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******* Gore 2000! *******
*****SAGMEISTER’S NEWS ~~ OCTOBER 2000*****
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 15, 2000
Ladies and Gentlemen, and a good mornin’ to yuh....
We are gathered here today, this third Sunday in October to honor each other,
brothers and sisters…amen....
We all know that we come here to honor GOD and them tenements in the BIBLE...
Amen an’ halleluiah,
but do yew ever stop to think, that if ‘n it’s TRUE, amen,
that WE, amen, are made in HIS image,
Amen and halleluiah,
then we are also ahonorin’ US,
Amen an’ halleluiah….
and that means we is ahonorin’ OURSELVES, amen,
and ONE T’OTHER…
Amen and halleluiah….
Now I know that there ain’t much o’ that abein’ done, amen,
not in this here POLITICAL season,
Amen and halleluiah….
but WE GOT TO DO HIT,
Amen and halleluiah…
We got those fellers out there that ain’t ahonorin’ US, amen,
they’s just intersted in ahonorin’ THEMSELVES…
just alookin’ out fer THEMSELVES…
atellin’ us how they’re gonna make things RIGHT fer us…
when they don’ intend to do nothin’ of the kind…
atellin’ US that they’ll make it HEAVEN on earth fer us…
an’ YOU know THEY don’t mean it, amen,
atellin’ us that all we have to do is VOTE fer THEM, amen,
and life will be all ROSY and SUBLIME…
Amen and halleluiah….
BUT HIT AIN’T AGONNA HAPPEN...
Amen and halleluiah….
Do you think them fellers is REALLY agonna make yore old age better?
Amen and halleluiah ....
Do you think them fellers is really gonna make sure you have
HEALTH CARE and decent WAGES and JOBS and FOOD ON THE TABLE,
Amen and halleluiah,
Well, they AIN’T…. ...wake up to it…wipe that SLEEP out’n yore eyes…
quit nappin’…LOOK AROUND YUH…
Amen and halleluiah….
Ast yoreself, how many times have you heard that?…Amen…
How many times have you voted?
Amen and halleluiah…
And when them REPUBLICANS got in there did you ever have it better?
…they’s a tellin’ you, hit’s time fer a CHANGE....
Whut do yuh want a CHANGE FROM?
EATIN’? FREEDOM OF RELIGION? FREEDOM OF CHOICE OF SCHOOLS?
Amen and halleluiah....
FREEDOM FOR WOMEN TO CONTROL THEIR OWN BODIES? Amen,
FREEDOM OF SPEECH? Amen,
LIFE AS YOU KNOW IT?…
Amen and halleluiah….
BEFORE you let these high talkers, these manure spreaders, INNUNDATE you
with all this talk about CHANGE, use yore brain…
THINK ABOUT IT… …HONOR YORESELVES….
…THESE ARE BIG BUSINESS MEN…
and…
IF YOU LET ‘EM
THEY’LL GIVE
YOU
THE BUSINESS…
Just...think about it….
…Amen and Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
~MATTEFFECT~
~Message Board~
the matte effect;
an impure mixture of sulfides and copper producing a flat finish.
in the cinema, a trick of forced perspective
creating the illusion of great size or scope.
in the political parlence
it has,
so far,
explained bush's lead in the polls.
...matt
Bruno's Political Mayhem!!
~~Message Board~~
This Lick Bush
Webring
site is owned by
SAG. Want to join the The Lick Bush Webring? |
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GORE WENT TO 'NAM; BUSH WENT AWOL!
you'll wanna check this one out!
WHO POISONED THE WHITE RIVER, INDIANA?
"REDEMPTION" ~~ an online novel in progress
Gore Went to 'Nam - Bush went AWOL
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2000
WASHINGTON, DC: An American Navy destroyer, refueling in Yemen, was rocked by an enormous explosion in what appeared to be a terrorist attack on Thursday. As many as 7 were killed and 11 are missing. Those who were injured were said to be suffering from severe burns. The well-known military expert Dan Quayle addressed the people of Indiana direct from Republican Headquarters in Indianapolis, late Thursday night, saying, “While I do not think this incident should be politicized, if we in America do not want more of these incidents occurring we must elect the Bush/Cheney team. I have studied the Mid East situation for several years and consider myself somewhat an expert in these matters. It is apparent that the Clinton/Gore Administration is to blame for this tragedy. Had they not told them to park that big boat next to that little boat, the little boat could not have rammed our big boat. This is serious. This is not small potatoes.”
WINSTON SALEM, NC: Wednesday evening, Republican Candidate George W.hoops Bush and Democratic Candidate Al Gore engaged in their second debate. Gore proved himself to be knowledgeable regarding the law in Texas and chastised Bush on his Texas record as Governor. When challenged on the hate crime law, Bush said, as he licked his lips and his eyes lit up, “We are putting those men to death that killed that Byrd. All three of ‘em.” When told later that there were only two men sentenced to death, Bush said, “Hell, I’ll fix that. Get me another one.”
It is rumored that Iowa farmer Martin Heldt, who uncovered Mr. Bush’s AWOL non-records, has been advised to go into hiding.
WINSTON SALEM, NC: The confidence seemed to exceed the traditional post-debate spin. About an hour after the debate ended, an ABC News producer overheard Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, speaking on the telephone to another aide who was with Mr. Bush, about the instant polls. “Tell him that he just became President of the United States,” Ms. Hughes instructed the aide. Later when questioned, Ms. Hughes said, “He was marvelous. He pronounced all those names and places without one error. It really makes a difference when we get him down for his nap. All that memorizing he learned at the Ronald Reagan School of Acting has stood him in good stead. He’s come a long way since he said, ‘The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas,’ to that Slovak journalist last fall in ‘99.”
“I don’t believe that was really George Bush,” said Doug Hattaway, campaign strategist for Gore. “I think that was Lynne Cheney disguised as George Bush. The aggressive way she tackled the questions gave her away.”
Ms. Cheney denies this, saying “I can’t be in two places at once. I was appearing as Dick at a fundraiser for Bob Barr in Georgia.” Rumors have it that Congressman Barr is having a difficult time in his district and faces stiff competition. “I’m afraid his number may be up,” said his campaign manager, Whitey Sheet. “I just don’t like the complexion of things.”
PITTSBURGH, PA: Accusing Al Gore of making “fear, division, and misrepresentation” the hallmarks of his campaign, Bush was ebullient after Wednesday’s debate. “He thinks he is scarin’ me, but I ain’t a scared of nothin’,” said Bush, his robe flapping in the breeze, his hand clasping his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible, his yarmulke with the spinning propeller perched cockily on his head. “It’s time we stopped the politics of fear and division. I am your leader, follow me. Join hands…now---put your left foot in--take your left foot out--do the hokey-pokey and turn yourself about--”
“That’s what George Bush is really all about,” said a Gore strategist today, “the hokey-pokey.”
AUSTIN, TX: Ari Fleischer, Bush campaign strategist, said today that the new Republican slogan, “Kiss A Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass,” has helped them tremendously. “Before we adopted this new format, it was mostly white American males that were supporting us, but these gals like this new aggressive approach. Since the Bushes have started kissing all over the United States we have seen our numbers soar.”
“It’s true,” said Ima Hoor, well-known entrepreneur who travels with the Bush staff. “Since he took my advice, his pole has risen daily. Before, the staff was just about half, but now it is at full strength. I have noticed a tremendous difference in him since he has gotten the lay of the land.”
Sources say that Mr. Bush and his contingent will be touring Michigan, Ohio, and Illinois in an effort to solidify those states. “We are not only kissing women, but men as well,” said George W.hoops today. “We will leave no man’s behind.” When told that the slogan was “Leave No Child Behind,” he said, “a guy’s gotta do wot a guy’s gotta do.”
WASHINGTON, DC: Richard Cheney said today that education was the top priority of the Bush/Cheney ticket. “We intend to see that every child has an education, knows how to read by the age of 4 and do math by the age of 5,” said the Republican Vice Presidential Candidate. “The fact that I have never voted in a school board election, never attended a PTA meeting, and in reality hate the little bastards has nothing to do with my running for office--it’s like George says, ‘a guy’s gotta do wot a guy’s gotta do….’”
ERIE, PA: Saying that “Mr. Gore represents the party of Franklin Delano Roosevelt, but all he has to offer is fear itself,” George Bush, trying desperately to get a laugh, criticized the Democratic Candidate Thursday. In reply, Mr. Gore said, “Indeed, I am afraid of the Bush/Cheney team and the way they would govern the country. They would appoint Supreme Court judges who would rule against our personal freedoms, they would take away a woman’s right to choose, they would hold sway over our religious practices, they would tear away at our very foundations of freedom.”
An independent journalist, Martin Heldt of Iowa, gave the nation something else to fear when he uncovered the facts surrounding Mr. Bush’s military record during the Vietnam era. Given the truth that the Republican Candidate’s nonservice and the details revealed are now public knowledge, due to Mr. Heldt’s tireless investigation and the efforts of equal minded people on the internet, why is it that a supposedly free press has sought to squelch this story? Why is it that the military in the personages of Colin Powell and other supposed heroes has deliberately evaded this issue?
In the light of the incident in Yemen, will more pressure be brought to bear on this disturbing story and the facts be headlined so all America can know how they are being duped by the Bush/Cheney team--to wit--a Republican Presidential Candidate who evaded service for over a year, skipped physical exams for fear of revealing his drug habit, and still was granted an honorable discharge when other men his age were dying in Vietnam, and a Republican Vice Presidential Candidate who through strings was able to secure four deferments because he had “other priorities”?
George W.hoops had this to say, “We let our friends be peacemakers. We’ll be the pacemakers. I think we can agree that the past is over. I am certain that there are madmen in this world and there’s terriers and terriersts, and there is missiles and I’m certain of this, too, I’m going to maintain the peace if it takes every minority and every poor white there are to fight this war, and I am going to have a military of high morale and not like this menstruation where the morality is low. I intend for everyone to be high.…”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana stomped her delicate four-inch-heel-shod foot in disdain today and tossed her shiny waist-length black hair back from her perfect face, glared at her visitor, her dark long-lashed eyes sparkling with anger, her bosoms heaving with emotion, her nipples straining against the confines of her white nylon jumpsuit, as she asked, “Who een the helll eesss Oncle Sam?”
…And Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye said today from his plane, where he is monitoring the progress of Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, “He has just confessed to himself, and is now saying his rosary while holding his Mickey Mouse and clutching his pouch. I can almost read his lips…something about no new Texas….”
…And on the private pier on the private beach of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Governor George Bush of Texas sits privately on his privates, looking at sea, sniffing something white through a straw, and says dreamily to himself, “Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Heating up in the East….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney traveling in gutter….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney team off sides….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidates for President and Vice President of the
United States are in bed with the oil-producing countries of the Middle East and stand to make
a hell of a lot of money if war breaks out?
M
Answer: George W.hoops Bush and Richard Cheney. Roll over, darlings….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 14, 2000*****
Focus on current priorities but don’t expect to make strides forward. People tend to want to give you a break--like your legs and arms.
