black ass all over the TV and out stumpin’ with George…we made a damned fool outa him--had this big-shot Army guy, Colonel Colin Powell, a tellin’ everyone what a patriot this little AWOL fucker was…and had them believin’ it…” groaned Ari Fleischer, limping to his chair after we lost our balance and our knee accidentally found his groin.
“And the funniest part is when we get George to talking about how he is an ‘outsider’--when his father was a Congressman and he lived in Washington…. …Old George was the UN ambassador under Nixon--hell, his voice is all over those tapes, and all those connections with China--he was the CIA Director, the Vice President under Reagan and mixed up in all that Iran-Contra stuff and then elected President…. …And now Georgie is saying he’s an ‘outsider’ with a straight face, and all those dumb-asses fall for it...” screamed Karen Hughes, girl Friday, as she waddled to the restroom after we accidentally spilled a cup of scalding coffee in her lap.
“The best part is now…when we start this last week of the campaign, having all the news organizations stress how we’ve won--people always want to vote for a winner--and then we throw some money in and promote Nader so he’ll take votes from Gore…and divide all those forces up--we got Democrats fighting Democrats, and Nader’s guys fighting Nader because they want him to drop--we’re gonna tear this country apart…. …Before this is through, they’re gonna believe me when I say I’m a uniter not a divider,” said George W.imp Bush, as he joined me in smoking a funny cigarette…innnnnnhaling deeply…and holllllding it….
…Now if I could only figger out a way he couldn’t exhale….
…And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Tricky Dix, still on a Viagra high, was corralled today, subdued, and thrown in the brig, as the ship’s cook, former Senator Bob Dole, sat gingerly on a pillow as he steered the beleaguered craft and said, “Now I know what they meant when they said we were coming from behind….”
…And in the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, Mariaelisamonisateresa stretches languidly in the warm Atlantic air, flexing her long shapely legs and brushing her waist-length hair from her perfect oval face as she lowers her limpid long-lashed dark eyes to her half-exposed heaving bosom with her pert nipples hardening in the breeze, and says to Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez as he steers with one hand and holds his Mickey Mouse with the other, “I waannder eef Seenyor Booosh weel go Bust?”
…And on the private island on the private pier in the private deck chair of Florida Governor Jeb Bush sits Texas Governor George W.imp Bush, fondling his privates as he gazes at sea and says, “Wonder if there’s gonna be any spark from that Flynt?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Weather alert in Houston…visibility zero….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP falling flat….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney team sign NADER….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
How many flubs did George W.imp Bush make in the second
debate which were never reported by the major news media?
M
Answer: Twenty-count-‘em-five. …Now tell me if anyone really seems to care….and the answer is no.…
* * * * *
*****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, OCTOBER 30, 2000*****
It’s important for you to be loved in October…you have one more day…good luck.
…God Bless America and let Bush/Cheney/Nader not be around for later…SAG
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 29, 2000
…Ladies and Gentlemen, and a good mornin’ to yuh…
this October the 29th… …’pears we’re a startin’ the big countdown…
that countdown to the DAY, amen…THE DAY…November the seventh,
amen and halleluiah…
the day when you’ll be a pickin’, amen, A NEW PRESIDENT,
amen and halleluiah…
…A LEADER…A MAN, amen,
or a rich BOY,
A MAN who has served his country for 24 years in Washington, amen,
and SERVED in Vietnam….
Sure he warn’t in any immediate danger...amen…
but the good Lord knows he sure wasn’t a playin’ AWOL war games in Alabama either, amen and halleluiah...
…A MAN who is thinkin’ about YORE future,
amen and halleluiah...
not a BOY who don’t even THINK...
A MAN, amen,
with his eyes on the environment…a tellin’ you about the DANGERS out there, amen,
if’n we don’t respeck MOTHER NATURE, amen...
and a BOY
who wants to drill holes in God’s GREEN earth, to get that BLACK GOLD,
for his millionaire friends who are a sponsorin’ him in this contest,
amen and halleluiah…
Now you may have yore quarrels with the MAN, but
in the name of God, amen, and all that is holy,
why would you WANT TO VOTE
for the BOY?
...amen…
Let me remind you folkz,
amen and halleluiah…
you may think this BOY is good natured?
Naow, I don’t wanta OFFEND anyone, amen, but
most IDIOTS ARE good natured…
…amen an’ halleluiah….
Think about all the times you have heard him say, amen,
I am a UNITER not a DIVIDER…
and then think about how the REPUBLICAN CONGRESS,
amen and halleluiah,
has divided and tore this here country apart…amen...
How they have tried to assassinate our PRESIDENT, amen,
without firing a shot…
And think about the REAGAN years…
the homeless, the jobless, the sick…the union bustin’…amen…
THINK ABOUT IT…
And think about the BUSH years…
when he could’ve taken that ole SADDAM, amen, out…
but let him stay…to fight another day…amen,
and the drug deals and the Oliver Norths and Colin Powell
who runs aroun’ pretendin’ to be a BLACK MAN,
pretendin’ to be an honorable human bein’,
when ALL THE TIME,
AMEN AND HALLELUIAH,
he’s supportin’ A RICH WHITE BOY who never did nothin’ fer ennyone…
…AND HE KNOWS HIS RECORD…
and STILL HE KEEPS ON….
And then you people say he is honorable…I tell YOU,
amen and halleluiah,
that any Vietnam vet who served his COUNTRY, amen,
and who comes home and ends up a smokin’ a little pot, amen,
so’s he can forget a little,
and any man who DID NOT FIGHT THAT WAR
BECAUSE IT WAS AN UNJUST WAR
AND ACTED ON THEIR CONSCIENCE BY LEAVIN’ THE COUNTRY
OR BEIN’ A CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTER ON PRINCIPLE, amen…
that man IS MORE HONORABLE THAN
THAT WHITE MAN IN BLACK FACE, GENERAL COLIN POWELL…
who has been BOUGHT AND PAID FOR...amen...
And he is a shameful man to try to persuade the AMERICAN PEOPLE, amen,
that this IDIOT is fit to be PRESIDENT…
He is shameful INDEED, amen.…
And if’n you wanta study up on yore hist’ry...
think about Nixon...amen…and the thugs,
amen an’ halleluiah,
that took over OUR White House…
And then think all the way back to Eisenhower
and then just trot that mind o yor’n back to the HOOVER days...
And then think again about this GOOD NATURED DRUNK, amen,
that an evil force, amen,
which is the REPUBLICAN PARTY, amen,
wants to put IN YORE WHITE HOUSE,
amen and halleluiah…
Most drunks are good natured until you start to CROSS ‘em...amen…
and when DRUNKS are CROSSED, amen, they gets mean and cantankerous,
amen and halleluiah…
shaky, amen, and wanta start a fight…amen…
wanta SHOW PEOPLE WHO’S THE BOSS,
amen and halleluiah…
Whut if HE’S a sittin’ up there in that POWER CHAIR, amen,
and HE gets a little DRUNK with POWER, amen,
and HE gets a little mad, amen,
and he decides like most drunks do to show someone
HE, amen, is the BOSS, amen,
oney it ain’t SOMEONE,
…it’s a COUNTRY...
And all he has to do is PUSH A BUTTON,
amen an’ halleluiah.…
…just think about hit….
…Amen an' Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2000
WASHINGTON, DC: The George W. Bush Campaign expressed concern about the government’s release, Thursday, of 420 hours of former President Nixon’s secret White House tapes that include the voice of the Presidential Candidate’s father, Godfather George H. W. Bush. The senior Bush is heard on only three of the 4,140 conversations that were recorded in late 1971. “The Gore Campaign’s accusation that we had those tapes altered is not even credible,” said Karen Hughes, GWB’s girl Friday, on Saturday, as she poured herself a shot and lit up an unfiltered Camel cigarette. “How in the hell do they think we have all that power,” she said from the side of her mouth as she loosened the gag on John Taylor, executive director of the Nixon Library. “We would not even know how to go about it. The fact that our Candidate’s wife is a graduate of the Rosemary Wood Secretarial School does not mean a damned thing.”
Sources say that on the tape the former President Bush is heard asking Mr. Nixon how he feels about the power of women, to which Nixon replies, “They should not even have the vote....” When asked about that this morning, Candidate Bush said, “What can I say? Mr. Nixon is wrong. I love women. Without women, most children would be orphans.”
NEW YORK, NY: “The Vice President has consistently and repeatedly made up things, exaggerated, embellished facts,” said Bush Communications Director and Bush’s girl Friday on Sunday Fox News. “He is a product of the Washington Establishment, our Candidate, George W. Bush, is an outsider. A newcomer to politics. He will be a breath of fresh air to the country.
After the program, a source said that Bill O’Neil, moderator of the program, received an e-mail from a Ms. Ima Gasp from Houston, Texas, the most polluted city in the nation, which said, “I heard Karen Hughes say that Governor Bush was a breath of fresh air…would you please have him come to Houston and give me a little?”
Governor Bush has said, in keeping with the Republican slogan of the week, “Give a little, Get a Lott,” he will be glad to honor Ms. Gasp’s request.
PROFFER, TX: Claiming once again that he is an outsider, a uniter, not a divider, Republican Candidate George W.imp Bush, son of former Congressman, former UN Ambassador, former CIA Director, former Vice President, and former President of the United States, Godfather George H. W. Bush, said today that he was completely unaware that his father had ever served in any government capacity.
“Everytime I came down I asked Mom where Dad was and she’d just say ‘away on business’…” he said today in an interview with Tim Russert. “Came down from where?” asked Russert. “Upstairs where they kept me,” said Bush. “In that room with the rubber floor and walls.…”
When Barbara Bush was asked about this today, she said as she loaded her six-shooter, “The Bushes have no secrets. I told you he was a bouncing baby boy.”
PITTSBURGH, PA: Stumping through the socially conservative western reaches of this important swing state, Bush questioned the integrity, courage, and moral character of Vice President Al Gore and called the race a matter of “values.”
“I am glad to meet you families,” he said, his propeller spinning out of control, his yarmulke sitting crookedly on his head. “I will protect you. I don’t want nations feeling like they can bully ourselves and our allies. The Vice President has lied. He has said that 80% of the people get the death tax. In my Administration, 100% will get it. Also, there needs to be a wholesale effort against racial profiling, which is illiterate children. And on the matter of money? I would have my treasury be in touch with the financial centers, not only here but at home where the broads are. As for the environment? I know the human being and the fish can coexist peacefully. All we have to do is stop these vicious fish attacks. I will have a foreign-handed foreign policy...and you families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream….”
When one woman in the audience asked him about a health program, he said, looking compassionately into her eyes, “If I’m the President, you’ll have emergency room care, we’re going to give gag orders.”
Said 88-year-old Hi Thair, of Philadelphia, a life-long Republican who says he is casting his ballot for Gore, “He gives a new meaning to the term ‘brotherly love’…you’d have to be his goddamned brother to love him….”
AUSTIN, TX: A remake of the “Daisy” commercial--perhaps the most infamous of all political attack advertisements outside of the one depicting George W.imp Bush in a military uniform--is being shown in several states today, but the target this time is Vice President Gore, not Barry Goldwater. In it the commercial states that the Clinton-Gore Administration “sold” the nation’s security to Communist Red China in exchange for campaign contributions. It says that China has the power to threaten the U.S. and then shows a little girl pulling petals off a daisy, replaced by a countdown of a missile, which is followed by a nuclear bomb blast…with the message “Don’t Take A Chance, Vote Republican.”
“We know nothing about this,” said Bush Chief Strategist Karl Rove, as he checked to see how many states the ad would be running in. “The word we have is that Bill Clinton disguised as Bill O’Neil disguised as George Will manufactured this ad to deliberately cast a shadow on our upright clean non-negative moral campaign, and that Al Gore is lying for him. To which, Al Gore said, “They are lying sons of bitches….”
I told you Gore was honest….
ST. LOUIS, MO: “In the wake of Mel Carnahan’s death last week, the Candidate has shot ahead in the polls and now leads Republican John Ashcroft in the race for the U.S. Senate,” reports the Kansas City Star.
This has led the Republican National Committee to issue this bit of advice to Ashcroft: “We of the Committee would advise you to take all procedures as quickly as possible to see that you are also posthumously carried on the ballot. This idea of a dead man being elected Senator is one that seems to be popular this year, and we feel in this instance it is the right approach.”
