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******* Gore 2000! *******
*****SAGMEISTER’S NEWS ~~ SEPTEMBER 2000*****
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2000
SPOKANE, WA: Sounding his new slogan, “Kiss A Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass,” Governor-Presidential Candidate George W.hoops Bush kissed his way into an elementary school in Beaverton, Oregon, 10 miles west of Portland, on Wednesday, where he spoke of an education recession. Clad in his newly polished Roman sandals, carrying his rosary-entwined imitation leather Bible, his robe still stained by Florida mud, he spoke to a large assemblage estimated to be 35 or 40 people. With the propeller atop his yarmulke spinning wildly, Bush outlined his proposals to improve grade school reading, expand scholarship programs, and his school voucher plans.
“I’m so proud of him,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday. “He has traveled nonstop and is so dedicated. Do you know he has not even taken time out to change clothes for over a week? He is so wound up--it almost like he’s on something,” she added as she counted out the Candidate’s amphetamines.
“He is so full of shit on this education thing,” said Reed Book, president of United Readers Project or URP. “The Federal government doesn’t have anything to say about the kids curriculum--those decisions are made by state and local officials. He’s talking through his yarmulke again.”
The RNC released a statement regarding Mr. Bush’s education program, saying, “Although our Candidate is himself unable to read, we feel that he is on the right track when he proposes new legislation regarding the education of our children. It is time that this country recognizes that the poor are always going to be with us, and the rich deserve good private schools. This will serve as an incentive to the monetarily challenged. By observing the rich private school system provided by the government if the Governor is elected, they may be inspired and know that they have provided with their taxes a means by which they, too, may someday be one of the privileged if they work hard enough and save just a little of their $5.25 minimum wage jobs. Our survey shows that although most of the working poor work 2-3 jobs and would not have time to devote to an education such as their rich counterparts would have, the Governor’s plan would enable them to contribute to the education of others which would greatly enrich their souls.”
Candidate Bush said today, as he read from a text which he was holding upside down, “I already knowed that about the Federal government not having much to do with education--I learned that from the Republican Congress.”
SPRINGFIELD, OH: Big Dick Cheney continued his attacks on Vice President Gore on Wednesday, saying that the Democratic Presidential Candidate has a conflict of interest involving stocks and oil prices.
“Mr. Gore is for a policy that would benefit Occidental Petroleum--a company whose stock is held in trust by Mr. Gore’s mother. He should recuse himself from participating in any energy decisions. I, myself, have put my $20 million retirement policy, given to me by Halliburton Oil, in a trust. My wife has her $10 million in a trust. My daughters have their $5 million in trust, and the profits I will make from the higher gas and fuel bills the American will have to pay will also go in trust.”
Rumor is that the RNC is a little nervous about Mr. Cheney’s behavior on the campaign trail. “Nonsense,” said Ari Fleischer, spokesman for the Bush campaign. “Mr. Cheney did not sneak out the back door nor fail to shake hands at that fundraiser in Michigan on Wednesday. He is not snobby or stand-offish. He merely is exercising his rights as an individual just as he did during the Vietnam war when he recused himself--Mr. Cheney has other priorities.”
NEW YORK, NY: First Lady Hillary Clinton has reached the over 50% mark in her battle against R-NY Rick Lazio in her quest for election to the US senate. “He should not have browbeat her in that debate,” said Moanin Lowe, spokesman for the Lazio campaign. We all tried to tell him, but noooooooo….”
Rumors are that many people in New York State think that Lazio looks too young and does not have the poise to be a United States Senator. “I was going to vote for him,” said Mann Date of Brooklyn. “But then I remembered where I had seen him last. By God, it was on a pair of rollerblades in Central Park, when all those women were molested last spring at the Puerto Rican parade. He was coming on to this broad--grabbed her and threw her to the ground.”
“Mr. Lazio denies this,” said Helen Fyre, president of Earnest Feminine Feminists United, or EFF U. “But he is only another woman-bashing Republican. They are against women’s abortion rights--and are trying to keep us where they want us--on the bottom.”
Mr. Lazio said, as he emerged from a home owned by Ima Hoor, well-known entrepreneur and supporter of Governor Bush. “Miss Fyre is mistaken. I love all women. As often as I can.” Asked if he had anything to add, Mr. Lazio said, as he zipped his fly, “I think my above statement is sufficient. I am merely trying to stay on top of things.”
WASHINGTON, DC: Activists on both side of the abortion question said yesterday that the release of the abortion pill, RU-486, will force them to alter their tactics and countertactics.
“We will continue to bomb, shoot, harass, and otherwise block any efforts of the OB/GYNs who try to dispense this pill,” whinnied Trojan Horse, spokesman for Operation Rescue. Others spoke of expanding their list of targets. “We value life,” whined Karrie Onn, president of the Christian Coalition, as she loaded her pearl-handled revolver and placed her double-barrel shotgun in the Save Our Women van she was driving. “And I’ll shoot any son-of-a-bitchin’ abortionist that gets in my way, to prove it.”
Miss Onn could not talk longer. Saying that she was on her way to Texas to witness another execution, she clutched her Pat Robertson bible as she adeptly sidestepped a mud puddle and drove off in the van bearing the letters SOW.