…God Bless America and help us keep our eyes on that White House-Senate prize…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2000*****
M Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush and Vice President Gore came to Wednesday night’s debate with clear goals in mind. “He wanted to avoid being characterized by the Republican News Network of CBS, NBC, Fox, MSNBC as the liar he isn’t,” said Doug Hattaway, Gore campaign strategist. “During the past week he has been pounded by these sons of bitches.” After the first debate in which Bush looked like he was scared shitless the whole time, Bob Schieffer of CBS said, ‘Clearly tonight, if anyone gained from this debate it was George Bush. He seemed to have as much of a grasp of issues as did Gore.’ The key word there is ‘seemed.’ Bush may ‘seem’ to know something when he, in all actuality, doesn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground. He was unfamiliar with his own key plan, misstated his own proposals, accused Gore of using phony numbers and scaring people with his little crack about ‘mediscare’ when Gore has been correct on all counts. When in the hell did the American people vote against a guy because he was well informed? Why would they hold it against Al Gore because he is Presidential? Who in the hell does the media think they are? Let’s vote on that.”
Sources say that Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, was heard saying Wednesday night after the debate, as she was taking her Prozac and gulping her usual after-debate 7-7, “Whew! Karl Rove and I drilled him and drilled him on that foreign affairs stuff. Finally we made it into a little Dr. Seuss poem…. ‘How on earth can we put a stop to all the Palenstinian glop? We’ll meet with them and try not to fumble, as we present ourselves as humble…We’ll show them that we have some heart, and maybe they will not start another war as they have in the past and then we can tell them to kiss our ass.…’ We recited that to him everyday when we put him down for his nap. I think it finally sank in about yesterday noon. My God! I’m glad that’s over.”
C-Span queried voters, on their open lines segment on Thursday morning, as to their preference in the upcoming election. Dulle Witte of North Carolina called in to say that he was going to vote for Bush because he was “an humble man.” “This is a trillionaire who has accepted his lot in life very humbly. Just an average man who happens to own six homes, airplanes, yachts, ranches, oil stocks, is the son of an ex-President and director of the CIA who has connections all over the world, was exempted from the Vietnam war because he was patriotically working on a Congressional Campaign for Winton Blount, one of his father’s friends, a small business man, an All American kinda guy who owned a baseball team--Christ, he is so average and humble he makes the homeless look elite.”
Ms. Ima Foole of Austin, Texas, said, “I particularly liked Mr. Bush’s Social Security plans and the way he broke down the numbers. His idea to give ¼ of the money to the rich, ¼ of the money to the elderly, ¼ of the money to the schools, ¼ of the money to the middle class, and ¼ of the money to the poor struck me as extremely fair. I don’t know who Gore is trying to fool when he says those numbers do not add up.”
“George Bush is full of shit,” said Paul Begala, Gore campaign adviser. “His tax proposals add up to $474 billion. He describes the size of his tax cut as $1.3 trillion. Though his tax cut is triple the size of new spending, he’s telling the public that they are equal in size. Nobody calls him on that but Gore, and then the media says he is lying.”
As the comments continue to fly back and forth in the respective camps, one thing for certain is that the race is even. “The race is NOT even,” said Bottome Dollaire, spokesman for Bush Loves Anyone Handy or BLAH. “Bush is leading. How could anyone turn down this regular guy? This humble man who has a good heart and will leave no child behind? Who proposes new legislation that will make a 14-year-old eligible to be tried in court as an adult? Who wants to set up boot camps for teenagers to show them how much we love them? Who wants the authority to execute 16-year-olds as punishment for capital crimes? Who wants to upgrade the military so that other people can serve? How can anyone question him when he says he is compassionate? This is a man with a conscience, a compassionate conservative, a man with a plan, a blueprint for America. He is for real people.”
“I’ll say the race is not even,” said Inda Knowe, a Gore supporter. “It is evident that the media is supporting Bush. Jim Lehrer would not let Gore elaborate on anything…cut him off…said he’d get back to him and then didn’t. Gore had Bush pinned on domestic issues, such as Bush’s record in Texas on providing health care for women and children, education, environment, and hate crime legislation. Bush was reeling like a drunken sailor when it came to those issues. He doesn’t have a leg to stand on. I am sick of the press trying to cut Gore down to make George Bush appear to be something he isn’t. This is a duplicit man. I don’t think George Bush is dumb. I think the people who swallow his line are dumb.”
Congressman Dan Burton, R-Ind., said today, “I didn’t watch the debate. I was too busy working on the Cross Caper. I now have absolute proof of the Crime of the Century, the stealing of crosses from the graves at Arlington National Cemetery. Trent Lott, disguised as a cheerleader, went to a Washington Red Skins game, where he met Tim Russert who was disguised as the coach. While Tim was holding Trent’s pom-poms, Trent infiltrated the dugout and found Al Gore, disguised as the quarterback, letting the air out of the Red Skins football, which would have resulted in their defeat had not Bob Barr and Mary Bono, disguised as goalposts, discovered this--this would have caused a riot in the stadium which would have led to Colin Powell, who was sitting in the stands with Oliver North, having to call out the army to put down the uproar which would have led to the death of General Schwartzkopf who was sitting in the stands with Barbara Walters who was disguised as George Will. A military funeral would have been held for General Schwartzkopf, with burial in Arlington National Cemetery, with Bill Clinton presiding over the services, and yet another cross would have been put in place. Just think how much they could have gotten for that one cross alone. These people are unrelentless in their money-hungry efforts. The American people can thank George Bush for stopping this diabolical plan. He was scheduled to ride the riderless horse in the funeral procession.”
When asked if this theory was indeed true, Candidate Bush, his propeller spinning wildly, his robe flapping in the breeze revealing the bare facts, said, while clutching his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible, “I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can’t answer your question.”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, her black waist-length hair atumble, almost covering her dark smoldering half-closed long-lashed eyes, the dimple playing in and out of her perfect cheek as she turned to face her visitor, clad in her white nylon jumpsuit which outlined her voluptuous figure with her firm breasts struggling to be free as her pert nipples pressed against the fabric, said, “Wot do you meeen, eet’s hall een theee familee?”
…And Pilot Bleu Skye of the Coast Guard, who is monitoring the voyage of Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez in the power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, said today, “He has found his Mickey Mouse, is clutching his pouch, and everything looks secure. It’s like George Bush said when he addressed them Navy guys--this sailor is one brave little soldier.”
…And on the private pier of the private beach at Florida Governor Jeb Bush’s private estate, Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush sits privately, as he scratches his privates, innnnhales from a funny cigarette, and says to himself, “Let’s see….1972 to 1973…them are fuzzy numbers.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
The heat is on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush getting refueled….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney digging out….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President has called
the Vice President of the United States “a serial liar” when he himself
continually lies about his record as Governor of Texas,
his National Guard non-duty, and misleads the American people with his
“humility”-average-guy-man-on-the-street façade when he is a rich
son of a bitch who is out to scam the voter?
M
Answer: George W.hoops Bush who is, in reality, just a good natured drunk…hic!
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE FRIDAY, OCTOBER 13, 2000*****
Zip up your pants, wash your hands. This is not what your counselor meant when she said for you to love yourself….
…God Bless America and let's help the Demos take their toll as we get ready to rock and roll…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2000*****
M Many viewers of the Vice Presidential debate held last Thursday have arrived at the conclusion that the Presidential nominees should have been reversed, i.e., that it should be Lieberman/Gore and Cheney/Bush. “I just loved Dick Cheney,” said Ima Droolin, an independent voter from Indianapolis, Indiana, as she wiped her damp chin. “I never realized that he is so grandfatherly, so cuddly, so warm.” Many voters have that same impression of the kindly looking white-haired former CEO of Halliburton Oil and ex-Secretary of Defense in the George H. W. Bush Administration.
“He is for the little man,” gushed Feebal Mind, of Boca Raton, Florida. “He talks like I think.”
When asked if they knew that under the guidance of Richard Cheney, who is a get-your-government-out-of-my-face conservative, Halliburton Oil grew into a corporate welfare hog, and benefited from at least $3.8 billion in federal contracts and taxpayer-insured loans, the voters all said “yes” but that he seems more trustworthy. “If he could get the government to do that for Halliburton Oil, just think of what he could do for us,” said Howsum Ever, a former Democrat-turned-Republican. “I’m tired of immorality in the White House. I’m tired of all the “Gates” like Travel Gate and Water Gate and all that stuff. I want someone in there who’ll stand up for this country and all that it represents, like carryin’ guns and protectin’ your own and not screwin’ around all the time. I’ll bet Dick Cheney never has sex like Bill Clinton, and now we have this stuff comin’ up just before the election about lies and more lies. I think it’s terrible about those Democrats stealing those crosses offa those graves in Arlington National Cemetery....”
Sources say that it is true, that Dick Cheney does not have sex like Bill Clinton. “Usually Dick and Lynne prefer role playing,” the Cheney’s live-in secretary, Jotem Downe, told the Inquirer, in an in-depth covert interview. “On the designated night, Mr. Cheney puts on a fluffy nightie and Lynne plays the more dominant role, chasing Dick around the room to the tune of “The William Tell Overture.” Lynne usually wears a Lone Ranger mask for this and when Dick finally lets her catch him, she then assumes the role of the woman and Dick shoots her with his silver bullet. I know this is unorthodox, but after all, it’s Lieberman that’s the Jew, not Cheney….”
As the days dwindle down to less than a month before the big day, truth-in-packaging has become an issue. “Al Gore is a liar,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, last Sunday on the Republican Net Work program, Fox News Sunday on Monday. “He has consistently and repeatedly made up things, he is a ‘serial’ exaggerator, and to stoop to stealing crosses from Arlington National Cemetery and taking money from Shirley Temple’s uncle Buddhist is unspeakable. How low can he sink?”
“I don’t give a damn what they say or how often they say it,” said Doug Hattaway, a Gore campaign strategist. “It’s like Joe Andrews said, the Gores and Clintons did not steal any crosses from Arlington National Cemetery. It’s true that Ronald Reagan said that on his way back from WWII he saw the ‘crosses row on row,’ but the fact is Reagan never ever served in WWII and there were not any crosses--following World War I, a board of officers adopted a new design to be used for all graves except those of veterans of the Civil and Spanish-American Wars. This stone was of the slab design referred to as “General” type, slightly rounded at the top, of American white marble, 42 inches long, 13 inches wide, and four inches thick--why doesn’t someone say something about that? Dick Cheney said at the Republican Convention that he always got a catch in his throat when he viewed the crosses in Arlington National--well, the truth is he never viewed them because, goddamnit, there are none…there are white markers…but they are not crosses…read my lips…there...are...no...crosses...in…Arlington. OK? There never have been. Reagan and Cheney are lying--fabricating--making things up--embellishing--damnit.”
Congressman Dan Burton, R-Ind., said today, “No matter how much they deny this, they know it is the truth. We are going to pursue this until the day of the election and beyond. Henry Hyde, Asa Hutchinson, Lyndsey Graham, Bob Barr, Mary Bono, and other prominent, brilliant thinking Republican Congressmen are not going to let this issue die. What’s next? Robbing graves? Our office got word today that Bill Clinton attended Pierre Trudeau’s funeral disguised as a priest and slipped a gold ring from Trudeau’s dead finger, sold it, and donated the proceeds to Hillary’s campaign. Rush Limbaugh and Don Wade of WLS both had it on their shows so I know it’s the truth.”