Mr. Ashcroft’s office has announced that they are complying and that Mr. Ashcroft’s funeral is planned for Monday. “We had to forego the traditional three-day mourning period due to the expediency of this matter,” said Ms. Ashcroft, Mr. Ashcroft’s widow. When asked if he was really dead, Ms. Ashcroft replied, “It’s hard to tell with John--he always acts that way--but then, this is the first time he has been stiff for a long time.”
When told of this, George W.imp Bush said, “I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.”
...And when told that his remark had little or no relevance to the topic, he answered, “As Governor of Texas, I have set high standards for public schools.”
Okay.
…And on the Good Ship RNC, the ship’s captain, Tricky Dix, was seen perched astride the mast pole today after the ship’s cook, former Senator Bob Dole, sweetened the coffee with some Viagra. Said Captain Dix, “This is the only poll I trust.…”
…And bobbing along on the Atlantic Ocean, in the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire, Mariaelisamonisateresa and Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez are snuggled down on the last lap of their journey. As the Kooban Kutie stretches her long shapely legs and smooths over her voluptuous body the black teddy that barely covers her size 38C breasts with the perky nipples, and brushes her waist-length black hair back from her perfect oval face, exposing her dark sultry long-lashed eyes and dimples, exposing her even white teeth, she looks at Littlest Saint Alien and says, “Don’t worrrry…we arrr not crowded….thair’s alwayysss room for Chelloo….”
…And on the private Florida beach on the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Governor George W.imp Bush of Texas walks away from two dripping figures as they emerge from the watery depths and says compassionately, “So much for that goddamned shot in the arm for my campaign.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
INTENSE HEAT AS PRESSURE BUILDS….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush still on “off” ramp….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney call in subs--Powell designated shitter….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
Who said, on October 18, 2000, at a campaign rally in
LaCrosse, Wis., “It’s your money--you paid for it…”?
M
Answer: If you can’t answer that one--you’re as fucking dumb as he is.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 28, 2000*****
You have finally found the partner you have been looking for--a match made in heaven--your face and Bush’s ass….
…God Bless America and please let Nader's Raiders save Nader for later...SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2000*****
M The George W.imp Bush Campaign has expressed concern about the scheduled release today of 420 hours of former President Nixon’s secret White House tapes that include the voice of the Presidential Candidate’s father.
“He is heard talking or is talked about in over 100 of the 4,140 conversations,” said Ari Fleischer, Chief Strategist of the Chief Strategists and triggerman of the Bush Presidential Campaign. “You’d think that if that old son of a bitch was head of the CIA he’d have known enough to keep his damned mouth shut.”
According to the National Archives, the tapes carry conversations that occurred in late 1971, when former President Bush was U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations.
“Not that we think that old George H. W. was mixed up in anything crooked or anything,” said Karl Rove, Chief Chief Chief Strategist of the Chief Chief Strategists and lookout for the Bush Presidential Campaign. “But we just think there is something suspicious about releasing these tapes at this stage of the campaign. We have an ongoing concern about what this Administration is doing to create external events to influence the outcome of this election. Godfather Bush was an honorable man and did not do anything this campaign would not want known. Outside of a few deals with China, Iran, Russia, maybe a little insider trading, and pulling some strings to keep Dubya outa Nam, there is just no ‘there’ there.”
“We contacted our contact man, Jim Ciconni, who worked in the Bush White House and helped set up the Bush Presidential library. He set his boys on National Archives Director Joltin’ John Carlini, who called Vinny the Vagrant who then contacted Sal the Slayer. I don’t know if Big Jim the Joker Ciconni asked the Archives to delay the release or not...but by God I know when Susan the Screw Cooper, a spokeswoman for the Archives, woke up with that horse’s head in her bed…she by God knew what we wanted.”
“Yeah, I knew about the tapes,” said Big Jim the Joker Ciconni. “…Vinny told me he was puttin’ the squeeze on Art the Archivist today, but I ain’t heard from ‘im. I’m doin’ some lawyerin’ for AT&T right now. Just don’t ask me no more, cause I ain’t talkin’ to no one till I talk to my lawyer and until he talks to his lawyer. This Bush gang is gonna get tough before this is all over…we may have to go to the mattresses on this one….”
“Yeah, Nixon installed that taping system back in early ‘71,” said Barney the Bull Leoni. “Had me ‘n the boys over here--watched while Big Dick did an anti-drug PR film, gave Elvis a medal and shot up a little--popped a few pills--just a normal evenin’ with the Boss and then he brought that up about the tapes…could I find someone to do it…so I got Manny the Mauler Frischetti and he contacted old George the Groper Bush and he got a hold of some of his gang there in Texas and afore yuh knowed it--by Gawd, we had the neatest little setup since Ike appointed old Charlie the Creep Wilson, that Corporate Head of GM, to his cabinet--that’s how we all got our foot in the door.…”
“I blame the Democrats for this,” said Karen Hughes, Bush gun moll and girl Friday, on Thursday, talking from the side of her mouth through a dangling cigarette.…” “If they hadn’t been so petty over the Watergate burglary, those tapes would not even have been found, would never have been archived, and never been released. It’s pretty damned rotten when Republicans cannot even pull a silly robbery back in ‘71 without having all this just two weeks before the election.”
“Well, I talked to Oliver the Felon North today,” said Lenny the Lion Leonardi, head of the Texas For Bush Or Else branch of the United People Yearn Over United Republican Sweep or UP YOURS. “He said that the archives are gonna open up more than 4,000 conversations that Big Dick recorded between August and December of ‘71…now what we’re a wonderin’ is if there’s anything on there about little wimp Dubya’s AWOL thing…yuh know that took place in ‘72 and ‘73 and on into ‘74…by Gawd, we may end up archivin’ some of these archivin’ guys.…”
“I really don’t think the Bush camp has anything to fear,” said Chris Mathews of MSNBC’s “Hard Ball.” “Between Tucker Carlson of CNN, Tim Russert of NBC, and Sam and Cokie--not to mention Rush and the entire news media--I think we can successfully turn this AWOL story, or any subsequent conversations that may be revealed on the Nixon tapes, into just another Clinton escapade or an Al Gore exaggeration. We all know how he lies.”
“All I know is that old George the Groper is purty upset,” said Hank the Handler DePaolo today, as he took stock of the rifle room in the Bush Hideout in the Hills. “We ain’t so afraid of him, but when Barb the Barbarian gets her whanger out, there’s hell to pay. She said last night during rifle practice that there might be ‘somethin’’ said on the recording that could affect the Wimp’s bid for the Presidency--just two weeks before the election...that means she by Gawd wants somethin’ done….”
John H. Taylor, executive director of the Richard Nixon Library and Birthplace Foundation in Yorba Linda, Calif., said today, as he stood stiffly by the side of young Prescott (“Pretty Boy”) Bush, son of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, nephew of Texas Governor George Bush, and grandson of former Congressman, CIA Director, UN Ambassador, Vice President and President George “Godfather” Bush, “I have no knowledge of any concerns being raised by the Bush campaign…I have substantial familiarity with the content of the release and can assure you there is absolutely nothing that is prejudicial in the least to the Bush family.”
Sources say that Mr. Taylor has been assured his infant son will be returned to him shortly after the election.
…And as Tricky Dix, the captain of the Good Ship RNC, hastily looks over faxes from the Republican National Committee in D.C., he says, “Rand Report…Nixon Tapes…Environment…I wonder if I can keep this boat afloat?”
…And in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez is drawing ever closer to the Florida shores as Mariaelisamonisateresa stretches her shapely legs over the side of the craft, breathes deeply in the morning air, her black lace teddy exposing her full breasts and firm nipples as her waist-length hair shines in the sun, and she casts her dark sultry long-lashed eyes upward, dimples prettily as she sees Captain Bleu Skye in the National Guard Coast Guard Plane, and says, “I wondair how long hee hass bean uppp?”
…And on the private Florida beach on the private Florida pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Texas Governor George W.imp Bush sits privately innnnnnhallllllinggg on a doobie as he watches two wet figures emerge from the Atlantic Ocean and says, “Well, there goes the sympathy vote.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Smog alert--visibility zero in Texas….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
State of Texas closed to traffic…detour….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush throwing the bull….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What political party represented by Presidential Candidate George W.imp Bush,
who has a criminal record dating back to 1971 that may now be exposed in fuller detail, is criticizing President Clinton’s cabinet
for going to bat for Vice President Gore?
M
Answer: Come on now…..I don’t have to tell YOU….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE FRIDAY, OCTOBER 27, 2000*****
You’re feeling unusually clumsy--that’s because you don’t have a leg to stand on….
…God Bless America and let the Democrats’ clout get that winning vote out…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2000*****
M The London Times and the BBC have told Larry Flynt that they are interested in his story regarding George W.imp Bush’s frolicsome fucking in the 1970s and are considering going with the story. Evidence has been uncovered revealing the fact that, while working on a campaign for his father in Texas, he impregnated a girl and had his father’s campaign manager arrange for an abortion. “I have affidavits from four of the girl’s friends but she herself says she has nothing bad to say about George,” said Flynt. “When I asked her if she was upset that George did not come to the hospital, she started crying and got upset. Now this was before Roe v. Wade…abortions were not legal then. This was a goddamn crime. How is it that this is okay for Bush and not everyone else? When I was on Crossfire with Bob Novak and started talking about this, I could hear those guys screaming in my earpiece “there’s not a damned thing we can do about this…we’re live.” I later learned that CNN would not release any tapes, would not let any transcripts out, and then they deleted everything. I have had three investigators working on this for the past 8 months…what I’d like to know is, why the media is so concerned about Al Gore’s credibility, but they will not turn the tables on Bush. Bush’s spin machine in Texas makes Clinton’s look antiquated…now, I’m going to call King and ask him if he won’t bring this up when Bush is on his show….”
The Sagmeister News has obtained a copy of that show’s audio tape. Note: Many people have accused Mr. Bush of not listening to the questions and merely giving “pat” answers. Dear Readers, you be the judge….
Larry King, Remotely Alive: …Tonight we have as our guest, Governor George W. Bush of Texas, Republican Candidate for President. Viewers may ask questions by calling 1-800-IND EEP SHIT…Good evening, Governor Bush….
Bush: Good evening, Barry, and I’d like to say to begin with that Jesus Christ is my own personal saviour, and I’d like to extend my condolences to all the families who lost soldiers on that big boat that was attacked by foreign terriers when our inadequate forces were bombed and….
King: Mr. Bush, We have a question here from one of our viewers, a Mr. Larry Flynt and…
Bush: …and I want to extend my prayers to the uh…er….uh….and blessings, God’s blessings on the families whose lives were up…..yuh know?
King: Governor Bush, Mr. Flynt says that he has evidence that will prove…
Bush: I support a national patient’s bill of rights…
King: I’m sure you do, but Mr. Flynt says that four girls…
Bush: In my state a woman does not have to go through a gatekeeper to get to a gynecologist. My bill says that you cannot gag a doctor….
King: That’s good news because Mr. Flynt says he has had 3 investigators….
Bush: Patients can choose their own doctor...if you’ve got a complaint, you just take it to an objective body….
King: Did the girl that was carrying your…
Bush: Mr. Ring?...uh…Cary?…I can get it done...I can get something positive done on behalf of the…
King: The question is, did you…
Bush: I find that it is not only your philosophy and your position on the issues--but can you get things done…I got things done….
King: I’m not quite through here…did the girl…
Bush: Well, that’s a great question, I think one of the problems we have is there is no collective bargaining…
King: What has collective bargaining got to do with a girl getting pregnant and….
Bush: One of the most important things is research…..
King: And are we to understand you were doing some research when you got this…
Bush: I told her…uh…them…uh….what I mean is, I trust people…if they just submit…
King: She submitted…?
Bush: Well, you know it’s hard to make people love me…er to love one another. I wish I knew the law because I’d darn sure sign it…I wish I knew the law that said all of us had to be good parents. Each of us must love our children with all our heart and soul….
King: Is that what you were thinking when you got your father’s campaign manager to….
Bush: I happen to believe that strong accountability encourages parental involvement...I think when you measure and post results on the...
King: Were you with the girl when she…
Bush: Well, I think that any time when we end with one of these attacks, it’s appropriate to respond…
King: Did you…uh……er ….respond…to……?