Former Prosecutor Ken Starr, accompanied by Prosecutor Bob Ray, said today, as he tied a yellow string around a government-issued brown opaque garbage bag, “We are rapidly gathering evidence. In here, we have some white paint chips that were found in the Rose Garden where President Clinton was standing when he spoke to the people about Yugoslavia. These paint chips match paint chips that were found on Gennifer Flowers when she was disguised as Vince Foster lying in the graveyard. They match the paint chips that were found on Paula Jones when she met with Clinton in that hotel room and later these same chips were found on Kathleen Willey’s left nipple after Clinton embraced her--Linda Tripp found these chips on Monica Lewinski--Lewinski was trying to protect the President and said the chips were merely dandruff, but then we traced them directly to various cemeteries and the paint that is used on crosses which led us to the travel office. It was just a simple matter of deduction to follow the trail to the Clintons’ living quarters where we found Socks and Buddy chewing the paint from a piece of wood which was traced to the park directly across from the White House. Now we know the full truth. Bill Clinton was chopping down trees in a city-owned park to make crosses for Arlington National Cemetery, and the Clintons and the Gores were painting them in the White House so they could replace them before we discovered their thievery. Well, by God, we got them now, let the chips fall where they may.”
George W.hoops Bush said today, as he fastened his robe and held on to his yarmulke and his spinning propeller with both hands, completely forgetting his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible, “They may have them red-handed on that cross stealin’, but I wanta know what they intend to do about Shirley Temple’s uncle Buddhist?”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana arose today, brushed her long black waist-length hair back from her perfect oval face, looked at her companion with her dark smoky long-lashed sultry eyes, smiled to reveal her perfect white teeth and a little dimple at the corner of her full red lips, coyly covered her ample bare bosom with a corner of a blanket while one pert nipple escaped, crossed her legs to hide the evidence of her womanhood, and said, “Hokay, soo now hi know wot a Geeligan iz….”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, speeding across the Atlantic Ocean in his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire was seen today by Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye who is monitoring his progress. “He is still holding on to his pouch, but seems to be looking for his Mickey Mouse,” said Pilot Skye. “He looks sad but he’s trying to get a grip on himself….”
…And on the private pier at Florida Governor Jeb Bush’s private beach sits Governor George W.hoops Bush of Texas, puffing on his water pipe as he scans the landscape for a sign of the rubber raft and says to himself, “hmmmm…wonder where I was in ‘72 and ‘73…wonder if I had any fun?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Warm front moving in…Pressure building….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney headed for off-ramp….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
GOP foul….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate was an alcoholic until his mid-40s,
when he says he suddenly discovered Jesus Christ as his personal savior? Ask yourself,
“What if he were elected President and then fell off the wagon?”
…Think about it….
M
The answer is George W.hoops Bush, but you already knew that, didn’t you?
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE THURSDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2000*****
Freedom doesn’t always come free. Bribing that cop cost you a helluva lot, didn’t it?
…God Bless America and let Gore soar…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2000*****
M Vice President Al Gore and Governor George W.hoops Bush of Texas are staying quietly sequestered until the second debate in Winston-Salem, N.C., tonight. With both sides mounting personal attacks on one another, it is said that the second debate may be more lively than the first. “I think they will probably both be in good shape, at their fighting weights, and will come out fighting. Bush will no doubt continue hitting below the belt where Gore’s veracity is concerned and Gore will counterpunch,” said Lefty McGoo, who has been the sparring partner of such greats as Mayor Rudolph Giuliani, Pat/Bay Buchanan, Ross Perot, and Jesse Ventura. “I’ve watched these guys and, while Bush seems a light weight, he is heavy with those foul blows.”
Upon hearing this, Candidate George W.hoops Bush said from his ranch north of Austin, Texas, as he held his robe closed for fear of exposure, held tightly to his yarmulke, and adjusted his propeller in the Texas wind, “I resent that carceration of my wordage by Mr. McGoon. While I may have said that my proponet did not know how to tell the truth and would do anything to get erected, I have never questioned his velocity.”
Rumors have it that Candidate Bush has been quite flustered in the past few days due to rumors that have been surfacing on the internet for quite some time and were finally disclosed on Sunday’s edition of Meet The Press when Paul Begala brought up the question of Mr. Bush’s National Guard record. Due to Iowa farmer Martin Heldt’s investigation and perseverance, the story of Bush’s nonservice with the Texas Air National Guard to avoid Vietnam is now being publicized. “He has been upset ever since he heard Mr. Begala,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, on Tuesday. “We couldn’t get him down for his nap Monday, and at Tuesday’s rally in Tennessee, he could not get his propeller adjusted for the proper spin--these unproven rumors are very disturbing to a great patriot like Mr. Bush. It was only when we telephoned Barbara--his mom, and had her read “The Very Hungry Caterpillar” to him, as she did when he was a child of 22, that we finally got him quiet for the night.”
A source said that Laura Bush had become upset Sunday after she had viewed Meet The Press and her Candidate husband did not come home as scheduled. “It is only natural for George to be nervous and confused these days, but he has always found his way home before. He was supposed to arrive at our new home in Proffer but showed up at our ranch in Alamo, and we finally caught up with him at our ranch in Tyler. I could have probably located him sooner if I had called our home in Houston and had them contact our ranch in Galveston and in turn had them phone our place in Odessa, but then I thought why not call our home in Abilene and have them contact Amarillo--but by then I had found him at our new ranch just two miles north of Austin.”
“He is practicing his debate strategy,” said Senator Judd Gregg, Republican of New Hampshire. “I am taking the part of that lying, cheating, money-hustling-cross-stealing Al Gore, not that we are in to any personal attacks. I could overlook Gore’s other falsehoods and exaggerations, and I think I can speak for the American people on this, but when he stoops to stealing crosses from Arlington National Cemetery, that is the last straw.”
The Gore campaign issued this statement through Joe Andrews, the national chairman of the Democratic National Committee. “While we do not care to enter into a negative campaign with this bumbling and babbling Candidate of the Republican Party, we feel we must defend ourselves. Mr. Gore did not steal any crosses from the Arlington National Cemetery, nor did President Clinton. Mr. Cheney has stated he saw the crosses in June, but he was, to put it politely, in error, as was Ronald Reagan when he said he saw the ‘crosses row on row’ on his way back from his service in WWII, at his first inauguration back in the 80s. There simply are no crosses in that hallowed land because, damn it to hell, there never have been any crosses, and Mr. Gore categorically denies taking money from Shirley Temple’s uncle Buddhist. He does not even know the man. These people are making me goddamned crazy with their rantings and ravings about events that never happened. Jesus Christ. Are they all Wacko in Waco?”
To which Candidate Bush replied through his spokesperson, Gotta Duck, “If Ronald Reagan says he seen them crosses in 1980 and Dick Cheney says he seen them in June, then they were there because Ron and Dick should know what they seen when they saw it.”
Congressman Dan Burton, R-Ind., is said to be proceeding with his investigation into the missing crosses. Congressman Bob Barr, R-Ga., said today, “I talked to Ken Starr and Bob Ray this morning and we all know what went on. We are going after that smoking gun. Tipper Gore and Hillary Clinton disguised themselves as guards at Arlington. Gore and Clinton went there one night during the lunar eclipse and it was then that they took the crosses. All the campaign funds date back to that time. We have witnesses. Little did they know that Linda Tripp had sent Paula Jones who contacted Kathleen Willey who sent Monica Lewinski to talk to those thieves while Gennifer Flowers lay there in the cemetery disguised as Vince Foster and filmed all of it. By God, we’ve got ‘em this time.”
To which Tim Russert of NBC, Bill O’Riley of Fox, Rush Limbaugh of Outer Space, Cokie, Sam, and George Steponyerpenis of ABC, Oliver North, Chris Matthews and his lover Peggy Noonan of MSNBC all replied in unison, “We think we’ve got him this time, but we’re keeping our fingers crossed.”
Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton said, “Close, but no cigar.…”
And now for the debate….
…And on board the Good Ship RNC, ex-Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana zipped herself into her white nylon skin-tight jumpsuit today, covering her heaving bosoms as her pert nipples outlined themselves in the clinging fabric, tossed her mane of thick black waist-length hair away from the perfect face, lowered her dark smoldering long-lashed eyes and smiled winningly, revealing her perfect even white teeth and a tiny dimple in her left cheek as she said, surveying her derriere in the full-length mirror...“Hee wass rrright--I do haff ha deemple een my asss….”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez is nearing the end of his journey as he goes full speed ahead in his power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire. Pilot Bleu Skye reported today from his Coast Guard plane, “He has got his Mickey Mouse in one hand and his pouch in the other and he is smiling….”
…And Florida Governor Jeb Bush, standing on his private pier on his private beach at his mansion, said to Texas Governor George Bush as the Gov. lit up, innnnnhaled deeply, and held it…“Ain’t you ‘sposed to be in Austin for that execution?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Dark clouds hovering over Bush/Cheney….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush and Gore meet head on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Politics is no sport, sport….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
Which Candidate for President of the United States,
who evaded military service in Nam by enlisting in the Texas National Guard and
then going AWOL, now says he has a plan for revamping the military
but has not yet decided on the architecture, size, cost,
or time frame of the system he proposes,
because it is “a secret.”
M
Answer: The man with the plan--George W.hoops Bush.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 11, 2000*****
You are mean and vile and have a really terrible negative attitude. Your friends are hanging around you. Cut them down.
…God Bless America and let Gore decide Bush’s fate tonight at the debate…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2000*****
M With the Presidential election less than a month away, both Democratic Candidate Vice President Al Gore and Republican Candidate Governor George W.hoops Bush are pulling out all the stops. “We are not going to lower ourselves to negative responses,” said Uppin Atem, spokesman for the Bush campaign. “Everyone already knows what a liar Al Gore is, how he pimped for Bill Clinton, was a marijuana addict, wants to do away with automobiles, has a penchant for Polar bears, and now we have the case of the missing crosses in Arlington National Cemetery.”
As he addressed newsmen, wearing his mud-spattered robe and clutching his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible, his yarmulke with the spinning propeller going at a frantic pace, from his home in Proffer, Texas, where he was preparing for Wednesday night’s debate, Candidate Bush said Monday, “Mr. Atem is correct in saying that I will not distort to personnel attacks. Everyone already knows how Al Gore got money from Shirely Temple’s uncle Buddhist and how he wants to be President so bad he’ll do anything. I do not intend to keep yammering away on this--as for me, I will stand on my record.”
But many are asking this week just WHAT IS George W.hoops Bush’s record? “We all know,” said Doug Hattaway, spokesman for the Gore campaign, “that he has been Governor of Texas for 5½ years, and before that he owned a baseball team, dabbled in oil, and emerged one slick failed businessman. We know that he is about to exceed his own record for the highest number of people executed in the U.S., we know that he is taking credit for a school system that Democratic Governor Ann Richards initiated, we know that the poverty level of children in Texas is one of, if not THE worst in America, we know that Texas is last in health care for women, we know he is soft on the environment and that the Texas city of Houston is classified as the most polluted city in the nation, we know that he blamed Texas’ high teenage pregnancies on the Hispanic population, saying ‘them people does not really believe that getting pregnant is a bad thing,’ we know that he wants the wealthy to become more so at the expense of the poor, we know he wants to privatize Social Security, we know he would appoint Supreme Court Judges patterned after Clarence Thomas and Scalea and that he is against a woman’s right to choose and would completely dissemble the national school system, that he caters to the Right Wing Coalition, hell, we know all that…WHAT WE DON’T KNOW IS WHERE GEORGE BUSH WAS DURING THE YEAR ‘72-73 WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE SERVING IN THE NATIONAL GUARD.”
When asked about this today, Bush campaign chief strategist Karl Rove said, “Who the hell cares about something that happened a long time ago? Let’s talk about more recent things like Al Gore’s helping Bill Clinton steal those crosses from Arlington National Cemetery.” Adding that he firmly hoped that Bush would bring that issue up in Wednesday night’s debate, he went on to say, “I’ve heard enough about Mr. Bush’s National Guard service. We have already explained that he flew the missing plane in the formation that is created at a deceased serviceman’s funeral. The planes fly four in a group as the fifth plane depicts the dead airman. Lieutenant Bush was flying that missing plane. This is a dangerous mission and one which calls for deft maneuverability, secrecy, and complete devotion to one’s duty. Lieutenant Bush still suffers from the stress of that missing year--at times he is still unable to pronounce words clearly from the trauma that was involved. As soon as he is elected, we intend to see that he receives the proper recognition for his selfless service. We are going to see that he is awarded the purple heart, as he still bears the scars of being missing and, speaking of missing, once again, what about those missing crosses in Arlington that Reagan spoke of in his first inauguration speech and Richard Cheney saw as recently as June and are now missing? What about that?”
Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, said on Monday that she remembers Barbara Bush telling of how her son had come staggering into the Bush’s modest 42-room home located on 100 acres of land in Midland, Texas, one day in May of 1972. “She said he was completely disoriented, was sniffing with a bad cold, and his arms bore marks of some kind. It seems that his missing plane had crashed in an undisclosed secret area and he had had to walk all the way home without a parachute. She said that she had cautioned him about wearing a parachute at all times because he was often high--but why don’t we concentrate on the happenings of today? Let’s talk about the President and his Vice making off with those crosses from Arlington National....”
Bush Campaign manager Joe Allbaugh said, “He was definitely on a secret mission. Old George was working for the CIA and young George was working with him. Everything was very hush-hush. I remember one time when George W. was home for a weekend--his eyes were red, and he was sniffing with a bad cold--just stayed in his room all day thinking. George is a deep thinker. Sometimes when he says things you think he’s dumb, but that’s just his way of covering up his intelligence. So far, he has done a bang-up job. George is good at these cover-ups. But let’s talk about something more relevant…what about the Clinton/Gore Caper of the Crosses? Let’s talk about that....”
Dan Bartlett, spokesman for the Bush campaign, said, “I have read our Candidate’s National Guard Records and there is nothing earth shattering there. As for where he was in the missing year? That is a secret that I have sworn not to divulge. Our country’s very existence might depend on this. All I can say is that everyone would be surprised. This is so secret that even HE knows only the barest details--now let’s talk Gore and those missing crosses.…”
“I’ve heard enough about this,” said George H. W. Bush, as he reviewed his latest trade receipts from Communist China. “Bushes have been serving this country since we found out how profitable it was. We have roots in China, Russia, the Middle East, and other places too numerous to mention. My son was performing a secret mission. So secret that only he and his suppliers know the nature of it. I cannot nor will not betray his trust. Read my lips--No News from TEXAS.”
…And Oliver North had this to say on his program on MSNBC on Monday: “Too long has this great patriot, who was serving his country in a top-secret military mission, been castigated because he will not disclose the details of his activities. Bill Clinton has committed murders, rapes, fathered illegitimate children, and now has forced Paula Jones to pose in the nude for Penthouse Magazine. Forcing her to bare her luscious new breasts, with her nipples upright begging for attention, her full mouth begging to be kissed, and her legs barely covering the essence of her womanhood which all men desire…let’s talk facts….”
…And on the Good Ship RNC, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana packed her traditional headdress that covers her long flowing black locks that emphasize her perfect oval face and dark smoky eyes, bit her full lower lip disclosing a tiny dimple in one perfect cheek, and breathed deeply causing her full bosom to expand revealing the pert nipples as they strained against her white nylon jumpsuit, and said, “Thees iss enufff. I cannot bee heveryone’s seester....”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez let go of his Mickey Mouse as he concentrated on the last miles of his voyage in the power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone tire. Pilot Bleu Skye, who is monitoring the trip, said today from his Coast Guard plane, “That is one gutsy kid--just one thing I can’t figure out--what has he got in that oilskin pouch?”
…And on the private beach of the private Florida Governor’s mansion of Jeb Bush, George W.hoops sat on the private pier, gazing into the darkened sky, and said, “I wonder where that kid are? I gotta have them records….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Bush headed for a storm….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney still keeping far right….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney hitting below belt….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate and his running mate are
making military readiness a principal campaign issue when neither has served in
the military? What Candidate cost the U.S. tax payers hundreds of
thousands of dollars to train him as a fighter jock and repaid
them with only 68 days of active duty?
M
Yeahhhh…he’s de man…George W.hoops Bush!
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE TUESDAY, OCTOBER 10, 2000*****
You were only trying to make sure your partner did not make the same mistakes you have made--mission accomplished. Now sprinkle a little lime over the body and bury it deep.
…God Bless America and let the electorate save Nader for later…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2000*****
M During Thursday night’s Vice Presidential debate, ex-Secretary of Defense under George H. W. Bush and Vice Presidential Candidate Richard Cheney told Senator Joe Lieberman, the Democratic Vice Presidential contender, in reference to his finances, that “big government had nothing to do with it.”
“That’s true,” said Mr. I. M. Rich of Houston, Texas. “Dick’s money had nothing to do with any kind of government. There really was very little government involved. By God, no one governs Dick Cheney.”
Mr. Cheney, who received a $20 million retirement package from Halliburton Oil when he retired to run for national office, remains adamant that he has never profited from any dealings as a corporate welfare hog. “The fact that Halliburton Oil has benefited from at least $3.8 billion in federal contracts and taxpayer-insured loans is not relevant here,” oinked Mr. Cheney, as he gingerly stepped around the question, his waders covered with mud. “I said that big government had nothing to do with it…now it all depends on the definition of ‘it.’”
“The word ‘it’ can mean a number of things,” said Professor Reed Book of the Oilman’s Institute located outside Austin, Texas. “It can mean ‘it’ or cannot mean ‘it.’ It’s all according to how you use the word. In this instance, I feel that the word ‘it’ is merely a subjective word which has little or no meaning, and that Mr. Cheney’s definition of it is correct. That is all I have to say about it.”
“We have been looking into Mr. Cheney’s dealings,” said Uri Nate, president of Oilmen Only Pump Stability or OOPS, and we find nothing wrong with the fact that the U.S. Export-Import Bank guaranteed $489 million in credits to a Russian Oil Company who deals in subterfuge, drug trafficking, and organized crime funds or that Halliburton will receive $292 million of these funds to help them work a Siberian oil field. This is all in a day’s work...just the usual stuff that makes the world go round. Mr. Cheney is as pure as a gallon of new oil.”
Mr. Wall Street said today, “It is through Dick Cheney’s stewardship of Halliburton Oil and his ability to attract government contracts and grants through his contacts during his days as defense secretary under President George Bush that this great company has grown.” Adding that he hoped he wasn’t being “crude,” Mr. Street continued, “Mr. Cheney has never been subsidized by the government--in fact, I don’t know if the government was even aware of what he was doing.”
Ms. Bea Covered, secretary to Halliburton Oil Executive Ethal Butane, said today, “Yes, it’s true that Halliburton Oil has donated $1,212,000 in soft money to Republican candidates and parties as compiled by the Non-Partisan Center For Responsive Politics and that before Mr. Cheney’s arrival the parties in question had only received $534,750, but that is just a coincidence. The Republican Congress will back up our statements, I am sure.”
“Dick Cheney is a man who is all heart,” said Inda Money, also a CEO with Halliburton. “He has looked after us by increasing our compensations and so we looked after him. We believe in the Golden Rule--those that have the gold, rule. The government didn’t give him the $20 million retirement and the $13.6 million in stock and options--we did. We love Dick.”
“Dick Cheney’s performance at the debate was a clincher for George Bush. Everyone is saying how great it was that Cheney chose himself to be the Candidate. He has excellent judgment and is very enthusiastic about this. Dick is pumped,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, as she looked for her Xanax. “I know he was wrestling with the decision, but when it came down to the wire, he chose himself over all those other candidates. He finished answering the 20-question form prepared by him, and required by him as consideration for the ticket, and chose himself. I know George said that Dick told him that he had had a long discussion with himself before the selection, and after an in-depth interview with himself, Mr. Cheney determined that he was the man for the job.”
“He is so candid,” said Geeo Pea, sponsor for Cheney Rules Urban Developments or CRUD. “I remember him at the Republican Convention in Philadelphia and his great speech. Despite the fact that he had other priorities and could not attend the Vietnam War, he is a great patriot. I remember what he said word-for-word: ‘Just before you settle down on the landing pad, you look upon Arlington National Cemetery,’ he said. And then he got a little catch in his throat. Dick was choked with emotion, but he bravely continued: ‘Its gentle slopes, and crosses row-on-row, I never once made that trip without being reminded of how enormously fortunate we all are to be Americans and what a price thousands of these poor, black, illiterate sons of bitches, along with the white trash of this world who do not make $100,000 per year and are merely dregs on society, have paid.’”
When an alert speech writer pointed out that Arlington National Cemetery has no crosses, Speaker Dennis Hastert, R-Ill., said, as he hung up the phone from a conversation with oil lobbyist and ex-Congressman Bob Livingston, “My God, someone stole all those crosses? Crime has grown rampant under the Clinton/Gore administration. My colleagues and I will demand an investigation.” “This is yet another example of the length the Clinton/Gore administration will go in their efforts to defraud the government,” said Congressman Henry Hyde, R-Ill., as he returned from printing absentee ballots at the RNC Headquarters at Kinko’s On The Green. “We will not let this pass unnoticed.”
When notified by Congressmen Bob Barr, Lyndsey Graham, Asa Hutchinson, and Congresswoman Mary Bono that Arlington National Cemetery had no crosses, Congressman Dan Burton, R-Ind., said today, “I am, at the urgings of my dedicated cohorts, immediately serving subpoenas on all personnel that are affiliated with Arlington National Cemetery. Not only has our great Candidate for Vice President seen those crosses as early as the Republican Convention this year, but our beloved President, Ronald Reagan, also made reference to them in his first inaugural address when he said ‘After I came back from my service in WWII, beyond those monuments to heroism is the Potomac River and on the far shore the sloping hills of Arlington National Cemetery with its row-on-row of simple white markers.…’ I demand to know who stole all the crosses from Arlington National Cemetery.”