Bush: Well, I said….you know there has to be a consequence and we have a society that says “just move them right on through…”
King: What I am trying to determine is…
Bush: Did you know there are about 60 percent of the strings when you go to fill out paperwork? I don’t know if you have to be a paperwork filler-outer, but most of it…
King: Are you saying you filled out papers for…
Bush: I believe strongly in the protection act. Part of it is you just can’t control--you can’t have a consequence--then there are lawsuits and threats--and no respect--but I said way back then that I believe in flexibility…and access---it needs to be part of our curriculum….
King: Then you admit that Mr. Flynt’s contention is…
Bush: Well, 94% comes from the local level and…
King: Would you admit that you.…
Bush: Well, it’s three times bigger than President Clinton’s….
King: What? WHAT?
Bush: It’s in an ad, all you have to do is look at my record….
King: Jesus…wish we could spend an hour talking about this….
Bush: Go ahead...but if this was a contest, I’d probably come in second…even though…
King: But you just said…
Bush: The mission must be clear, and the exit strategy needs to be well defined….
King: I don’t understand…I was asking you about…and then you.…
Bush: You see, Perry, your mission has become quite fuzzy…I want to make sure my equipment is the best...I want the best equiperments in the world….
King: Did you know the other four girls…? They have said they were all together when…
Bush: I am a uniter, not a divider…I have fast-track negotiating ability. In the case you are talking about? I am for research and development...and the best answer is the on-off button….
King: My god…are you saying?….
Bush: Well, you could have filters….
King: Filters?…do you think that might have made a difference in the case that Mr. Flynt is referring…
Bush: I do. It’s the only reason for it. I know that’s a controversial view, but I do believe what we really need is a bipartisan approach…I bring people together….
…And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Tricky Dix, despondent over the loss of ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana who is in reality Mariaelisamonisateresa, sits on the deck holding the voluptuous maiden’s white nylon jumpsuit as he gazes wistfully at the rolling waters of the Atlantic Ocean and says, “Oh helll…what’s in a name?”
…And in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Mariaelisamonisateresa sips her lime chello as she finds herself slowly regaining strength and combs her waist-length shiny black hair, massages her bulging breasts with the pert nipples and crosses her shapely legs that extend from the sheer black lace teddy and says as she examines a monogram on her panties with her sultry black long-lashed eyes and flashes a mischievous dimple… “Heee teenks hee hass thee scanty panties? These are thee juans that make juan weak.…” And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez smiles as he regains hold of his Mickey Mouse and, grasping his pouch and the papers dated “1972-73--The Missing Year,” goes full-speed ahead....
…And on the private Florida beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Texas Governor George W.imp Bush takes a needle out of his arm and sighs deeply as he looks at the two still-floundering figures in the Atlantic Ocean and compassionately says, “Too bad, but maybe this’ll help me carry Florida….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Foggy….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
All systems go….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush still looking for ball….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What candidate who says he is “pro life” aborted his girlfriend
by deserting her after he had paid for an abortion of his child? Clue: This candidate has
the campaign slogan “Leave No Child Behind.”
M
Answer: George W.imp Bush, the “education” candidate who advocates “character” education in our schools….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE THURSDAY, OCTOBER 26, 2000*****
You wanted to be part of a team…now get a hold of yourself and pull….
…God Bless America and let the women’s vote rock George W.’s boat…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2000*****
M Ralph Nader “could tip as many as six states from Vice President Gore to George W.imp Bush, making a potentially crucial difference in the Electoral College,” the Washington Post reports. The states--Maine, Michigan, Minnesota, Oregon, Washington, and Wisconsin--have a total of 61 electoral votes.
As the days grow shorter until election day, the Nader forces are becoming more militant and more determined to “take down” the establishment.
“I will not bow down to the Fascist Reich,” said Lancelot Surr, head of the Nader Is Xcellent or NIX, a fraction faction located at Camp EffU on the outskirts of Columbia, Illinois. “Here in Sharewood Forest, we will hold out until every man, woman, and child in America is without ANY kind of health insurance, all public schools are closed, unemployment stands at at least 50%, women are forced to go back to back-alley abortions, Social Security is a thing of the past, and EVERYONE is homeless. We are going to teach these sheep that follow the Democrat Party that they have been participating in the Corporate Ruling Class--by God, we of the GREEN Party are the true leaders of the United States, and if they cannot accept that fact, we are just going to have to take drastic action.”
Standing in front of the main tent at Camp EffU, a flag depicting a ficus tree on a field of green waving in the fall breeze in the background, Colonel Surr, wearing his Douglas MacArthur sunglasses, dressed in army fatigues, his grenade belt fastened securely around his waist, his helmet decorated with ficus tree leaves so to better obscure him in the Illinois countryside, a shiny knife encased in his heavy boots, and his bayonet at the ready, was an impressive sight. “We are bivouacking here for the present. Our headquarters is the main tent, but these little pup tents here house our army and their families. We are here for the duration. We are through being bossed around by the Demopub Party--we, with the help of our fearless leader, Ralph Nader the Raider, are going to take over the United States. We are the true party of the people, and, by God, we’ll bring them to their knees if we have to.”
All was quiet except for the drone of the drilling instructors in the background as they put the GREEN troops through various drills. “This training is important,” said Colonel Surr, as he surveyed his troops marching jauntily to the song “It’s Not Easy Being Green.” “We have to be at the ready by election day. We intend to take over every precinct in the country.”
Sources say that at the order of Ralph Nader Raider’s chief commander, filmmaker Michael Moore, instructors from Flint, Michigan, have been dispatched to vital areas across the United States. “By Gawd, we will fight until we have no breath to fight with,” declared Colonel Surr. “We have been downtrodden long enough. We are tired of going to the church of our choice, sending our kids to public schools, having a job, collecting Social Security, letting immigrants in here, driving cars, letting women have equal rights, and we are tired of having a leader who will fight for a higher minimum wage. By Gawd, in a Ralph Nader Raider administration, there will be no more minimum--we are determined to take everything to the maximum.”
As a distant alarm sounded, the cornfield was suddenly filled with small children, giggling and laughing as they frolicked in the sun, squirting each other with squirt guns filled with green ink. “These kids are just an example of our strength,” said Colonel Surr, as he scanned a dispatch from the adjacent camp in St. Louis, Mo. “This is good news,” he said. “Since that governor was killed in Missouri, we can withdraw our troops from there and send them on to Minnesota or Michigan…or maybe Wisconsin. I just got word yesterday that the Bay Area is solidly in back of Ralph Nader the Raider and the Republicans say they may now have Missouri in a lock. It’s for sure Gore ain’t gonna win that one.”
“These kids just got outa their indoctrination classes,” said Colonel Surr. “We give ‘em classes every day from 8:00 AM to 3:00 PM, and then they have their field maneuvers. You’d be surprised how quickly they pick this up. You just can’t have kids attending public schools these days--hell, they might learn something. These kids are going to be the GREENEST kids in America.”
On election day, the camp was restless as they prepared for the fight of their lives, the day they had all been anticipating. Colonel Surr, driving the lead tank, made his way into Chicago and the very heart of the Democrat Party. “We intend to take every precinct in the Chicago area,” he confided. “According to the latest Fox Network-Limbaugh-North poll, with the help of the Republican Party, we can beat the Democrat Party into oblivion.”
As Colonel Surr entered a precinct located on the upper East Side, he was greeted by Ima Voter, a judge at the precinct, who said, “I’m sorry, Colonel Lancelot Surr, you cannot enter a polling place carrying an assault weapon, wearing a grenade belt, a knife in your boots, and with your bayonet at the ready--you are interfering with the voting process.” “I am Colonel Lancelot Surr, head of the GREEN Party in Illinois,” said the Colonel as he removed his sunglasses and stared her unflinchingly in the eye. “We are taking over this precinct. You are now under arrest. I don’t like to judge, judge, but you are a fucking Corporate puppet and I fucking am not fucking going to take any more fucking from you and the fucking dictatorial powers you fucking represent. I will be fucked if I am.”
As the police closed in, Colonel Surr took cover behind an Al Gore sign, first measuring to make sure it was 50 feet from the polling place as the law requires. Then, taking out his megaphone, he shouted to his troops, “Don’t shoot until you see the whites of their eyes,” placed a grenade between his teeth, and belly-crawled to the nearest Fox hole. Passers-by did not even seem to notice as the camouflaged figure deftly snaked down the busy street, evaded traffic, and made its way to a bright green plastic tent in the play area of a nearby McDonald’s.
“You okay, sir?” asked 1st GREEN Army Sgt. Dandy Lion, saluting snappily as Colonel Surr removed his Douglas MacArthur sunglasses and vainly tried to make radio contact with his tank. “Yes, son, war is hell,” said Colonel Surr, returning the salute and wiping the street debris from his GREEN uniform.
“Any orders, Sir?” inquired young Sgt. Lion anxiously.… “Sergeant,” said Colonel Lancelot Surr, his lips forming a grim line, “Hold the pickles, hold the lettuce.…”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, the ship’s captain, Tricky Dix, takes a brown government issue plastic bag, firmly sealed by the familiar yellow ties, and places it in the ship’s safe, as he says, “This evidence may be scanty, but that seestair had a bug in her panties….”
…And in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Mariaelisamonisateresa hurriedly dons a black teddy and surveys the shiny waist-length hair and the lush breasts with the pert nipples, with her dark sultry long-lashed eyes, as she tries to cover her voluptuous womanhood with Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez’s Mickey Mouse and tries desperately not to faint as Alien says, “Here, seestair…een thee thairmos…here ees your lime chello.…”
…And Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye, reporting from his observation point above, says to radio station i.e. America, “By God, it’s Mariaelisamonisateresa and she is going for the green….”
…And on the private beach on the private pier of missing Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Texan Governor George W.imp Bush fumbles at his privates and says compassionately as he watches another shadowy figure floundering in the raging ocean, “That’ll teach ‘im not to get the vote out in Florida….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Intense heat….as pressure builds....
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Nader’s Raiders in head-on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Nader playing hard ball….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What candidate says he is an advocate of the people
but yet is in agreement with Pat Buchanan’s immigrant policy, agreed with the Republican Congress
and Ken Starr in the impeachment and ensuing treatment of
the Clintons, is friends with the Christian Coalition, and reneged on his promise
not to campaign in states that were pivotal to Gore?
M
Answer: Ralph Nader--the truth evader….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 25, 2000*****
Keep your delightful sense of humor handy--laugh at yourself--everyone else does….
…God Bless America and save us all from the Ralph Nader Raiders Crusaders…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2000*****
M Senator John McCain campaigned side-by-side with George W.imp Bush on Friday in Bangor, Maine. “I believe that this man, who bravely faced down Al Gore in the debate Tuesday night as he was stalked around the podium, and cowered behind his mother and his wife in his “W Is For Women” rally in St. Louis, is fully prepared to serve as Commander-in-Chief,” he told a large crowd of 60,002. “We found out with the USS Cole that we live in a dangerous world,” he added. “And I feel in my heart that George W. Bush, who has extensive knowledge regarding world affairs, is best qualified to serve as your Commander-in-Chief. We are just now beginning to find out the extent of this hero’s service to his country. How he bravely withstood efforts to pilot an F-102 fighter plane in the Alabama Air National Guard, knowing that by his absence, some less fortunate lad could take his place and earn a place in history as having died for his country. George W.imp Bush is selfless in his endeavor to unite this country.”
It was the second time the two former rivals had campaigned together since the GOP convention. This appearance was part of the Republicans’ “Kiss a Woman, Make a Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up Our Ass” efforts which they first initiated in July. “I am particularly glad to be a part of this Kiss A Woman initiative, said McCain. “If I have to kiss every woman from here to Phoenix, I will. I am here to offer my services to the Republican Party and to help insure a victory.” A reliable source said today that Senator McCain has been kissing his way across the United States and has joined forces with his former rival to ensure a GOP victory. “I am all puckered up and ready to go,” he said as he brushed his lips across the Presidential Candidate’s cheeks. McCain said that this kissing does not really come hard to Republican candidates. “We have been kissing for years,” he said as he moistened his lips. “Kissing is what the GOP does best.”
Polls indicate that a predominate number of women are supporting Gore, while Bush is drawing his support from while males whose primary interests seem to lie in their guns and whether or not they should have trigger locks to keep them from discharging.