Ken Starr, former special prosecutor in the Paula Jones caper, and assistant Robert Ray are being reactivated to help solve this case. “We are looking into the possibility that the President and First Lady, aided by Vice President Gore and his wife Tipper, stole those crosses and sold them to raise campaign money,” said Mr. Starr today, as he opened a new package of brown opaque evidence-gathering government-issue garbage bags. “Mr. Gore denies this, but everyone knows what a liar he is….”
…And in the stateroom below the decks of the Good Ship RNC, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana flipped her long flowing black locks back from her perfect oval face with a flirtatious tilt of her head, and lowered her dark smoky long-lashed eyes and let her full breasts with the perky nipples free from the confines of the form-fitting white nylon jumpsuit, and she said to no one in particular, “Whhy deed they say to let Shorge do eet?”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez was spotted by Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye today as he made his way in his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone Tire, ever onward across the Atlantic to his destination, just 60 short miles away. “He is still holding onto his Mickey Mouse,” said Pilot Skye, “and still smiling--that kid has sure got a hold of himself….”
…And on the private pier of Florida Governor Jeb Bush, Texas Governor George W.hoops Bush said, as he sat and stared at the sea, pulled out a pipe, filled it, and blew, “This is subliminabubble….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Windy….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP getting signals mixed….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney about to fumble….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for Vice President,
who is a multi-oil-rich-millionaire and whose children
stand to inherit a fortune, said, in Thursday’s debate, “we must keep social security intact
with the Bush/Cheney plan. I know my children, who are in their 30s,
are concerned about their future and about how much
will be there for them….”
M
Answer: Dick Cheney…the guy who says he wants nothing from the government…the guy who has other priorities when it comes to serving his country, and the former CEO of Halliburton Oil who has made more from his government contracts than he will ever be able to spend. …The corporate son of a bitch.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, OCTOBER 9, 2000*****
This week you will try to be sweet, but you only disgust those around you. Your girl/boy friend does not like it when you smear honey on it….
…God Bless America and please let Gore soar…SAG
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 8, 2000
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Net, and a good mornin’ tuh yuh....
We have come together on this eighth day of October in the Year of Our Lord, amen,
tuh talk and share our thoughts with one another, whether yuh want tuh er not…amen…
for that is the way of a Democracy…yuh lissen tuh others…even though
you KNOW YOU know better’n THEY do, amen and halleluiah,
and all the time THEY’s a talkin’, yer just a sittin’ there
waitin’ to add YORE two cents worth
‘cause that other fella he don’t know what HE’s a talkin’ about….
And then when HE says somethin’ that kinda strikes yuh too close tuh home…
when HE really hits YOU in a sore spot,
you tell ever’one that HE’s a lyin’, amen and halleluiah…
he’s a makin’up all this stuff that YOU don’t agree with up…amen…
and if yuh keep sayin’ that long enough, amen, to ever’one…
keep it up day after day after day…
if YOU KEEP ADDIN’ yore two cents worth in this pusonal way, amen,
purty soon all the peepul that yore a talkin to, amen…
they begin to b’lieve YOU…AMEN….
Don’t make no never mind if YORE right or not, amen,
because ever’body wants to b’lieve the WORSE, amen, about the t’other guy…
Amen and halleluiah….
And that’s a kinda what’s goin’ on in this here political campaign, amen….
We got the Vice President of the Yew-Nited States, amen…a tellin’ things…amen…
just LITTLE things, that don’t mean a spit in thuh ocean, amen…
things that are just parables…amen…
stories to make YOU think about things that will affect yore life, amen,
for yars and yars to come, amen,
and yore CHILDREN’S lives, amen,
and then this t’other guy, amen, steps up and says, “That guy is a liar…”
...And the rest of the people, just bein’ PEOPLE, amen,
they take up the cry…amen…and then the newspapers and all the people
that are a wantin’ this T’OTHER guy, amen, to win,
they says it ever’day, amen…
say THIS GUY WHO IS OUR VICE PRESIDENT IS A LIAR…
and all the time it’s they that’s a lyin’…tellin’ you that this T’OTHER guy
served his country, when he was ACTUALLY ABSENT FROM TRAINING…
he was a deserter, amen and halleluiah.…
Got this t’other guy a sayin’, amen, that the Vice President is soft on drugs…
when it t’was the t’other guy that took they there drugs…amen and halleluiah.…
Got this t’other guy a sayin’ that he LOVES people,
when HE, amen, has put more people to death in the five years
in the time he has been Governor than any other man.…
Yet this t’other guy says he is FULL of compassion, amen,
…and caring, amen and halleluiah.…
So yuh see,
yore all kinda in this game of TRUTH AND CONSEQUENCES….
Amen and halleluiah…
a heavy heavy heavy hangs over thine head, amen….
and it’s that t’other guy, amen and halleluiah…who is a lyin’ tuh yuh…
that is a hangin’ heavy over you
and if you don’t wise up…look around, amen and halleluiah…
analyze this here sitcheeashun, amen and halleluiah,
yore a gonna pay
them consequences….
…Amen and Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2000
DANVILLE, KY: Dick Cheney and Senator Joseph I. Lieberman faced off Thursday night over tax policy, educational, and national security, in a Vice Presidential debate that epitomized everything a Vice President should be. Cheney, wearing his best concerned-citizen look, came out on the offensive. “He was the most offensive son of a bitch I have ever seen,” said Senator Joseph Biden, R-Del. “He had that smart-ass look on his face, the one he used to wear when he was on the Hill.”
But opinions differ, along party lines. “Now I know why he chose himself for Vice President,” said Orrin Hatch. “He is the most qualified. Why, when Bush gets elected and something happens to him, this country will be blessed with a great President.”
Rumors are running rampant that the RNC is having an emergency meeting at an undisclosed location this weekend to discuss this. “It is true that we are having a strategy session meeting,” said Onda Sly, spokeswoman for the RNC Women Are for Cheney Kommittee--Yes! or WACKY. “We know it is not wise to change horses midstream, but we feel that if the ticket were reversed we would stand more of a chance of winning the election.”
When asked if he would be available to take over the No. 1 spot if called upon, Mr. Cheney said, “I would love to be the CEO of this country and I would humbly accept.” Asked who the voters could expect to be named to his Cabinet, the ex-Secretary of Defense and former executive of Big Oil replied, “I would prefer they be referred to as my board of directors.”
AUSTIN, TX: Texas Governor and Republican Presidential Candidate George W.hoops Bush said today that, if elected President, he would solve the nation’s oil shortage by allowing oil drilling in Alaska’s Arctic National Wild Life Range. “With the technology that exists today, we could go in there and get out of there without leaving any footprints,” said the Republican nominee, his robe flapping and the propeller on his yarmulke spinning out of control. “The only sign we ever had been there would be some oil derricks, the deep ruts in the roads made by oil rigs, the uprooted trees, a few dead polar bears, and other inconsequential wild life. I am sure that the six months’ supply of oil we would get from such a venture would be worth this,” he added as he looked over his latest campaign contribution from Halliburton Oil.
HOUSTON, TX: Governor George Bush alighted from his Lincoln towncar on Monday, nonchalantly waved at a reporter with whom he has sparred frequently, and yelled “How y’all doin’? Ain’t seen too much of you lately....” The Governor seemed to be in a jovial mood as he departed later for his ranch. He had flown in for the execution of no. 33 in his hit parade targeted at death row inmates. “Thirty-three down and five more to go,” said the Governor, as he looked over his notes for the debate on Wednesday of this week. “I’m going to break my own record,” said the Republican Candidate for President, speaking of the executions he had directed since he became Governor. “Thirty-seven dead in ’97 and 38 this year…..now…” he said, “where the hell is that bit I wanta stick in there on Wednesday about how compassionate I am?”
WASHINGTON, DC: “This year’s election could be the most important in a century because of the Supreme Court Justices the next President may appoint,” said Christian Coalition founder Pat Robertson at the opening of the Coalition’s annual convention. Clutching his Bible, which Pat swears was autographed by Jesus Christ Himself, he added, “We need more conservative Judges like Clarence Thomas, who knows a pubic hair when he sees one and displays pornography in his home so his visitors can see what he is talking about when he says how vile it is. We also need someone in there who would rule against this abortion pill, RU-486.”
Robertson stated that he is adamantly against any type of birth control except abstinence. Chairing the new Christian Coalition program, “Get A Little, Not A Lot,” he said, “People need to practice birth control by simply controlling themselves. I know that is hard to do, but I have overcome my desire time and time again. Why, right now, I can feel my passion building just talking about it, and as soon as my secretary and I come back from break at the Pay-By-The-Hour Motel, I will have more to say.”
MIAMI, FL: Lazaro Gonzalez declared Thursday that he, his wife Angela, and his daughter Mariaelisamonisateresa would never return his nephew, little Alien Gonzalez, to his father. “Thees shild will nevair grow upp in a plaze that ees rahn by ha tyrannt,” he declared passionately in a Federal court. “Hi ham sueeng Attorney Sheneral Chanet Reno, the Hi Hen Hes ashents, and a whole bunch uff othair peoples.”
When told that his nephew had been returned and had been living with his father since spring, Gonzalez, taking a swig from a brown paper bag, said, “Time, she flies, when you’re haffing fun....”
WASHINGTON, DC: PBS newscaster Jim Lehrer said today that there will be a different format at Wednesday’s Presidential debate. “We will be seated at a table instead of having the participants standing at a lectern,” said the moderator. “This way, there will not be a chance of the subjects mooning each other. We have received word that both Bush and Gore are planning on such action and we cannot have them showing their asses before millions of people,” he added.
The Gore camp said that they would comply. “We will be putting our plans in a lock box,” said Fare Playe, spokesman for the campaign.
The Committee For Presidential Debates issued this statement today: “We are pleased with the response from the Gore-Lieberman ticket. While we have not yet received word from the Bush camp, we have decided not to press this issue, as it is well known that Candidate Bush does not know his ass from a hole in the ground.”
…And onboard the Good Ship RNC, in a stateroom below deck, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said, as she donned her five-inch heels, zipped her voluptuous body into her white nylon jumpsuit, her full breasts straining against the fabric as it outlined her pert, hard nipples, brushed her long flowing dark locks back from her perfect oval face, fluttered her long lush lashes over her brown limpid eyes, and displayed a dimple in her rounded cheeks, “The skeeper toooo?”…
…And on the high seas, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, his tiny hands still clutching his Mickey Mouse, with a smile on his face, kicked his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone Tire into high gear. Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye, who is monitoring the progress of the tyke, said today, “He is heading directly for the States and should be there in plenty of time for his intended purpose….”
…And back on the Private Pier of Governor Jeb Bush of Florida, Presidential Candidate Governor George Bush of Texas sat sniffing through a privatized straw and said, “For his intended PORPOISE….?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Bush looking for “snow”.…
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Gore giving passing signals....
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush horsing around….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Vice Presidential Republican Candidate said in Thursday
night’s debate, when questioned about the rights of gay Americans, that he merely “felt for them”?
What Candidate could not bring himself to validate his own child by saying
“My daughter is gay and I love and support her”?
...And what Candidate, along with his running mate, claims to want
to “leave no child behind”?
M
Answer: Dick Cheney…BIG TIME!!
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, OCTOBER 7, 2000*****
As a Libra, you get two of everything. Good luck in your threesome….