Candidate George W.imp Bush, clad in a fresh robe to wind up the campaign, wearing new Roman sandals but carrying the same imitation leather rosary-entwined Ramada Inn Bible, his yarmulke perched jauntily on his head, the newly oiled propeller spinning rapidly, said, “We found out with the USS Cool that we live in a dangerous world. When those terriers attacked our big boat on October 12 in Amen, seventeen soldiers were killed and 39 were innured in the big bang that followed. I am here to talk about military redness. It is unpatriotic not to talk about military redness.”
Honest John McCain, who some describe as a hero of the Vietnam War because he was kept in a cage and submitted to daily beatings to prove his strength, was asked how he could support a Candidate who has been revealed as not only a dodger of that war but also a dodger of alternate service in the Air National. Guard Records prove that Bush was enlisted in the Guard and merely went AWOL without any repercussions. McCain said, “That was a long time ago. I am inclined to let bygones be bygones. The rumor that I have been promised a position in a Bush Administration does not even enter it. I am in agreement with Colin Powell, General Schwartzkopf, and the Chiefs of Staff that have been kissing up to the Bushes for years, that that is water over and under the bridge.”
Before Friday, the two had campaigned only once together since Bush received the GOP nomination. “We took a train trip together to California the week between the two conventions,” said McCain. “However, I have been campaigning for Republican candidates and for Bush on my own initiative, and as suggested by members of the RNC national campaign if I knew what was good for me.”
Sources say that during the campaign train trip, a curious incident occurred. Mr. McCain was standing on the observation platform with Candidate Bush when he was suddenly shoved and, if not for his quick reflexes, would have fallen beneath the wheels of the train. Congressman Dan (“The Nose”) Burton, R-Ind., who happened to be on the train at the time, says he is certain that he saw Bill Clinton, dressed as the conductor, shove the Arizona Senator, but as yet charges have not been filed.
“Mr. Clinton pretends to be lying low,” said a member of the GOP national committee today. “Of course that is what he does best.”
McCain said today that he would have been on the hustings stomping for Bush long ago but for a bout of food poisoning caused when he ate some tainted catfish. “The Democrats know how vital he is to our campaign,” said Karl Rove today when interviewed at the post office as he was mailing another package to The Gap. “Karen Hughes told me that Joe Allbaugh told her that Ari Fleischer told him that Oliver North saw Hillary Clinton disguised as a waitress serving those fish to the Senator, and you know how truthful Oliver North is.” Ms. Clinton said she was inclined to think there was something fishy about this story. “The pain in Maine was inflicted by McCain,” she said today through her press secretary.
McCain said today he will campaign with Dick Cheney also. “I know this man received four deferments during the Vietnam War,” said McCain, as he batted at an invisible fly which seemed to be buzzing around his head. “But the American people must realize that this man had other priorities. At the time he was going to get married and attend three or four schools which he would eventually drop out of and he did not have time to serve in a war that was being fought by a bunch of riff-raff,” Senator McCain concluded as he hit the ground, shouting “Incoming…Incoming…Incoming...” at the sound of a private plane circling in the calm Maine sky.
“I love Honest John McCain,” George W.imp Bush said today, as he “accidentally” shoved him in front of a car as they were crossing a street in downtown Bangor. “Our friendship is as strong as ever.” Congressman Dan Burton said he witnessed the incident and “that was Bill Clinton disguised as George Bush who shoved Senator McCain. He has this amazing ability to be everywhere at the same time…but I am wise to him.” Congressman Dan was led away and is said to be spending a few days at the Get-A-Little-By-The-Sea Rest Home in Clearwater, Fla., where he indeed is getting very little.
Candidate Bush is said to be winding up his campaign by taking 29 governors on a tour to the states that are still up for grabs. “We are going to show the American people how united the Republicans can be,” he said today, as he grasped at a straw through which he was inhaling. “We are as one in our efforts to imprison drug users, strip the Social Security system, make religious education mandatory, incarcerate more minorities, make the United States a 3rd world country through increased legislation to empower corporations, and to imprison any woman for having an abortion. We want to give power back to the people.”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, Captain Tricky Dix, said to be in utter despair because of the loss of ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, sits grimly at the helm combing the landscape for a glimpse of the good sister. “All we have is her panties and roundabouts,” he said as he folded the black sheer Sunday panties, placed them in brown opaque government-issued trash bags, and tied them with a yellow tie. “And I promised Ken and Bob I’d put the snatch on ‘er….”
…And in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Littlest Saint Alien helps a sodden Mariaelisamonisaelisateresa into the craft as they head for the private pier on the private beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who sits privately with his brother, Texas Governor George W.imp Bush, on the private deck chairs on the private shore as they scan the landscape for signs of a floundering figure in the Atlantic Ocean and who says, “Do you think they’ll go for that sympathy vote, George?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Intense pressure continuing to build….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Nader Raiders getting mixed signals….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney team foul….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
Who is George W.imp Bush’s biggest
supporter and could tip as many as six states in his direction, thus costing
the Democrats the election?
M
Answer: The Raider Nader.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER’S REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE TUESDAY, OCTOBER 24, 2000*****
Family security is most important to you this year. That is why you are keeping them locked in the basement.
…God Bless America and please let it come to pass that we make the GOP kiss our Democratic ass…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2000*****
M A dozen long-time “Nader’s Raiders” are urging the Green Party Candidate to reassess his Presidential campaign, saying he could cost Democrat Al Gore the election.
“I will not bow down to the corporate reich,” said Candidate Ralph Nader. “And I will not bow down to the whores who work for the corporate reich. My raiders intend to raid the electoral system and cause the defeat of Al Gore, thus electing Bush. When the people lose their health care plans, and their prescription plans, the right for their kids to go to public schools, their Social Security after George Bush has frittered it away in the stock markets, their religious freedom, and have to get by on what’s left after Bush gives the 10 percenters all the tax benefits, then I will have achieved my goal. After the country is in a complete state of chaos, I will step in and save it through my paper recycling program.”
“Oh, he has lots of plans,” said a gray-haired spokeswoman for Later Nader’s Raiders, munching on a recycled sandwich. “After the recycled paper program is in effect nationwide, we will branch out into recycled food and thus higher pay for the menial worker. Mr. Nader, the Raider, has a plan whereby garbage men would have a full-time job with all they can eat...this is our new updated version of Meals-On-Wheels.”
“Ralph Nader, Raider, is tops with me,” said Dancein Bemerry, a member of the Middle Age Marauders or MAM. “We are a faction of the Green faction Raiders but we do a lot more than the Raiders. Where the Raiders just talk and save paper, we actually are marauders--we pillage and plunder. Last week we pillaged in Michigan and this week we are plundering in Illinois. We are going to get those votes for Ralph Nader and his Raiders. We figure that by the time this election is over, we will have pillaged and plundered every precinct in every state in the union.
One Nader Raider group, afraid that the Nader Raider candidacy may result in Gore’s defeat, has formed United Gore Hopefuls or UGH. “I am afraid we may become a splinter group, said spokesman Onyer Tose. “We have split from the Nader Is Xcellent set or NIX. We used to be a Green Party Group, which was founded by Raider Nader who is, as you know, the Official Raider. I really couldn’t tell you if we are going to become a faction unto ourselves or be a fraction of the friction faction to the Greens. We really don’t want to turn this into a personal issue, but the NIX faction should change their affiliation to the UGH fraction faction, so the friction in the different factions would be few. Or not.”
“Ralph Nader the Raider is really a fiscal conservative,” said Holden McGroin of California, a supporter of Democratic Candidate Al Gore. “He has got the first penny he ever made, is a millionaire with stock options, doesn’t drive a car, and lives in a one-bedroom apartment in Washington, DC. He rubs elbows with the Christian Coalition and agrees with Pat Buchanan on immigration. He was for the impeachment of President Clinton and thought he should have resigned. Ralph Nader the Raider is so close to the Far Right that if he should, by any quirk of fate, be elected President, many of the electorate would be left.”
“I have known Ralph for 25 years,” said Ima Smilin, Mr. Nader’s “steady” girlfriend. “And it’s true that he is very conservative. I love him dearly, but I’m really getting a little put off by the tightwad…last night we couldn’t have sex because he forgot the condom.” Sources say that after checking with other sources who checked with other sources, they found rumors have been confirmed that Mr. Nader does indeed have only one condom which he has used for over 25 years.
“I told him I would just start taking the pill,” said the 60-year-old Ms. Smilin, blushing prettily. “But he insists on using the protection. He is firmly behind women’s rights.”
“This is the first time I have ever voted,” said 18-year-old Terrence Tyler, a member of The Teen Terrorists. “We are a teenage faction of the Green Party,” he continued. “The teen faction will not cause friction. We are united behind our Candidate. We are pledged to strike fear into the hearts of anyone who is going to vote for Al Gore. We have terrorized all over the United States. These Gore people know they have us to reckon with. They have been talking about old folks’ issues, and don’t say anything about teens. So, they want their Social Security and their Medicare…okay…but we would like to have some new buildings to hang out in. I am tired of not being able to hang out. It is every teen’s right to hang out. We figure if we terrorize enough people, Bush will get elected. We know he is an ex-alcoholic, was AWOL in the Vietnam War, but he smiles a lot and I watched him on Letterman and he is really cool.”
“What I like about Bush is he is a uniter, not a divider,” said Wanda Wye, a Green Party supporter. “I am voting for Ralph Nader the Raider, because a vote for him would be the same as voting for Bush. You see, my heart is with Bush, but I don’t want my friends to know this, so I say I am voting for Nader the Raider. In this way, I will be united with the Republican Party but registered for the Green Party Candidate, which will probably get me on the evening news on the West Coast. Out here on the West Coast it’s the ‘in’ thing to do.”
As for Ralph Nader the Raider, he sued the Commission on Presidential Debates last Tuesday because he was denied admittance to the last two debates. “I told them I was Ralph Nader the Raider, Candidate of the Green Party--some Later Naders were with me, and so were some Middle Age Marauders and a number of Teen Terrorists. By the time I am finished with the Debate Commission, their ranking will be below the ranking of used car dealers.”
Upon hearing this, George W.imp Bush, the Uniter not the Divder, said, “I love Used Car Salesmen. I have talked to used car salesmen all across America. I can relate to them because I like the little people who are not rich like me and my Dick. I am humble. I may look like a used car salesman, but I just play one on TV.”
Reliable sources say Ralph Nader the Raider was, in reality, not wanting admittance to the debates. “He was hoping they wouldn’t let him in,”said Ralph Nader Raider’s mother, Ruth Nader Raider, late today. “He’s getting much more publicity this way. Everyone is talking about him now and how his poll keeps going up.”
So it seems, people really do have a choice and can use their voice. They can vote for Ralph Nader the Raider and be casting a proxy for Bush the Evader who doesn’t have moxie, or they can vote for Gore the Glorious who really doesn’t lie, and I don’t know why they don’t take a portion to talk about Dubya and a 70s abortion or stop trying to quell his AWOL. If you don’t vote Gore, I hope you burn in hell.
…And on the Good Ship RNC, the captain, Tricky Dix, and his crew are scanning the ship for signs of ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana who, on Saturday, stripped from her sheer white nylon jumpsuit, tossed her shiny waist-length hair back from her perfect oval face, flashed her long-lashed sultry black eyes, and bit her pouty lower lip with her perfect even white teeth, as she stood poised on the starboard bow, clad only in her birthday suit revealing her voluptuous body with her firm breasts and erect nipples, and jumped into the swirling waters of the Atlantic Ocean…. Sadly, Captain Dix picks up the ex-Sister’s clothing from where it has fallen on the deck, and says, “Get Dan Burton…by God, these are the Sunday panties he has been looking for…could Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana really be Monisaelisamariateresa?”….
…And in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez clutches his Mickey Mouse with one hand, and holds his pouch in his mouth, as he helps a nude ex-nun into his craft and says… “Here seestair...let me geev hew a hhand…” …to which Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana says, “OOOOOOOOps….”
…And on the private pier sitting on the private beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush sits Texas Governor George W.imp Bush, scratching his privates, as he lights up yet another doobie, looks at the floundering figure in the ocean before him, and says almost to himself… “Well...the old man always said he wanted to make a big splash….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Heat prevails….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
The race is on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush count 0 and two….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What 3rd Party Candidate really is good friends
with Christian advocates Falwell and Robertson, is in agreement with Patrick Buchananananan
on migrant issues, and approved of the Republican Congress’
impeachment of President Clinton?
M
Answer: The Raider himself--Ralph Nader.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, OCTOBER 23, 2000*****
If you are ever going to have a moment of clarity about what you are going to do with the rest of your life, this could be it. You live in Texas and the Governor just denied your clemency….
…God Bless America and please let the Nader Raider’s not be Al Gore invaders…SAG
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 22, 2000
…Ladies and Gentlemen, an’ a good mornin’ to yuh….
Well, jus’ look at that calendar…see it there a hangin’ on the wall? …Up there
under that “Don’t Forget To Vote” sign that the good sisters
of the Little Church put up there last week?
Amen and halleluiah.... A remindin’ you all,
like the good folk you are, tuh vote, amen, an’ don’t forget that.…
Ahm jus’ a gonna leave that up there…amen.…
Maybe have them make it a little BIGGER so’s to kinda PROD you a little,
make you know that there is oney, amen,
a FEW days left before that votin’ day, amen,
keep you a thinkin’ about that VOTE,
Amen and halleluiah,
an’ yore lives and yore hopes, amen, and yore dreams,
amen and halleluiah…. Becuz that VOTE, amen, is all most of us has, amen,
the ONLY VOICE we ever gonna git...
And how you use that VOICE, amen,
iz a gonna make all the diffrunce in the world, amen....
It will determine, amen,
whether you will HAVE any HOPE, amen, or any DREAMS,
Amen an’ halleluiah…
or whether yore DREAMS will just be NIGHTMARES,
Amen and halleluiah….
It’s a fittin’, amen, that the election is held in the FALL of the year…amen…
because it kinda reminds YOU and ME and all o’ us
that the OUTCOME of this here electoral pro-cess,
THIS YEAR, amen, will decide
whether we STAND TOGETHER as a country, and as a DEMOCRACY
or whether we will FALL…
under the eleetism of a THEOCRACY…
with all o’ them BIBLE thumpin’ guyz
like FALWELL AND ROBERTSON and their candydate that is a pimpin’ fer them…
that Bush guy, AMEN…
whether we will look after our fellowmen or let them just die
like those ole pumpkins on the vine… FALL, amen,
like the leaves from the trees…a driftin’ in that cold wind of NOVEMBER…
like so many lost souls… a tumblin’ to the cold hard ground….
Yore old preacherman here, amen, ain’t so smart...amen,
not so smart as he offen THINKS he iz, amen,
but one thing he knows… PEOPLE need PEOPLE…
they need that WARMTH…amen…that LOVIN’, amen…that FELLOWSHIP,
Amen and halleluiah….
And if you vote for that GOP guy…that BUSH man, amen,
you will be votin’ agin’ all that LOVE, you will be a votin’ for HATE…
becuz underneath that little boy smirk...amen,
underneath that I AM A UNITER, amen,
is the EVIL that the Good Book speaks of….
This man and his PARTY, amen, would DESTROY,
Amen an’ halleluiah,
yore country as YOU, amen, now know it…make it over in THEIR IMAGE…
when we are now, amen, by the Grace of GOD,
amen an’ halleluiah,
in HIS image…
with the freedom HE wants for us...
the FREE WILL that the Good Book speaks of, my friends, whut HE, amen,
gave to us in His infinite WISDOM…FREEDOM an’ the right to live
on the sunny side of the street as we have a gotten used to over the past 8 years, amen….
It ain’t all been ROSY, amen…but it ain’t been all that DARK either….
Now votin’ is like crossin’ the street, amen…. All we have to do is
LOOK BOTH WAYS before we cross that street…amen,
just cross that road, amen an’ halleluiah,
and get to the other side, amen, SAFELY, OR you can, amen,
BELIEVE all the nay sayers, put yore blinders on, amen,
an’ then start to cross that road… But you’ll NEVER make it...amen...
never make it to that PROMISED LAND, amen,
becuz YORE promised land?…
that promised land?…
HAS ALREADY
BEEN
PROMISED….
…Amen and Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2000
NEW YORK, NY: The independent counsel, Robert Ray, has concluded that Hillary Rodham Clinton was “factually false” in sworn testimony about her role in the firing of seven members of the White House travel staff in 1993. “This does not mean that I don’t think she is a lying bitch,” said Mr. Ray, when interviewed on Friday. “Hillary said she didn’t have any input in deciding to fire the staff in the travel house, while finagling around the factual facts that are forever facing the factions involved in this fucking case,” he added.
Sources say that the voluminous public record discloses that actually Mr. Ray had no other choice. “He had no evidence against her,” said Strong Arm, an assistant to Mr. Ray. “But he can tell when anyone is lying. His stomach will growl and then his ball will start to itch. Mr. Ray is no doubt right in his final analysis, but he is only going on gut instinct.”
“She told them all she knew,” said defense attorney Hiden Seek. “The fact that Mr. Ray is releasing this material just 3 weeks before the election is highly suspicious. It is just another way the Republicans have of trying to keep the so-called Clinton scandals before the public eye. They are trying to get Rick Lazio elected Senator.”
“All we know is that the firings occurred because she wanted them to,” said Ray, as he clutched his stomach. “I am going to nail those Clintons yet--I’m still looking into the Whitewater land deals, and I am almost certainly going to bring criminal charges against the President as soon as leaves office. …I know Clinton lied in the testimony in the Paula Jones case,” he continued as he scratched his crotch. “I have absolute evidence.”
Insiders say that Mr. Ray does not really have the ball to pursue this.
DETROIT, MI: Continuing on his campaign to brand Vice President Gore as lacking in character, George W.imp Bush today took a giant step forward on his road to the White House when he finally received the endorsements of his mother and his wife. “I didn’t know just who I was going to vote for until Tuesday night’s debate,” said his wife Laura, who had just flown in from Laredo, Texas. “But when I saw that big Al Gore walk over to George and threaten him, I knew that I was going to stand by my man even if he is boinking Karen Hughes.”
“I think George will make a wonderful figurehead…er…uh…chairman…er…uh President,” said Barbara Bush, when interviewed on ABC’s Good Mourning America on Thursday, as she fastened her grenade belt and loaded her six-shooters. “I’m here to see that they don’t shove him around.” Ms. Bush, whose accuracy with a 20-mm assault weapon belies her 75 years, despite back surgery 3 weeks ago, drove her tank from Proffer, Texas, to Michigan, to assist in her son’s election.
WASHINGTON, DC: “Mr. Bush is being grossly unfair,” said Doug Hattaway, campaign spokesman for Gore. “They are saying that he is saying what he didn’t say and when he said it--they have stories dating back to 1988...if they want to bring character into this campaign, let’s talk about Bush…that bastard is one hell of a character.”
“All I know is that I love all peoples and I am a uniter not a divider,” said Candidate Bush as he worked on his proposed voucher system, prepared his tax plan for the rich, studied over possible Supreme Court nominees that would deny a woman her right to choose, looked into possible oil drilling in Alaska that would benefit Big Oil, called various traders to discuss “investing” Social Security that would deny the elderly, called pharmaceutical companies to reassure them he would be on top of things, phoned insurance companies for details on his proposed health plan, calmed the HMOs in regard to a Patient’s Bill of Rights, and reassured the bottom 90% that they would be well taken care of if only they could all share in Richard Cheney’s stock options.
“He reviews his various programs daily,” said campaign spokesman Ari Fleischer. “Right now he is closeted with Karen and cannot be disturbed. They are reviewing affirmative access.”
WASHINGTON, DC: Jim Lehrererer said on Thursday that he was relieved the debates were over. He said on “Larry King, Remotely Alive,” on Wednesday, “The viewing audience got the false impression that Gore was deliberately antagonizing Mr. Bush. Not so. Mr. Bush was saying little things under his breath…‘my mother can lick your mother’ was his favorite...he said that over and over...and then he said something about ‘my Dick is better than your dick’…it was when he was talking about affirmative access that it got really bad…and I’m not even going to say what he said about Dingell-Norwood….”
Some critics are saying that Mr. Lehrererer, who is an author and an intellectual, did not probe the candidates enough. “I am strictly heterosexual,” said the PBS moderator. “I did not think that appropriate.” Outside sources revealed last week that Mr. Lehrererer has not voted in any election since 1969. “I did not want my thought processes to influence in my job,” he said today. “And besides, who the hell wants to vote for these pricks, anyway?”
AUSTIN,TX: In a startling revelation, George W.imp Bush declared today that God is his press secretary. When asked if his prayers had ever been answered, he candidly said, “The secret to manipulating God is not to ask him for any SPECIFIC thing…you just kinda give him that look--like I did at the debates in St. Louis? …And then you say, almost to yourself, ‘God, I hope I get at least 53% in the election’…or ‘God, I hope I can pronounce that word’…or ‘God, I hope I don’t blow this one’ …just stuff like that.”
When asked if he firmly believed in God and obeyed his tenets, Bush replied, “You’re Goddamn right….”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said today, as she kicked off her white nylon jumpsuit, exposing her lush female body, with the firm breasts and the pert nipples, brushed her black shiny waist-length hair back from her oval face, and gazed into the distance with her dark sultry long-lashed eyes as she bit her full pouty lower lip, “Well…hair Hi go--eet’s either seeenk or sweeem….”
…And approaching the Good Ship RNC in his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, still clutching his Mickey Mouse and his pouch, and steering with his feet, calls out to a dim figure as it plunges into the murky waters, “Hold onnn…Hi ham your fathair, seestair.…”
…And Florida Governor Jeb Bush joins Texas Governor George W.imp Bush on the private beach on his private pier at the private Governor’s mansion and says, as they watch a figure from above as it plummets into the Atlantic Ocean, “Don’t bogart that joint, my friend, pass it over to me….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Intense pressure building--unseasonably warm….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Gore/Lieberman--Bush/Cheney head on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush looking for ball….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
…Friends…in light of recent events,
i.e., the debate Tuesday night, which featured a cowering George W. Bush
trying to evade questions he did not know how to answer, and his mother coming
to bail him out of a difficult situation, what do you think the “W”
in George W. Bush really stands for?
M
Answer: WIMP…George W.imp Bush.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 21, 2000*****
You look for balance, harmony, and justification in the world around you. No wonder you are off balance, out of harmony, and there is no justification for you. ...You are a Republican….
…God Bless America and help the Demos to focus as we fight GOP hocus-pocus…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2000*****
M Hoping to enhance George W.hoops Bush’s stature among women voters, some of whom seem to prefer Vice President Al Gore, former First Lady Barbara (“Bow-Wow”) Bush, the popular family matriarch, is hitting the campaign trail to win some votes for her son.
Sources say that after witnessing the debate Tuesday night, Ms. Bush canceled her plans to fly to Egypt where she was expected to help strengthen the guerilla forces of Anwar Sadat. “I knew that when I saw Al Gore walk over to my son, in that threatening way in St. Louis, I had to do something,” said the former First Lady, Commander of the Armed Forces, under her husband’s tenure in the White House. “I was afraid he was going to make George cry. Karen called me and told me that he was irritable when he got up from his nap…and threw a tantrum when she denied him his pacifier. I knew by the look on his face at that debate that he was under a lot of strain. I don’t like disappointing Anwar, but a mother’s first duty is to her son.”
“I usually hold him and give him his pacifier,” said Karen (“Dickie”) Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday. “On Saturday we had reviewed the debate procedures, and on Sunday he was quite settled--took his nap, went to bed at 10:00 PM with his pillow (sources say that ‘pillow’ is Dubya’s code name for Ms. Hughes), and the same on Monday,” Ms. Hughes continued. “On Tuesday he was just irritable. Almost like he sensed something--you know, like a dog knows when there’s going to be a storm? It was like that. I got him up from his nap but only now have had time to give him his pacifier,” she added as she hastily fastened her blouse. “I blame myself. I know how upset he can be when he doesn’t get his breast rest.”
Standing before a huge crowd in Michigan, estimated at 50,001 by the RNC, the former First Lady, wearing her Army boots and fatigues, her famous trademark pearl necklace gracing her stout throat and topping off her ensemble, she told the cheering throng, “My son George will be an outstanding President.” Saying that she did not want to talk issues, she added, “I am like my son--I am not here to talk issues. Why in the hell should anyone talk issues? Ronald Reagan got through 8 years not talking issues, and my son’s father, the late George H. W. Bush got through 4 years not talking issues when he was President. Didn’t even talk issues when he was running against that weenie Dukakis. Issues are what clutter up a campaign. People want to know the little things--what is in your heart, how many times you go to the bathroom, what you had for dinner, intimate stories about your family. My late husband and I….”