…God Bless America and let the voters beware of compassionates who “care”…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2000*****
M Today marks the beginning of the end of the Presidential Campaign. With just 34 days left until the new Commander-in-Chief is selected, Karen Hughes, George W.hoops Bush’s girl Friday, charged Wednesday that the Democrats are guilty of trying to steal their opponents’ secrets. “The Democrats are trying to find out what makes this campaign run so smoothly,” said Ms. Hughes, sipping on a 7-7 and lighting one cigarette from another. “They are jealous of our finely tuned campaign and the way we have taken command of the issues. They stole that tape that was sent to Downey,” she said, looking slyly over her shoulder. Lowering her voice, she whispered, “They are everywhere…sometimes they are invisible…but I know they are there. Ari knows they are there…Karl Rove knows they are there….”
“We have had to increase our security,” said Karl Rove, the Campaign spokesman. “We cannot trust anyone. Do you see that guy over there?…the one that said he was a delivery man…the Pancho Taco guy?…well,” he said, putting his hand before his face so no one could read his lips. “That is no guy…that is Hillary Clinton….”
“They have become obsessed,” said Major Domo, the head of security at the Bush compound just outside Waco, Texas. “Just last night, when the Dubya came in, Rove threw him to the floor and frisked him. Said Dubya had given the wrong password. Hell, that guy can’t remember his own name, let alone a password. Rove had him pinned to the floor…running his hands over him looking for his gun…I got there just before he went off....”
“Yeahh,” said Rove, “the Major thinks he knows it all…I happen to know that wasn’t George Bush…that was Janet Reno...she has all these disguises--yesterday she was Laura Bush, the day before that she was Bob Novak...saw her on ‘Cross Fire’…they are trying to throw us off guard. That Clinton Administration will stop at nothing.…”
“They are all against us,” said Mindy Pucker Tucker, a spokeswoman for the campaign, as she lowered the shades in the briefing room and bolted the doors. “The FBI, the CIA, the Army, the Navy, the Marines, even the Boy Scouts of America…everyone wants to know our secrets..and, just yesterday, this Girl Scout was here wanting to sell us a cookie. I knew it was Chelsea Clinton right away. The entire family has no character.”
“They defy credibility,” said Ari Fleischer out of the side of his mouth, as he glanced furtively around the room. “See that light bulb?…well, you just THINK it’s a light bulb...that is a handy-dandy Democrat Device to pick up our conversations…they WANT us to turn that on...but we won’t. Our campaign and its entire staff will be in the dark first. They can’t fool us.”
Sources say that the staff has become so paranoid that they continually suspect each other. “I am not paranoid,” said Ms. Hughes, as she pulled her hat down over her eyes, which were hidden by huge dark glasses. “I know that that guy that came into my room last night was Bill Clinton. Sure, he said he was Karl Rove, but his penis fit the exact description of the one that Paula Jones gave of Clinton. They think they’re pretty smart…but I know their tricks…all the time he was making love to me, I thought ‘I’m onto your tricks...Bill…Bill…Bill...ohhhh…Bill!’”
Former President George Bush has been consulted and said today, “Well, it’s getting down to the wire tapping now. I heard that Ross Perot has covertly enlisted the aid of Pat Buchanan and Jesse Ventura and they plan to invade the compound just before the second debate, steal all our secrets, kidnap the boy, and substitute Ralph Nader in disguise...this is one sneaky bunch we are dealing with. Ralph Nader will do anything to get to debate. It really hurts when they’re doing that to your son,” said the former President, wiping a tear from his eye. “I’m really proud of him and the way he’s turned out. Went from a dope addict to an alcoholic to the Governor of Texas--now, by God, you can’t do much better than that.”
“…And I’ll tell you something else,” he said, lowering his voice, “they’re always putting Dick Cheney down…saying he’s stand-offish and distant…well...that is not Dick Cheney…that is Bruce Willis, who says he is a Republican but is in reality a Democrat hired by the Clintons to discredit Dick Cheney. There is no end to their schemes.”
George W.hoops Bush was seen today supervising the erection of a 12-foot barbed wire fence that will surround the compound. “I know what you’re thinking,” he said, trying to close his mud-spattered robe, his propeller on his yarmulke spinning rapidly. “You think I’m imagining things…well, I never imagined Madeleine Albright climbing over that fence last night…by God, I seen her…pulled those skirts up, climbed over that fence bigger’n hell…they’ll stop at nothin’ to know what I know....”
“One thing I do know,” said Art Ticulate, a spokesman for the Gore campaign, “they invaded the Democrat camp on Tuesday. There is no other way to explain the Vice President’s appearance for the debate. We never actually saw anyone, but we found a Strom Thurmond School of Make-Up Kit in the closet. This has the RNC’s prints all over it.”
George W.hoops Bush issued this statement today as he was interviewed in his treehouse in an undisclosed location. Scanning the perimeter with his General Schwartzkopf binoculars, wearing his Colin Powell fatigues, as he sniffed into his hand ranch-style, he said, “I am not paranoid. Nor is my staff. This is a dangerous world, it’s a world of madmen and uncertainty and pretential mential losses. When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were. It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today I am not so sure who them is, but I know they is there. That is all I have to say.”
Upon hearing this, Bill Clinton replied, “He said a mouth full….”
…And aboard the Good Ship RNC, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana stepped out of her bubblebath, stopped before the full-length mirror in her stateroom, shook her long flowing black locks back from the perfect oval face, looked at her voluptuous figure with the full breasts and the pert nipples, and said, “Why deed hee call me Merry Hann? Why deed hee burss my Booble?”
…And Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, going full speed in his souped-up power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone tire, smiling as he clutched his Mickey Mouse, and waving at the captain of the Good Ship RNC, said, “Hold on…Hime comeeeng….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Storms………..
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Warning to Gore: A muddy road ahead….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush back to looking for balls….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President says he is pro life, Answer: George (let me find that vein) W.hoops Bush…. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE FRIDAY, OCTOBER 6, 2000***** Circumstances may change, but your personal rules are inflexible. Bend a little…try it on your knees with a stiff upper lip…. …God Bless America and let the Demos leaf the GOP eating their dust…SAG Q Q Q Q Q *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2000***** M George W.hoops Bush, his robe a little more mud splattered, his Roman sandals scuffed and showing signs of wear, his imitation leather, rosary-entwined Bible clutched to his bosom, and his yarmulke with the rapidly spinning propeller sitting jauntily on his head, was off on his campaign tour again today. Addressing a group of members of the Character Launches Active Power or CLAP, he said, “This nation needs more characters. It is time that our children that is learning to read read about more great American characters. If I am elected I pledge to bring mortality back to the White House. The day I take my oat of orifice I will put my hands on that Bible and swear that I will not have sex with any cherubic interns so help me so help me so help me so help me so help me.…” The huge crowd, waving signs displaying the Republicans new catchy Slogan Of The Week, “Character For Real People Making Blue Prints For People With A Plan While They Leave No Child Behind,” cheered Bush as he proclaimed, “As William Woolworth Longfellow said, ‘Ask not what your country can do, ask what you can do to your country, as for me, give me a liberty and I’ll do you to death.’” As the time for the election is drawing nearer, Bush is concentrating more and more on the “character” theme. “We want him to talk more about compassion, conservatism, and credibility,” says Ari Fleischer, Bush spokesman. “We were working really hard on that compassion thing when he had to come home for the execution of that guy last week. Completely threw us off schedule.” “I think that if we concentrate on the credibility bit, we can really do well,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, as she took her Prozac. “Our candidate has developed into a real challenger. He has remembered all his lines and I particularly liked the ‘Mediscare’ bit. He practiced and practiced for that one. We are going to introduce a new concept next week. We think that if old people can get out and pick up cans to pay for their prescriptions, that is a good thing. It will keep the country free of litter, give them something to do with their spare time. It has been our personal observation that most of the elderly sit around on their asses all the time--they need that exercise.” Standing in front of a large crowd at the Come And Get Us Rest Home, outside of Houston, Tex., Bush introduced his new plan today to a group of senior citizens. Presenting them with T-shirts bearing the words “Yes, You Can Get Off Your Can,” he told them, “Today marks a new beginning. If I am elected your Resident, our health plan, called ‘Helping Hands Pick Up Cans,’ will be enacted. When you go to your pharmacy for your prescription drugs, you merely take your cans with you. Your cans will be counted and you will receive credit according to the size of your cans which will be applied to your purchase. We feel sure that your cans will all be counted.” Telling the group “Only you can pick up your cans,” Bush made his way through the cheering crowd. “I think it is important that these really really old people feel that they are useful members of society,” he said. “I think this may catch on...we are going to have a Slogan Of The Week…take it all cross-country….” “We are having good response to this,” said Annie Fanny, spokeswoman for the “Get Off Your Can” program. Several slogans have been submitted to the campaign--from Clearwater Florida at the Get-A-Little-By-The-Sea Rest Home came “My Can and Your Can-United,” from Los Angeles, Calif., at the Sleep Now, Die Later Convalescent Center came “Cans Across America,” from the Happy Daze Home in Michigan came “Cans Can,” and from the State of Indiana at the If You’re Hurtin’, Come To Burton Rest Home just outside of Indianapolis, owned by Congressman Dan Burton, came the winning slogan, “Can It.” “It’s like this…” said Gotyer Number, spokesman for the Bush Campaign, “the American people are suckers for something like this. They like to feel like they’re part of a movement, joining in and helping themselves. By putting their cans on the line, they see that as active participation. We like to feel like politics is a sport. There’s the American people and then there’s us…in the White House. And we’re playin’ this game...where they’re kinda in the middle and the ball…kinda like a basketball, is all the promises that’s been made to ‘em…like those old geezers on Social Security...you know, that reward we give ‘em for lastin’ till age 65?…make ‘em think it’s kinda a prize…a golden prize for their golden age. And we give ‘em, ‘specially the women, maybe five or six hundred dollars a month or so…and we make a game outa that…kinda like that show where all them people are on that island…we’ll call this game ‘Survival’…and let ‘em be active participants…see if they can eat on this much money and buy their medicine they need to stay alive and keep a roof over their heads and if they do…well, that’s part of the game too…yuh see, we challenge them to see if they can barely make it…inspire them…that’s where the ‘Get Off Your Cans’ comes in…and then George’ll hit ‘em with the reform part and the education part and the children part and the taxes part, and pretty soon all these THINGS we promise makes up that big ball…and you got ‘em in the middle…and all those CEOs of the Oil companies and the Pharmaceuticals and the Power Companies and the Phone Companies and the GMs and the Fords are on one end, and George and Dick--they’ll be on the other end, and we toss this ball with all these THINGS we have promised them…back and forth and back and forth OVER their heads and they keep a tryin’ to catch it and at election time we let them ALMOST catch it, and then we let them ALMOST touch it, ALMOST think they’ve got it and we keep them a tryin’ and a tryin’ and they always have HOPE they’re a gonna catch it and can even FEEL the ball of HOPE almost in their grasp and we keep promisin’ and promisin’ and talkin’ and talkin’, but you know and I know and the Big Money boys know…we ain’t never gonna let ‘em catch that ball….” …And on the Atlantic Ocean, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez, his Mickey Mouse clutched tightly in his hands, is making rapid headway in his power-driven Firestone-Bridgestone Tire as the time grows shorter in his mission to aid the RNC in their pursuit of the White House. Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye said today, “I can see the little feller a holdin’ on to his Mickey Mouse. He’s a brave little soldier…son of a gun if he didn’t have a smile on his face…. …And Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said today, as she gazed wistfully from her stateroom window aboard the Good Ship RNC, and let her long black hair down, as she freed her body from the white nylon jumpsuit, revealing her voluptuous body, her bosoms heaving with passion, as she stepped into her bath, “Hi hope no wan comes een hair and burss my bubble….” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY***** M