When informed that her husband was not deceased, Ms. Bush smiled chillingly and replied, “He will be….”
Reliable secret sources revealed Wednesday that there are indeed campaign plans to “off” the Sr. Bush. “If we could just rig one of those parachutes not to open when that old fart goes sky diving, we would be guaranteed the sympathy vote,” Chief of Chief Strategists Karl Rove says on a tape that was accidentally mailed to the DNC. “The tape, entitled ‘Popping Pop’ or ‘Bush Whacked,’ was discovered in a brown opaque trash bag in the rear of the building that houses the DNC,” FBI Director Louis Freeh said today.
“This is highly suspicious,” said Attorney General Janet Reno, as she kissed Madeleine Albright good night and sent her home in a limo. “I have ordered a death watch on Mr. Bush. When Barb gets her whanger out, she’s dangerous--remember, we’re still looking for Jimmy Hoffa…and Madeline Murray O’Hare has been missing for almost 5 years....”
“That bag was sealed by the usual yellow strings which were tied with a double knot which leads me to believe that both Kenneth Starr and Robert Ray were involved,” said Ded Toright of the Justice Department. “I believe they will eventually try to tie this plot to Bill Clinton.”
Meanwhile, Barbara the Bohemian continues to travel the campaign trail. “I thought I’d never do another campaign,” said the gray-haired heartless hoyden, as she pulled down the brim of her ten-gallon hat to shield her watery blue eyes and strapped on her Texas six-shooters, a gift from Charlton Heston. “But, by God, desperate times call for desperate measures. That’s what I always told Milo over there in Yugo--he didn’t listen and you see what happened to him.”
Crowds continued to be amazed as the 75-year-old grandmother picked up a large sign that read “W stands for Women” and marched purposefully down the streets. “She is truly a star,” said her daughter-in-law Laura as she looked on. “I have loved her ever since she found me when I was doing Laredo.”
The Bush women visited a cancer center on Thursday. Proclaiming that they were opposed to cancer, the entourage handed out “Bush Bashes Cancer” pins to various groups, saying, “This is the least we can do.” They later watched as project children exhibited their ingenuity by filling condoms with water, using them for water balloons, as they merrily tried to drown one another. “I love these little brown babies,” said Laura from Laredo, as she wiped her hands after patting one child on the head and displayed the RNC campaign slogan of the week, “Bush’s Bitches Bounce Babies.”
One observer noted Thursday, in Michigan, “What we are seeing now is a different George Bush. More quiet, almost subdued. I really think Gore frightened him on Tuesday. He had that scared-puppy look in his eyes.” Upon hearing this, Barb the Bouncer said, as she patted her Texas six-shooters, “I’ll off the next guy that compares my son to a dog or a puppy…he’s always licked himself and cocked his leg when he pees.”
Some say that while George kisses his mother in public and puts his arm about her, often holding her hand when he walks with her, he is really quite afraid of her. “It’s not Gore that intimidated him,” said Karen (“Dickie”) Hughes, his girl Friday, on Thursday. “It’s really Barb. I’ve tried to protect him from ‘Mom the Mangler’ and have succeeded until now. When she had to have that back surgery three weeks ago, after she pinned Jesse Ventura for talking about George, I thought she would be out of our hair. But no such luck--here she is, the ‘Texas Terror.’”
An informant said today that Ms. Bush was flying home to Texas over the weekend. “She’s going to read the polls, study up on strategy for the coming two weeks,” he said. “She said something about taking their plane for a spin--that one they’ve been hiding there in the back 40 since 1972--the F-102 fighter plane young George flew in when he escaped from Alabama. She says old George is going sky diving.”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, her white nylon jumpsuit clinging to her voluptuous body, outlining her shapely legs and her lush thighs, her waist-length shiny black hair hanging limply in the damp air around her perfect oval face bearing the wan look, drained expression, the tear-stained cheeks, lowered her smoky dark long-lashed eyes shyly as she bit her full lower lip with her even white teeth, and tried in vain to cover her full breasts with the pert nipples, as she said, “Man ovairboard…….!!”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez attended mass today in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, sprinkled himself with holy water, confessed to himself, forgave himself, ate a wafer, and finished off a bottle of Mogen David. “I never saw anything like it,” said Pilot Bleu Skye from his Air National Guard Coast Guard plane. “He did all that while he was holding his Mickey Mouse….”
…And on the private pier at the private beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Texas Governor George Bush scans the sky as he innnnhales deeply and hollllds it and says, “Up in the sky…..it’s a man….it’s a plane….it’s…………”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Dark Clouds are gonna clear up….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Warning to Bush: Detour: There’s a bumpy road ahead….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney going down for the count….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President,
when asked if he favored affirmative action, referred to it as
“affirmative access” and then added, in explanation, “if affirmative
action means quotas, I’m against it, if it means what I’m for,
then I’m for it. Now, you heard what I was for and
you’re saying I’m against things….”
M
Answer: George-of-the-Bungle W.hoops Bush.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE FRIDAY, OCTOBER 20, 2000*****
Now is the time to make your dreams a reality. Go after what you enjoy doing--the Basketball Team.
…God Bless America and help us take our GOP toll as we get prepared to rock ‘n roll…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2000*****
M Gore Vidal doesn’t think much of the Bushes, which is not a surprise. And according to Vidal, neither did Richard Nixon, who once observed the Senior Bush as he checked his newly installed recording system in the Oval Office for bugs and donned his dark glasses. “George Bush is the sorta son of a bitch you would appoint to an office, not the kind that you would particularly want to see in the White House.” “But,” he went on, popping a pill from the Elvis’ Feelgood Midnight Pharmacy, “I admire Barbara Bush, because she knows how to hate.”
One cannot help but wonder, if Nixon were alive today, would he apply that same criterion to George W.hoops Bush? “I knew Nixon--Nixon was almost a friend of mine,” said Henry Kissinger today, as he checked his travel schedule and fed his wife Nancy an apple. “And believe me, George W.hoops Bush is another Richard Nixon.”
“I really don’t think you could classify George W.hoops as another Richard Nixon,” said Dr. Richard (“Dick”) Dingleman, psychiatrist and long-time Bush family friend who runs the “Covert Gardens” rest home just outside of Washington, D.C. “Richard Nixon, or ‘Mopey’ Dick, as we used to call him, was secretive and reluctant to discuss his failings. Mr. Bush is right out there. Everyone in the country now knows how ignorant he is. I have never seen anyone so blatantly intent on displaying their shortcomings as is Mr. Bush. I remember back in the days of his father’s administration, we had George Sr. here for awhile--of course, at that time we were disguised as an all-white country club--that is why we call it Covert Gardens--we can assume any identity at a moment’s notice. This was the elder Bush’s idea thought up by his wife--when he was head of the CIA--right now we are masquerading as a branch of The Bob Jones University. But those ‘students’ you see are not really students…those are members of the Christian Coalition and the far right. Every time there is a debate, they have a nervous collapse and our census rises. I wish this campaign could go on forever.”
While Governor George W.hoops Bush seems to be open, forthright, and friendly, many think this is just a façade. “He can get really angry when he thinks about Ann Richards saying that his dad was born with a silver foot in his mouth,” said Richard (“Dick”) Longbone, long-time acquaintance of the junior Bush. “He loves to hate just like his mom, and if he loses this election next month he will come back to Austin looking to settle some scores--I like him, but when he is wearing his concealed weapon I’m a little leery of him. And it really ain’t him I’m so scared of--it’s that damned Chief Strategist of the Chief Chief Strategists, Karl Rove.”
“That Karl is a mean son of a bitch,” said Richard (“Super Dick”) Cockher, Vice President In Charge of Eradications and long-time Bush companion. “He’s got us all keeping lists. Of every insult, no matter how small. Of every criticism, no matter how fair. Of every newsclip. Of every joke, no matter how innocent. I’m tellin’ you, I have three or four computers full of this stuff--if you think some of these third world countries are rough on dissidents, you got a surprise comin’. Who the hell do you think was teaching them their tricks? Barb Bush. She knows how to hate.”
Sources say that while many have blamed George H. W. Bush for numerous CIA activities, it was in reality Barbara Bush who was the ring leader in many instances. “She was right in there on all that planning about Noriega…the Iran/Contra--all of it,” said Richard (“Dicky”) Peephol, a secret-secret serviceman during the Sr. Bush’s Washington days--it was Barbara Bush disguised as General Norman (“Dick”) Schwartzkopf that took part in that war--but don’t tell anyone I told you this. She’s a bitch when she gets angry. Dan Quayle goes around saying he was in back of the Stud missiles? …It was Barb...designed them…and taught the army how to fire ‘em...many a time I’ve seen her with a live grenade in her teeth charging into that War Room….”
“Who do you think taught Karl Rove how to plant bugs and steal tapes and blame it on the opposition?” asked Richard (“Little Dick”) Penile, head of Bushes Are Regal Brothers or BARB. “And she was the one who found Karen Hughes for the Dubya--and the one who found Laura over there in Laredo, when she was just ‘Laura Does Laredo’--made a lady outa her. Got her outa the clinker after she had had that hit-run ‘accident’--told everyone Laura was a school librarian and got Dubya married up to her after he got back from that missing-missing year of ‘72-73--it was her that fixed his driver’s license…hid him for a whole year back in ‘72 and ‘73 when he was s’posed to be serving in the National Guard--got him his honorable discharge by threatening the entire military--hell, old Barb is in back of all this stuff…she knows where the bodies are buried. Remember all that time the Bushes spent in China when he was the ambassador there? …Who do you think negotiated all those trade deals? Barb. Remember the Jimmy Hoffa disappearance? He’s buried under that Great Wall--Barb.”
“I know there are a lotta people who blame Nancy Reagan for a lotta things,” said Richard (“Droopy Dick”) Nailem. “But it was really Barbara Bush. It was Barb disguised as Ronald Reagan who conducted a lot of those press conferences. It was Barb disguised as Fawn Hall who was down there in that White House basement room helping Oliver North shred all those papers--she is a master of disguises. She has been Rush Limbaugh for the last 3 years and you can see her as Bill O’Reilly on the Fox News Network and as Tim Russert on ‘Meet The Press,’ as Larry King on ‘Larry King, Remotely Alive,’ and as Kookie Roberts on ABC on Sunday when she is not being Sam Donaldson or George Will. Just last night she was Bob Novak on ‘Cross Fire’ and Ollie North on ‘Equal Time’--night before last, she was Chris Matthews on ‘Hard Ball’--that one was easy for her because everyone knows Chris doesn’t have any balls anyway.”
“I totally respect Barbara Bush,” said Karen (“Dickie”) Hughes, George W.hoops Bush’s girl Friday, on Wednesday after the last debate, as she paused from her spin duties outside C-Span’s online hook-up. “She has made the big difference. By teaching me how to hate, she has brought me ultimate love. We truly have a love/hate relationship. That is the lesson of the Bushes. To love, you first learn how to hate.” When asked why all the Bushes’ associates seemed to have the name ‘Richard’ or a derivative thereof, Ms. Hughes replied, “Oh, all the Bushes’ friends are Dicks.”
“I can assure you, the Republican Candidate George W.hoops Bush has nothing in his heart but love for all of America,” said the Reverend Pat Robertson, as he proceeded with the Bush/Cheney campaign plans to close every black precinct in South Carolina on the 7th day of November.
“It’s true,” said Candidate George W.hoops Bush today as he addressed a crowd in Michigan, wearing his slightly tattered robe, carrying his imitation leather rosary-entwined Ramada Inn Bible, his yarmulke tilted to the side as his rusty propeller tried vainly to spin, “I have nothing in my heart but love. When I put people to death I do so with the utmost love in my heart, knowing that they are going to a better place. I pray all the time. For example, at that press conference you’ll notice I bowed my head just before I walked up to the mike. And when I said ‘asshole’ so quietly, God allowed me to express myself in a loving way. He gave me the calm and resolute thinking I need.”
Questioned about this today, God replied, “Yes, I know. Calm? Maybe...but as for the ‘thinking,’ there is only so much even I can do….”