What Republican candidate for President mentioned “character” Answer?….George of the Bungle…..Bush. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE THURSDAY, OCTOBER 5, 2000***** The basic, trivial, and inconsequential make up your day. That’s why you watch the news for a glimpse of your candidates. Sorry, Bush is not quite up to snuff…. …God Bless America and let the Dems surpass and knock Bush on his ass…SAG Q Q Q Q Q *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2000***** M George W.hooops Bush trolled Monday for votes in Huntington, West Virginia, on his way to the first Presidential debate, telling a riverbank rally in this traditionally Democratic state to expect an Election Surprise…. “And the one to ‘be surprised’ is not going to be me--it’s going to be my proponet,” said the Texas Governor, the propeller on his yarmulke spinning wildly. “Yes sir, folkses,” he said, his mud-spattered robe agape, his sandals scuffed, his rosary-entwined, imitation leather Bible clutched to his breast, “you’ve got trouble, trouble…right here in River City...you’ve got kids on pot, some who are not, some on cocaine, some playing train as they pursue sex, in this Demo wreck, you’ve got moms on pills, can’t pay their bills, you’ve got men drinking beer, some who are queer, you’ve got immorality galore, people wantin’ more more more, you’ve got people on welfare, and nobody to care, you’ve got kids runnin’ wild, and that’s just mild to what I’m seein’…I’ll help you find, better peace of mind…I’m a leader you see…just follow me.…” “Isn’t he wonderful?” gushed Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, speaking on Monday from the banks of the Ohio River, where the candidate was making his only appearance of the day. “He picked that up watching the Music Man on TNT last night…those acting lessons he has been taking are really paying off. A little Ronald Reagan…a little Robert Preston…we have a natural here, a man that can present himself as him self.” “I hope he can carry that theme into the Debate tonight,” said Ari Fleischer. “He’s getting to be a real hustler. My God, he can make people believe anything. He’s even got me believing he’s literate, actually served in the National Guard instead of dodging the draft, has never done cocaine, never touched a drink, is a family man, loves his wife and kids, goes to church regularly, and has been saved at least three times…once by Pat Robertson, once by Jerry Falwell, and that time when he was caught with Tammy Faye beneath the bleachers at a Texas Rangers game.” Bush was introduced by coal miner Dick Kimbler, who wore a hard hat and appeared in black face, a hazard of his profession. “It seems that all my friends are Dicks,” said the affable candidate, as he put one arm around his host. “But Dick is a fine old American name. I have found that Dicks can be relied on. They are always there when you need them, eager to come forth and greet you, dependable, reliable, where would this country be without the Dicks of this world?” As the large, overflowing enthusiastic crowd of 500 greeted the Texas-Governor-turned-Presidential-Candidate, he gave his propeller another spin as he said, “This is a menstruation that fears coal…but I see it as a way to make us less dependent on foreign oil...I see it as a way to send men into the dark gaseous-filled caverns of this state--a way for a real man to test his character--as they challenge the elements in their fight for breath as the mines cave in…this is a measure of a man--that he would lay down his life for a lump of coal, fearlessly pursuing his God-given right to die so that other people might live and reap the benefits of his sacrifice…this is what America is all about….” “Bush! Bush! Bush!” roared a large crowd estimated at thousands by the RNC as they ate free hotdogs and watched a show that included sky divers and daytime fireworks fired off a barge in the muddy stagnant river. “Yuh, see,” said Lott Bull, head of the local Committee for Republicans Are Prudent or CRAP, “all you hafta do is give these little people something free and give ‘em a little bit of entertainment and they eat out of your hands…that Bush is a real hustler.” Unlike many Bush rallies, which are private, this one was open to the public. Standing in front of a workboat which displayed a huge American flag while several coal barges made their way down the river, the scene was reminiscent of his father’s flag-waving campaign against Dukakis. “We thought we’d give these people a treat--and, hell, those hot dogs were all about half spoiled--bought ‘em from the Board of Health confiscation unit, but these people eat this stuff up...” said Dan Bartlett, a Bush aide. “The fireworks were leftover from the 4th of July. We just wanted to send Bush off to the debates with a bang.” “And he certainly is going off to the debates with a bang,” said Ima Hoor, well-known entrepreneur who travels with the Bush Campaign, from her place of business at the local West Virginia Hotel Sex. “We had a late-night therapy session last night and it is my observation that George has the balls to win this debate, but lacks the necessary thrust to bring this event to a climax.” “I don’t know if he has the balls or not,” said Handa Love, an assistant to Ms. Hoor. “It has been my observation that Mr. Bush has been more than a little deceptive in his approach and there is little truth in his packaging. It seems to me that he is hiding something.” It is rumored that a group who promotes honesty in journalism has uncovered a story regarding Bush’s alleged service in the Texas National Guard and has proof that he was in fact AWOL during the year 1972-73. Bush says he served with the 187th Tactical Reconnaissance Squadron based outside Montgomery, Alabama, but a General Turnipseed says he did not even see him and there are no records to attest to his having served. Bush maintains that he was on a secret secret mission. “My dad was even then working for the CIA,” he said today, as he brushed the mud from his robe, his propeller spinning out of control, “and I was his deputy. I was assigned to work for his friend, William Blount, who was running for Congress. I cannot tell you where I was because it is a secret. I am sworn to secrecy. I was also assigned to the ultra-secret unit that in turn was assigned to the Montgomery, Alabama, border line to keep it safe from any Viet Cong in the vicinity. I would like to tell you more, but my plane just never got off the ground.” “We are tired of all this speculation,” said Ari Fleischer, Karen Hughes, and Karl Rove in unison. “We paid $19,000 to a lawyer named Harriet Miers, when our candidate was running for Governor, to put a lid on this. The documents are missing. If the documents are missing, then there is nothing to back this story up. The lid is sealed.” And as self-styled-above-average Dick Cheney slips and slides in oil slicks in the various back parking lots he frequents to avoid the common folk and Karen Hughes undauntingly pursues votes by turning herself into the rich man’s lot lizard, the orchestration for future debates is complete with the addition to the orchestra pit of Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Ralph Reed, Jimmy Swaggart, and the Bob Jones University Colorless Choir led by Charlton Heston, vocals by Oliver North, lyrics by Lynne Cheney who is standing in for slick Dick who is suffering from average-man phobia, with filming and editing by the Fox Network. Will Mr. Average Man take de bait? To be continued…. …And Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said, as she brushed her lush black hair and fluttered her long eyelashes over her limpid brown eyes and tried once again to close the zipper on her nylon jumpsuit over her voluptuous body with her breasts straining to be free, her pert nipples outlined against the fabric, “What’s a Gilligan?” …While Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez put his power-driven Bridgestone-Firestone Tire into overdrive today and clutched his Mickey Mouse as he avoided a huge breaker in the Atlantic Ocean, crossed himself, blest himself, ate a communion waiver, sipped some communion wine, and sprinkled himself with holy water, he confessed to himself, “Forgive me father for I have sinned..…” (Confessions are in strict confidence………) To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY***** M
What Republican candidate’s father, who was Answer: George W.hoops Bush…his father’s son in more ways than one…I tell you, it’s in their genes…. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2000***** Try to pick up the pieces of your brain…and if you can pick up a piece you may be able to solve your problem….
…God Bless America and help us, please, to deliver those absentees…SAG Q Q Q Q Q *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2000***** M George W.hoops Bush sent his aides home Sunday after two days of debate preparations at his ranch near Waco, Texas. He was later seen going for a run, taking a walk with his wife Laura, and conversing with her as she chopped cedar on their property. Monday he appeared at a rally in Huntington, West Virginia. “I am relapsed and confident,” said Bush. “I am clearing my schedule so I can rest and memorize my answers for the rebate on Tuesday.” “We are sure he is ready as he’s ever going to be,” said Ari Fleischer, spokesman for the Bush Campaign, as he gulped his Xanax, took his blood pressure meds, and paced the padded floor of the compound located near Waco, Texas. “I know for sure that he is going to say, ‘I can lead’ about 10 times, ‘let me be your leader’ at least 15 times, and ‘I am for real people’ at least 6 times, with some ‘compassionate conservatives’ thrown in along with a few ‘I don’t trust Al Gores’ and a couple of ‘Leave No Child Behinds,’ but the rest of the time I don’t know what the hell he’s gonna say.” “We don’t want to overtrain him,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, as she unfastened his bib, burped him, and put him down for his nap. “He can memorize things well, and I think we have him programmed. I just hope that things come in on the right channel.” “We are really optimistic,” said Rose Glass, another campaign aide. “Our candidate fooled the people in Texas when he ran against Ann Richards--he was a failed businessman with no political experience whatsoever except the time he was defeated in his bid for a House seat, and a record that would make a practiced con blush and we got him in anyway. With his dad’s money and the favors he can call in, I think we’re a sure thing.” “Oh, he’s a slippery little failed oil-man-baseball-manager-executive,” said Ann Richard, ex-Governor of Texas. “When he ran against me for the Governorship in ‘94, his claim was ‘vote for me, I have held no political office...’ and when I called him on that, he would say ‘Sure, I ran for Congress, but I didn’t get elected...I’ve never HELD public office. He may not be book smart but he’s crook smart. He would say, ‘I proudly proclaim I have held no public office’...it gives me time to think.” Alan Schroeder, author of “Presidential Debates: Forty Years of High-Risk TV,” or “Who Took Debate?” said, “Here we have one candidate who is strong on issues and typecast by the media as short on personality, then we have Bush who is strong on personality and short on brains and issues. The question hanging over Bush is ‘Will he seem informed? And will he seem intelligent?’ And the key word is ‘seemed.’” “We have been sending him to the Ronald Reagan School of Acting, and I think he will appear to be at least as intelligent as Reagan--maybe a little smarter than Gerald Ford and almost a replica of his father,” Karen Hughes said this morning. “He just about has Ronnie’s walk down pat, occasionally sprinkles a few ‘wells’ throughout his conversation, and has Reagan’s blank stare almost nailed.” Secret sources say that he now calls his wife Laura “Nancy-Pants” and “mommy,” has taken to wearing plaid shirts and blue jeans, and has told his staff to call him “the Gipper.” “He also is quite adept in Reagan’s old standby phrase “I don’t remember,” said Ms. Hughes. Other informants say that he calls his twin daughters “Maureen” and “Bonzo.” This no doubt alludes to Reagan’s daughter and the monkey he starred with in “Bed Time for Bonzo” and “Bonzo Goes to College.” The reference to the monkey is understandable,” said Ms. Hughes defensively. “George is a swinger.” Another aide revealed today that the candidate’s wife Laura has completed her studies at the Nancy-Pantsy School of Dramatic Arts and can now stand and stare at her husband for as long as 15 minutes at a time. “That’s an endurance record,” said Ado Ring, her instructor. “Now all we have to do is get Laura to start carrying a shopping bag with George’s love letter in it.” Austin School Superintendent Holden MaGroin revealed today that Candidate Bush has finished his remedial reading classes, can read the first grade primer all the way through, and now knows where Spot is. “He is having trouble identifying Dick and Jane but that is understandable. We overlooked that and attributed it to the fact that his running mate is Dick Cheney--did you ever notice that guy’s funny walk?” To which Thor Rectum, a loyal aide to Mr. Cheney, replied, “In defense of Dick, Holden MaGroin would walk funny too if he had a cob up HIS ass….” ...And on the Atlantic Ocean, Littlest Saint Alien Gonzalez has quit playing with his Mickey Mouse and is steering his power-equipped Firestone-Bridgestone tire in a path due to get him safely and promptly to the shores of the USA before the month is over. Speaking today to Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye by radio, the Littlest Saint said, as he studied his course and counted his waivers, “I think I shall be there chust in time to help these Bush get that broad support in Florida. I hope he ees there so he and hees brothair can help me unload my cargo….” ...And Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, as she again donned the traditional headdress revealing her perfect oval face, fluttered her long eyelashes over her limpid brown eyes, and tried to zip the zipper on her white nylon skin-tight jumpsuit that revealed her voluptuous body, her breasts playing hide-and-seek as they struggled to be free, looked at her widening backside in a full-length mirror, and said, “Yesss, I weel be geeeving heem some broad support alright…I wondair if that Bush is whacked?” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY***** M
What Republican-Presidential-Governor-of-Texas- Answer: George W.hoops Bush. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE TUESDAY, OCTOBER 3, 2000***** Some time you feel like a nut. That’s because you are. ...God Bless America and let Bush get Gored...SAG Q Q Q Q Q *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2000***** M With the debate between Vice President Al Gore and Texas Governor George W. Bush drawing closer and closer, the unsolved mystery of who sent Bush’s great debate practice tape to the Gore campaign is becoming a hot topic. Hunter Down, a Justice official, said Saturday, “We have not singled out a prime suspect in this matter. We don’t even know if a law has been violated. In order to properly determine if one of the thieves who is working for either campaign is guilty, we are first launching an investigation in search of any laws that may have been broken.” Sources say that Congress has been consulted and that Congressman Dan Burton (R-Ind.) is now serving subpoenas upon various agencies to testify in this newest Congressional investigation. “I think we should hire an independent counsel,” said Dan (“The Nose”) Burton, Saturday. “We Republicans on the Hill demand to know how the law that covers this dastardly crime became missing from the books.” From the Washington, DC, Republican Headquarters located at Kinko’s On The Green, RNC spokesman Printem Fast said today, “I know that law is there because we just printed it up last night and mailed it to Congressman Henry Hyde. As soon as I heard the law was missing, I immediately contacted Ken Starr who contacted Robert Ray who contacted Jesse Ventura. I now feel the matter is in the proper hands.” “Ever since Thomas Downey turned that tape from the Bush campaign over to the FBI there has been trouble,” said Hans Cuff, an official of the Justice Department and assistant to Justice Department Head Louis Freeh. “I don’t see why Downey couldn’t have kept his mouth shut and made use of the damned tape like a normal politician would have and spared us all this investigation.” Currently, a prime suspect in the Debate Tape Rape is Yvette Lozano, an administrative assistant at the firm Maverick Media and graduate of the Rosemary Wood Secretarial School. “Nonsense,” said Mindy Pucker Tucker of the Bush campaign staff. “Yvette has always been loyal to the Governor. The fact that she was caught slipping vodka in his orange juice in Clearwater, Florida, whiskey in his coffee in Bakersfield, California, brewed him some marijuana “health” tea just before he almost landed in St. Louis, hid his lucky elephant so that he could not sleep, and glued his Roman sandals to the floor in Pittsburgh has nothing to do with the missing tape.” Nevertheless, Justice Department officials have had Ms. Lozano fingerprinted twice and have also fingerprinted her boss, Mark McKinnon, a top media adviser with the Bush campaign. Ms. Lozano was last fingerprinted on Thursday, the same day she turned over the computers in her home. “We even have videotapes of her mailing a package from the same post office from which the Debate Tapes were mailed just before that carrier shot the clerk,” said Mr. Down. “I feel like I’ve been victimized,” said a harried McKinnon, as he washed the stain from his hands. “Yvette was only mailing a pair of khaki pants to The Gap. I had left the Debate Tape in a pocket and she just happened to get the wrong address on the package. It’s as simple as one, two, Freeh. I guess from now on Yvette will just have to stay out of my pants.” “We intend to get to the bottom of this,” said Henry Hyde, Asa Hutchinson, Bob Barr, Lyndsey Graham, Bob Livingston, Trent Lott, and Tom DeLay in unison, as they emerged from the Congressional restroom. “We feel this is a big stink and that the very moral fiber of the nation is at stake. We intend to see that the Justice Department enforces that missing law and does it fast. If we have to, we will print another one.” Interviewed at his ranch near Waco, Texas, just before he took his Prozac today, George W.hoops Bush said, “I’m confident that no one who supports my candidacy would have mailed that tape. I have compassion for Mark McKinnon and his cocky pants. But one thing I know is that one of the common denomanominators I have found is that expectations rise above that which is expected and makes all things possabubble. I am a person who recognized the fallacy of humans, as I am one. Now I hope that Al Gore makes energy an issue. I have as much energy as he has and that is no big deal. It is clear that our nation is dependent on foreign oil, as more and more of our imports come from overseas. Why do you think we fought the Great Golf War and used up all those studs? We need reform in this country. We need to rid it of the Vietnam syndrome. We need to imprison for life anyone who is caught with possession of even one gram of cocaine. We need to try 14-year-olds as adults, lower the death penalty age to 16. We need to build prisons to house these vicious teenagers. We need boot camps, more reform schools. We need to show our children we love them.” …And Little Souped-Up Saint Alien Gonzalez, adrift in his new Firestone-Bridgestone tire, is rapidly making his way across the Atlantic Ocean to the U.S. Coastguard Pilot Bleu Skye, who is monitoring the Littlest Saint’s progress from the sky, said today, “He’s just sittin’ there with a big smile on his face playing with his Mickey Mouse.” …Below deck of the Good Ship RNC, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana sits peering out her stateroom window, and as she brushes her long black locks causing her heaving breasts to strain against the nylon jumpsuit outlining the pert nipples, she brushes a tear from her limpid long-lashed eyes and bites a full pouty lip, and she says, “H’aisle geef thaht son huffa beech a leetle broad support….” …And Governor George W.hoops Bush of Texas sits on the private pier at Governor Jeb Bush’s private estate, and as he stares into the void and dreamily innnnhales a funny cigarette, he says to no one in particular, “I wonder if there’s a difference between privatize and private eyes?” To be continued…. *****The SAGMEISTER Weather***** *****The SAGMEISTER Traffic***** *****The SAGMEISTER Sports***** *****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY***** M
What Republican Presidential Candidate’s father claimed Answer: George W.hoops Bush. I told you, folkz--all those Bush monkeys come from the same family tree. * * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, OCTOBER 2, 2000***** You may feel a bit overwhelmed with all the things on your to-do list as the week begins. A bit of advice--one thing at a time. Do the football team this week and save the basketball team for next. Get a handle on things. …God Bless America and help Al decide Bush’s fate when they meet in the great debate...SAG *****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET***** Ladies and Gentlemen… …And good mornin’ to yuh …Amen and Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
a compassionate man, and yet holds the record for most executions in the US? His record
is 37 dead in 1997, and he is going to
break his record this year, with 33 to date and five more to go
before the end of the year. Monday, when his state
claimed its last victim, he was seen laughing and talking, just
minutes before the execution took place.
M
Pressure building….
Bush/Cheney going flat….
Gore scores….
nine times in his acceptance speech, has made as high as 20 references to “character” in other speeches,
and has even pledged doubling funding for “character education,”
when he is the character that went AWOL, evading service
to his country in the year 1972-73?
M
Intense heat…Unseasonably warmmmmm….
Candidates watching signals….
Score tied…but nothing is even….
Vice President at the time, thanked Oliver North in 1985 for “dedication
and tireless work with ‘the hostage thing
in Central America’” and then denied even knowing about
the Contra effort until late 1986?
M
Pressure building on debate front….
Candidates trying to pass….
Gore preparing knock-out punch….
Compassionate-Conservative-Blue-Prints-for-Real-People-Leave-No-Child-Behind candidate
who holds the record for most state-murdered executions campaigned
on the theme in ‘94 that 14-year-olds should be tried as adults, capital punishment
should be applied to 16-year-olds, boot camps established, more
reformatories built, and then closed his speech with “We must show our children
we love them...” ...and got elected?
M
Hot and hotter as pressure builds….
Bush/Cheney lane well oiled….
Cheney in strike-out zone….
executive privilege in 1989 to avoid testifying in the Oliver North trial, thus
becoming the first President to use this power to keep
his acts as Vice President secret?
M
SUNDAY, OCTOBER 1, 2000
on this 1st Sunday in October in this election year….
I see yuh a sittin’ there...amen…
some of you fresh as a glass of squozen apple cider...amen...
and some of yuhs has still got that SLEEP in yore eyes,
Amen and halleluiah…
…walkin’ around in yore sleep...a tryin, amen,
to find yore way in this here world...sorta FEELIN’ yore way...
with yore eyes closed...BLINDFOLDED…
as to whut is agoin’ on all around yuh…amen….
Well, Brothers and Sisters, I just got one word for yuh…
WAKE UP!!!!
…This here is the time yuh should be on yore TOES,
Amen and halleluiah…
be on TOP of things...hear the voices that is callin’ out…
tryin’ to TRICK you and deceive you, amen...
…tellin’ you that they got the ANSWERS to yore PROBLEMS...amen,
and they can make yore life BETTER...and richer
and they GUIDE you to a heavin’ on earth…. Well, they hain’t…
Amen and halleluiah….
You got a RICH BOY
who never had to work fer a thing in his ENTIRE life…
…a guy who stayed out of the Vietnam War not
because he didn’t believe in the war…as President Clinton,
not a CONSCIENTIOUS OBJECTER...amen…
BUT JUST A RICH BOY
WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BETTER ’N YOU OR YORE FRIENDS…amen…
and he EVADED the service through strings
only one of the PRIVILEGED COULD PULL….
And his running mate…
who evaded the war because HE HAD OTHER PRIORITIES… amen…
and then you got the other guy…who donned his country’s uniform…
and went to ‘Nam…and wrote about that war…
exposed himself to danger…no matter what they say…
and you have that choice…
the RICH BOY who wants to be president, amen, for his own selfish reasons…
…or the MAN…
who wants to be president because he has dedicated himself to government service...
Amen and halleluiah….
So you think it over…see what you come up with…amen.…
Think about YOUR future…about YOUR PRIORITIES…
and if them priorities is a roof over yore head…
a job…food on yore table…
THEN send that rich boy back to Texas….
Rub that SLEEP out of yore eyes….
wake up...amen…
before you find yoreselves…
…in yore…
…worse nightmare.…