Note: As this article was being written, word was received that Barbara Bush is now making the rounds of the Campaign trail in Michigan. Sources say that she is very adept at disguises but will not disclose who she might be. “She is very deceptive,” said Ida No of the Barbara On Watch organization, or BOW. FBI Director Louis Freeh said today, “It would just be best to steer away from the grandmotherly types for the duration of this election. Since the Tuesday night debate, her hate knows no bounds….”
…And today, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said, as she tried to get a lifeboat loose from its mooring as her sea-dampened white nylon jumpsuit clung to her voluptuous figure, exposing the firm breasts and her hardened nipples as her shiny waist-length black hair blew in the breeze, disclosing her dark sultry long-lashed tear-dampened eyes and her full pouty lips as they parted over her even white teeth, “Queeck! Somebodeee call the 911…!!”
…And as Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez bears ever faster across the Atlantic Ocean, en route to his destination in his souped-up power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Pilot Bleu Skye of the Coast Guard National Guard reports from his plane, “He’s got his Mickey Mouse in one hand and his pouch in the other, and he’s steering with his foot, but I don’t know…it just seems like something is missing….”
…And Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush sits on the private pier of the private beach at the very private mansion of Florida Governor Jeb Bush and says to a dim stout figure in the foggy Florida mists, as he adjusts his privates in his khaki pants, “Is that you mom…?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Nothin’ but Blue Skies smilin’ at me….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush gets signals mixed….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush almost headed for home….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President said,
in Tuesday’s debate, “If affirmative action means quotas, I’m against it,
if it means what I’m for, then I’m for it.” He keeps
saying “I’m against” things.
M
Answer: Figured it out yet…? George-maybe-W.hoops Bush.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE THURSDAY, OCTOBER 19, 2000*****
Celebrating with the family is the best way to start this millenium. You can expect an interesting year--as soon as your sister has your baby you can join your mother and your father for that interesting threesome….
…God Bless America and let us proceed in this selection that’s called an election…
...as Bush stumbles and fumbles while pretending to be humble…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2000*****
M The case of the purloined videotape is far from over, but fingers are already pointing at Karl Rove, Governor George W.hoops Bush’s chief political strategist. “It is strategically clear that Mr. Rove has a Gap in his story,” said FBI spokesman Gityer Gunn, on Monday. “We talked to Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, on Saturday, and she said she would have a statement for us on Sunday, but here it is Monday and if she does not come up with something by Tuesday, we are going to move in on Wednesday and try to get something done by Thursday. I think that about covers it.”
While there is no proof that Rove or any other of the Bush campaign insiders sent the tape of Bush preparing for a debate to an ally of Al Gore’s, sources say that his conduct has been highly suspicious. “That day it happened?…” said Ima Mole, secretary to Ari Fleischer, also Chief Strategist for the Bush campaign, “…I saw Mr. Rove taking a tape from the VCR. It was just after the staff had watched ‘Debbie Does Dallas,’ the story of an entrepreneur who epitomizes the GOP ‘Get A Little, Help A Lot’ theme, which was our slogan for that week. We were working on that. Mr. Rove thought he was pretty slick, but I saw him switch tapes. He said he was going to mail the Debbie tape to the RNC so they could study it, but instead he took the Bush debate tape.”
“That’s right…I remember that,” said Onyer Knees, an assistant to Mr. Rove. “He picked up the ‘Debby Does Dallas’ tape and took it to Mr. Bush’s office. Karen was just putting the Dubya down for his nap, just finished burping him--and she said they…uh…he wanted to watch that tape so he could get a handle on things…Mr. Rove came back into the office empty-handed…picked up that other tape and left.”
“That’s where The Gap comes in,” said Mr. Gunn. “Now they say some gal mailed a package from the post office. She said she was mailing a pair of pants to The Gap. Now, you tell me if you think a tape would look like a pair of pants. There’s a hole in this story. Did they think I was just gonna let this pants thing fly by? And now we find out that we have TWO missing tapes…not just one…there’s a snag in this zipper.”
“Hell, this ain’t the first time Rove has been mixed up in something like this,” said Blacken White, a spokesman for the RNC in Washington, D.C. “Those guys in Texas are always pullin’ something like this…think they’re a buncha cowboys. Well, he ain’t a ropin’ me in. Back in October of ‘86 when Rove was workin’ for Bill Clements in the Governor’s race, he claimed he found a bug behind a pitchur of an elephant a hangin’ on the wall...had the FBI investigatin’ and took up all that time…and come to find out, old Karl had planted that bug his own self. And now we got this ‘Debby Does Dallas’ tape missin’. …Me ‘n the staff was figurin’ on studyin’ that too. ‘Ticklin’’ Trent Lott, ‘Ornery’ Henry Hyde, ‘Bouncin’ Bob Barr, ‘Lickin’ Lyndsey Graham, ‘Dandy’ Dan Burton, and the rest of the boys from the KKK…that’s the Klip Klinton Klub…were goin’ to watch that tonight…do like the Dubya wanted us to--kinda get a handle on this entrepreneur stuff.”
“I’m more concerned about the ‘Debby Does Dallas’ missing tape than I am about the Debate Tape Rape,” said Bush Campaign Manager and Chief Strategist In Charge of Strategists Joe Allbaugh. “That ‘Debby Does Dallas’ tape was more valuable to the staff. That tape contained vital secrets. I hope things come to a head soon.”
“We tried to use the tape ‘Hilda Does Houston,’” said Bush Campaign Policy Director and Chief Strategist of Strategists in Charge of Chief Strategists Josh Bolten. “But it just lacked something. Hilda just does not show the entrepreneurial spirit like Debbie. Debbie takes you around the world. There is just more meat to the story.”
“We watched ‘Freddie Does Fresno,’” said Karen Hughes, “but Freddie is just too cocky. In fact, it sucks. I wish to hell Karl had not sent that tape to Gore’s campaign. They’re saying they got the debate tape and so is the FBI, but I know they’re the ones that got Debbie. That’s the one I used when I went down…er…put George down for his nap.”
Bush Campaign Chairman Don Evans said, on Tuesday, as he checked the schedule, “With three weeks to go until the election, we may just have to resort to ‘Amy Does Amarillo’ or ‘Pansy Does Proffer’ or maybe even ‘Wendy Does Waco’--Karl has really put a screw on things.”
Although no suspects have been named, the FBI, which is investigating the matter, said today that it has told several media outlets that it believes the tapes were sent by someone inside the Bush camp, to entrap the Gore campaign, but that even they did not know that two tapes were missing until late last week. “We know that the debate tape was stolen and sent to the Gore people,” said Mr. Gunn. “They reported that, but they never told us about receiving the ‘Debbie Does Dallas.’ We have the debate tape, but we want to get our hands on Debbie.”
“We are thinking of conducting a Congressional Investigation,” said Chief Strategist In Charge of Congressional Investigations Dandy Dan (“The Nose”) Burton, R-Ind. “We are not really interested in the debate tape--no one is paying any attention to what Bush has to say anyway. All he has to do from here on out is wave a flag, call Al Gore a liar, and talk in a husky voice like Reagan, and he’s a shoo-in…but we are determined to find out what happened to Debbie. I am going to launch an investigation to end all investigations. This tape is vital to our campaign. It is the story of a small-town girl and how she makes it in the big city. It is every Republican’s story.”
Special Prosecutor Robert Ray said today, as he left Ken Starr’s office with a fresh supply of government-issue brown opaque trash bags, “We will comb this city until we find Debbie and I don’t think we’ll have to look much farther than the White House. But, for now, I may have a solution for the Bush people. I have just spoken to Linda Tripp who spoke to Kathleen Willey who contacted Gennifer Flowers who contacted Paula Jones who contacted John McCain who said he would loan the campaign his tape of ‘Paula Does Phoenix.’ If that fails, maybe we could get them a copy of ‘Laura Does Laredo,’ the story of a school librarian who, through her Republican enterprise, becomes the first lady of Texas.”
But Dandy Dan Burton said, “I appreciate Mr. Ray’s diligence in this matter, but I have already laid this matter directly at the feet of Bill Clinton. I know he was at Al Gore’s headquarters when the tapes arrived. He was disguised as a mail clerk and pretended to be sorting the mail and took the Debbie tape. My committee comprised of Henry Hyde, Asa Hutchinson, Lyndsey Graham, Bob Barr, Mary Bono, and our newest member, Jungle Jim Traficant, D-Ohio, have subpoenaed every woman by the name of Debbie to a Congressional Hearing. Somewhere out there is a Debbie with Bill Clinton’s fingerprints. I intend to finger her.”
…And ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana stands on the deck of the Good Ship RNC, as the wind tosses her waist-length shiny black hair back from her perfect oval face as she scans the horizon with her smoky dark long-lashed eyes and bites her full lower lip displaying a dimple as she tries to snuggle deep into the white nylon jumpsuit outlining her lush figure as her full breasts bulge from the restraint and her nipples become taut in the cool air, and says, “Eef Hi ham my fathair’s ex seestair and hees fathair ees my brothair and hees brothair ees my oncle, and hees mothair ees my seestair, and hee ees a governor, then whyy thee hell ham Hi on thees damned boat? An’ why doesss he wont to know my birt’day? Wot ees so eemportant about 1972? And whyy do hi have thees damned deemple een my hass?”
…And as Littlest Saint Alien, clutching his Mickey Mouse and his pouch, bears down for the final legs of his journey in his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire as he speeds across the Atlantic Ocean, shouting into the winds “Hi teenk hi got eeeet…,” Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush sits on the private beach on the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush’s private Governor’s mansion and says as he wipes the powder from his nose and fondles his privates, “I hope they don’t find that tape, ‘George Does Cocaine’….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Winds picking up as pressure builds….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Gore preparing to pass…all signals go….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
GOP continues to hit below belt….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate’s Chief Strategist, Karl Rove,
who claims that a Bush tape was stolen, formerly worked with Lee Atwater,
using attack ads and dirty tricks in yet another
Bush Presidential campaign?
M
Answer: George-Does-Galveston-Bush…W.hoops!!!
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 18, 2000*****
Spontaneity and sex don’t mix well together this year. This means you will have to give up your corner and get another job.
…God Bless America and let Americans not buy George W’s pitch of “higher” pie…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2000*****
M Just hours before the first Presidential debate, Republican National Committee Chairman Jim Nicholson fired off an email urging thousands of potential voters--through a mail list from the GOP’s e-champions.com--to flood internet news sites and load up the online ballots with votes for the Republican Candidate, George W.hoops Bush.
“We were merely exercising our rights as voters in this election year, to make sure our Candidate was well represented when the polls came out the next morning,” said Mr. Nicholson as he watched Pat Robertson’s PTL. “We knew that the lying, conniving, fornicating, Godless, thieving Democrats were going to rig the results, but ours was an honest effort to get the truth to the electorate.”
“CNN favored Bush, 64 percent to 36 percent for Gore, in an online survey,” said Tucker Carlson, as he checked his just-renewed contract, refreshed his mascara, and blow-dried his hair. “But I think that was an honest opinion. I don’t think the Republicans would ever deliberately tamper with poll results.”
“ABC found that Bush, with his deliberate style and forceful personality plus the knowledge that he portrayed, was the winner by a 58 percent to 41 percent margin in our online scan,” said Kookie Roberts, as she looked over her latest Halliburton stock options. “I know that the GOP had nothing to do with this result. They are the party of the Christian Coalition and would never stoop to such tactics.”
“FOX network picked up an overwhelming feeling for Bush,” said Bill O’Reilly, as he checked his tickets to the Super Bowl Game and his reservation for a week in Tahiti, paid for by the RNC. “I believe it was something like 75 percent to 25 or something in that range. Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, told me on Tuesday that he was going to win on Wednesday and I’m sure she would never rig anything. She is Bush’s closest companion and everyone knows that Bush is a Christian and would not take part in anything that had the slightest trace of wrongdoing.”
“MSNBC polls said that Bush was the one that voters would most like to see in the White House,” said Oliver North, as he shredded the latest communique from the RNC and checked his files for any traces of evidence. “We are a God-fearing party and know that He is on our side. We will bring that fornicator Clinton and his party to its knees. God Bless America and every fighting man in the United States and Texas.”
While scientific polls showed Gore won the debate when 491 registered voters found Gore was seen as the winner by 42 percent to Bush’s 39 percent, the media reported all week that Bush was indeed out in front.
“I was surprised that they would try to stack the deck like that,” said Rick Hess, a Democratic National spokesman. “I think it shows lack of confidence in their own Candidate.”
“Not at all,” said Ari Fleischer, Bush campaign spokesman, as he prepared the nets for yet another round of voting for tonight’s big show. “We are just trying to showcase our Candidate. Let the voters know his potential. This is a man who is just coming in to his own--is finally getting his legs--knows where he is going--he is a Ronald Reagan kind of candidate--he will delegate responsibility…surround himself with the most talent and let them take over before they are indicted, while he takes naps so he can properly represent the U.S. in numerous photo ops as a well-rested Chief Executive. You can just gaze into our Candidate’s eyes and know that he is truly the 2nd Reagan.”
“His lessons at the Ronald Reagan School of Acting have been a good investment,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, on Tuesday. “If you will notice, since the Yemen incident when our ship was rammed and the sailors lives were lost, he has lowered his voice to a hush, a Reaganesque way of speaking, calling for a prayer for the deceased service men’s/women’s souls and never failing to remind people that Jesus Christ is his personal saviour, while reassuring the Armed Forces that a Bush Administration would never have allowed an incident like this to happen…his service to his country ranks right up there with Reagan…Reagan’s WWII record when he served his country so proudly in the European Theatre of War at Paramount Studios in Hollywood and Bush’s National Guard Record where he defended Montgomery, Alabama, from the Vietnamese for about 17 days.”
“We are really enthused about tonight’s debate,” said Karl Rove, his hands thrust deeply into the pockets of his khaki pants. “We are sure that our Candidate has closed the Gap. You see, George appears to be dumb, slow-witted, but that is just a façade--in reality, he is quick to learn. Of course, those Ronald Reagan tapes we have him listen to while he is sleeping have helped some. We started that back in ‘98.”
“I have checked into this charge by the Democrats that the RNC rigged the polls and I find that to be untrue,” said Congressman James Traficant, D-Ohio, today, as he was putting a new shine on House Speaker Dennis Hastert’s shoes. “The members of my party are not to be trusted--they are fornicators and liars. As soon as my cousin and I return from our honeymoon, I am thinking of changing my party affiliation.” Congressman Traficant has been an outspoken critic of the Administration, and sources say that his housetrailer now has a Bush-for-President sign displayed in the tire planter in the front yard.
Candidate Bush appeared before the TV cameras this morning, his robe newly laundered to eliminate the mud stains, his Roman sandals shined to obliterate the scuff marks where he had stubbed his toes, holding his rosary-entwined imitation leather-bound Ramada Inn Bible, his yarmulke with the newly oiled spinning propeller perched jauntily on his head, and said in a hushed reverent voice into a “dead” microphone, “Ahm gonna lick that son of a bitch, kick a little ass, and show that asshole a thing or two big time, Texas style, or Jesus Christ ain’t my personal saviour….”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said today, as she tied her long shiny locks back from her perfect oval face and brushed mascara onto her long lashes that framed her dark sultry eyes, as she dimpled displaying her perfect white teeth and thrust her full red lips in a pretty pout, while looking at herself in the full-length mirror that displayed her perfect figure in the white nylon jumpsuit that revealed the full breasts and the pert nipples as they strained against the sheer fabric, “…Eef my fathair ees my fathair and Hi wass a seestair…then who ees my grandfathair? Ham Hi my own cussin? Or my own aunt? …And who ees my godfathair? And who ees Henhayral Turneepseed? …And what een thee hell ees a Geeligan?”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, fearlessly steering his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire and still determinedly clutching his Mickey Mouse and his pouch and shouting “I’m commeeng,” draws ever closer to the privatized beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush where Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush sits on the private pier as he gropes his privates and says as he stares into the distance, “If my sister is my daughter, and my daughter is her aunt and my cousin is my sister, maybe my dad DID have an affair with Oliver North.…”
To be continued....
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Pressure still building….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Gore in passing lane….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney GOP designated shitters….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M What Republican Candidate for President bragged in last week’s debate that in Texas he was signing up children for the Children’s Health Insurance Program (CHIP) as “fast as any other state,” when the fact is, as governor, he has fought unsuccessfully to limit access to the program? M
Answer: George W.hoops I-cannot-tell-a-lie Bush.
* * * * *
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE TUESDAY, OCTOBER 17, 2000*****
Health and fitness are on your mind and you are ready to find a “new you.” Your picture is in the post office…turn the “new you” in and collect $5000.00….
…God Bless America and let the games begin…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2000*****
M Vice President Al Gore is attacking what he views as the soft underbelly of George W.hoops Bush by intensifying criticism of the Governor’s record in Texas. Wednesday night, Gore went after the Bush man from Texas time and time again. “You have the smoggiest city in the nation embodied in Houston,” said Gore.
“Wall now, I ain’t so sure that Houston is in Texas,” said Bush, getting out his triple A map. “This here map was made ‘specially for me, drawn up by the AA just today,” he went on…poised...on his toes...eager to engage this great debater, Gore...to cut him down to his level. “This map shows Houston maybe being in Texas and maybe not being in Texas...it’s all according to how you look at it. The people of Texas are proud. And some days, Houston wants to be in Texas and then some days it don’t…. The day you are talking about--the day it was the smoggiest, Houston wasn’t even in Texas.…”
“This is just another example of how my opponent twists things to his advantage,” said Gore, humbly bowing his head. “But I agree with you…I will not argue that point. If you say Houston was not in Texas that day, then it wasn’t. I apologize for any false impression I may have given to the American people….”
“Mr. Bush,” asked Jim Leherererererer, “can you tell me the name of the Yugoslav President that was just defeated in the elections and would not step down because he is a son of a bitch? His name begins with ‘M’ and ends with ‘c’.”
“I certainly can, Mr. Interlocutor,” said Candidate Bush, his eyes feverish now, sensing that he was winning this one-on-one with the master of debates. “It is Mickoslovockneesovic. And his wife’s name is Brenda.”
“Uh…Mr. Leherererererer,” said Mr. Gore, his face reddening with frustration. “Far be it from me to correct Mr. Bush on his pronunciation, but.…”
“Are you saying that Mr. Bush is wrong in his answer?” asked Jim Leherererererer of PBS. “Is that what you have the unmitigated gall to insinuate? That this man before you does not know the name of the Yugoslavian bastard who was recently defeated in the elections?”
“Uh…I was merely….trying to point out…uh....”
“Let’s go on to the next question,” said Mr. Leherererererer. “We’ll get back to YOU in a minute, Sir.”
…And so it went. As Mr. Gore tried vainly to hold his ground as he debated both Jim Leherererererer and George W.hoops Bush, he was being assessed by the media, who the next day would report that Gore had stuck to the truth with some difficulty and that George W.hoops Bush, merely by seeming to be congenial and not mispronouncing words, had won a debate that might determine the future of the United States.
“I think that George W.hoops Bush is personable and more lickable than Mr. Gore,” said Kookie Roberts in an ABC program, “Picking the Prez.” “The way he pats his hair, and kind of steps back and looks at the audience…puts his hands down inside his trousers and hitches them up is reminiscent of John Wayne in the movie ‘Angel and The Badman,’ and you know and I know who is the Angel in this scenario and who is the Badman,” she said, as she casually held up a picture of Vice President Gore wearing a set of horns.
“I think that Bush is definitely gaining momentum,” said Tim Russert to Brian Lamb, as he was interviewed on C-Span the day after the debate. “When I was sucking up to Don Imus on his show the other day, we were discussing that since the people have found out that Gore is such a liar they are gravitating to Bush who, by pronouncing some names correctly, has definitely proven that he can be a world leader as long as he has Cheney and Colin Powell telling him what to say. I’m telling you, George W. Bush is displaying that he knows as much about foreign policy or maybe more than Al Gore. I think he was merely nervous in the previous debate. He’s got his legs now and we are seeing that he is really quite knowledgeable. I know we have this story of the AWOL thing back in the days of ‘Nam, but that’s an old story…34 years ago…who the hell cares about that now?”
“I know,” said Lamb, host of the impartial network that speaks for the people. “Just who is even thinking about that, in view of this new dynamic personality that has suddenly been revealed to the electorate?”
“I think, by appearing to know some names of foreign leaders and the names of some countries, he has just got himself elected to the Presidency,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, on Saturday. “He rattled those names off those cue cards that Colin Powell was holding up from the front row, right on cue. I am very proud of him. We may let him start staying up till ten o’clock.”
Indeed, Republican strategist Karl Rove said today, as he was coming back from mailing another package to The Gap, “We had this planned from the start. We knew we couldn’t get to them on the economy, and in a time of peace, so we thought we would take off on Gore’s character…you know, start that bullshit about him inventing the internet and the ‘Love Story’ bit and that Love Canal thing…and the media just picked up on it and carried the ball for us. Hell, we’ve made a touchdown here…winning this fucking ball game. The media is working for us like a charm. The networks are a better propaganda machine than Goebbels had for the Nazis in WWII.”
“Ach tung,” said Bill O’Riley, Rush Limbaugh, Oliver North, Michael Reagan, Larry King, Sam Donaldson, Cokie Roberts, and other members of the press as they snapped their heels together and saluted the GOP. “People have suffered too long from Clinton-fatigue and the lies of the left-wing press,” said Bob Novak, as he kissed George W.hoops Bush’s ass. “Save some for me,” said Bill Kristol, right-wing crusader and former roommate of Alan Keyes, on CNN Monday morning. “I do not want to influence anyone’s vote. I am totally impartial and nonpartisan in this election. But I want the people to know that I hope they would follow my example. I cast my absentee ballot for Bush last Wednesday...a word to the wise, you know....”
“All we have to do is keep using mockery to question Gore’s veracity…just pound on that...keep hitting him with it,” said Ari Fleischer, chief Bush campaign strategist when interviewed Friday night on Ted Koppel’s “Nightline.” “I can hardly remember when it wasn’t on our radar screen that Al Gore had a tendency to exaggerate. Hell, he’s been telling those whoppers for over a 100 years now. I’ll bet I’ve heard him tell that ‘Love Story’ thing over a thousand times, and then when he sighed over 50 times at that first debate, we hit him with that and it has just been downhill for him ever since.”
“I told them that if you told people things enough times they’d begin to believe it,” said George H. W. Bush, interviewed as he was inspecting his parachute for the right string to pull as he embarked on yet another diving expedition. “That’s the old tried-and-true method I used on Dukakis. Tell a few half-truths, throw in the American Flag, a little pro life and some capital punishment...hell, the American people are suckers. Like pigs at a trough.”
“We always knew that we’d lose if we focused on issues that mattered in people’s lives, so we just go for the things that appeal to those nuts out there and let the media do the rest,” said Uri Nate, official with the Go Republicans And Ballot or GRAB. “So, if Gore says something is black, we say it is white--yuh know wotta mean?”
“Americans want to feel an intimacy with the President of the United States,” said Speck U. Late, spokesman for People United or PU. “And with George Bush, there is just an indescribable something. He has personality, that little grin, the way his eyes light up when he speaks of capital punishment, building boot camps for teenagers, lowering the death penalty to 16, and prosecuting 14-year-olds as adults--the way he slurs his words, the way he wears his hats, the way he sips his tea.…”
...And on board the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana finished making her bed in the cabin below deck and brushed her long shiny dark locks back from the perfect oval face, her dark feverish long-lashed eyes sweeping the room for signs of disorder, as she zipped herself into her white nylon jumpsuit, almost catching one of the pert nipples of her full breasts in the process, and said, “Ee iss rrright…eet ees my fault...I zeeged wen I shood hhhave zaggged…forgeev me fathair….”
…And in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire driven by Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, all is well, as he surveys the Pacific Ocean and clutches his Mickey Mouse and his pouch, and says, “Hold on…H’im commennng….”
…And Texas George W.hoops Bush sits fondling his privates on the private pier of the private beach owned by Governor Jeb Bush of Florida, and says...“How could my sister be my daughter?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Frontal pressure with high humility….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney keeping to far right….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Lehrer practicing his pitch.…
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate brags about
his environmental accomplishments when the fact is he has done nothing
unless pressured by the federal government?
M
Answer: I-Can-See-Clearly-Now-Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, OCTOBER 16, 2000*****
Today, try to limit your diet to things you can digest. This means you cannot get off your knees.
…God Bless America and let the voters open their eyes to the GOP-media lies…SAG
Sagmeister News October 1-15, 2000
Sagmeister News September 16-30, 2000
Sagmeister News September 1-15, 2000