…And adrift in his Firestone-Bridgestone tire, Little Saint Alien Gonzalez appeared to making rapid progress in his voyage to the States. The little traveler was spotted from the Coast Guard plane piloted by Pilot Bleu Skye, who reported that the little Saint had finally gotten the cap off from his thermos and was supping his pea soup around noon today. “That kid is a little trooper,” said Pilot Skye in admiration. “He’ll probably increase his time now that the RNC has him all souped up.”
…And Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, alone in a stateroom aboard the Good Ship RNC, zipped her white nylon jumpsuit over her straining pulsating breasts, bound her long flowing black hair into the traditional headdress, dried her dark limpid eyes, and controlled the trembling of her full pouty lips, as she said, “Do they theenk hi ham loco? Ooo duh ‘ell evair ‘eard huff makeeeng huh rahdio from huh coconut shale?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Bush putting on front as pressure builds….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush trying to avoid pot holes….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush looking for hit….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Presidential Candidate’s father, as President,
signed an S&L bailout bill promising that “these problems will never happen again,”
knowing this would get his son Neil, and the Candidate’s brother,
off the hook? Whose brother acted as consultant in a communications deal
with China during his father’s administration and collected
a tidy $250,000 for this?
M
Answer: …George W.hoops Bush. …It’s all in the family, folks.…
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, SEPTEMBER 30, 2000*****
How long did you think you could go on like this? Things were bound to change once your lover found out your secret. Take that rolled up bandana out of your crotch. See if you have the balls to act like a man.
…God Bless America and let the Demo mule kick hell outa Bush’s re-tool…SAG
~MATTEFFECT~
~Message Board~
the matte effect;
an impure mixture of sulfides and copper producing a flat finish.
in the cinema, a trick of forced perspective
creating the illusion of great size or scope.
in the political parlence
it has,
so far,
explained bush's lead in the polls.
...matt
Bruno's Political Mayhem!!
~~Message Board~~
This Lick Bush
Webring
site is owned by
SAG. Want to join the The Lick Bush Webring? |
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GORE WENT TO 'NAM; BUSH WENT AWOL!
you'll wanna check this one out!
WHO POISONED THE WHITE RIVER, INDIANA?
"REDEMPTION" ~~ an online novel in progress
Gore Went to 'Nam - Bush went AWOL
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2000*****
M Former President George Bush, who knows what it’s like to lose a lead in national polls, returned to the campaign trail Wednesday to help bolster the Presidential bid of his son, George W.hoops Bush. The elder Bush has enthusiastically joined in the Republican Kissing Krusade. On Wednesday, as he stumped in Cantrall, Ill., his lips swollen after over 35 years of kissing, Bush said, “Well, it’s getting down to the wire and I wanted to do everything I could to help the little dumbass.”
Mr. Bush was making an appearance at the National Farm Progress Show and found the kissing delightful. Making his rounds, kissing everyone with whom he came in contact, his swift adept way of placing his lips on the cheeks of everyone present belied his age. “He’s not getting older, he’s getting better,” said 65-year-old Ima Hamhock, who was chosen for the 4th year in a row as the annual show’s Miss Pork Cuisine. “I remember Bush from the 1970s and the Nixon Administration where he was really quite accomplished in the art of kissing, he was even more adept at it under the Reagan Administration, and he came upon his own during his term as President, but he really seems now to just be hitting his stride.”
Mr. Bush was a surprise guest at the show. In a well-orchestrated maneuver, the ex-President jumped from a blue-and-white 757 bearing the new Republican slogan, “Kiss A Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass,” and to the strains of “I Get By With A Little Help From My Friends” played by the Deliverance High School Band. The Republican candidate’s father landed in a field of clover, as the sponsors of this year’s Farm Show greeted him. “I knew he would land on his feet,” said Lot Bull, as he pulled his pants up and wiped the remnants of a kiss from his cheek. Mr. Bull, the RNC’s official greeter from the Illinois area, continued, “George has had a lot of practice in pulling those strings and he isn’t going to bail out on us now.”
Acknowledging that it was hard to talk with both lips planted on someone’s cheeks, he nevertheless gave a 10-minute speech in which he said, “I’m not in the issues business anymore.” Between shaking hands as he stood in the exhibitors’ tent next to the Family Values Tent next to the I’ve Got Mine, You Get Yours Tent, Mr. Bush gave a rousing speech on character. “I am no longer interested in issues,” said Bush. “I am talking about a wonderful human being--we need a little integrity and honor back in the White House.”
As the huge crowd of 25 or 30 people listened, and still clad in his jumpsuit, wrapped in a golden parachute, and wearing one of George Jr.’s yarmulkes with the spinning propeller, the elder Bush said, “Way back in 1937 when Prescott Bush’s investment firm first set up a deal for the Luftwaffe so it could obtain tetraethyl lead, my family has been active in foreign trade. In 1966, when I was elected to Congress, I had the privilege of being backed, as my son is now, by people who represent what is good about America.”
Bush had harsh words for “extremists” on the environment who would promote policies against further oil drilling and against building foreign markets. “The Clinton/Gore people have opposed Alaskan oil drilling because they are afraid it would hurt the caribou count,” adding that “caribou is just like people--give ‘em a nice warm pipeline and they make love and produce more caribou.”
Upon hearing this statement, the people in charge of the Family Values Tent immediately offered up a prayer and closed their tent. Later, Ms. Eyem Pure was questioned on her position and, as she hastily emerged from the I Got Mine, You Get Yours Tent, and fastened her bra and wiped a smile from her face, she said, “We of the Family Values of the Republican party, while supporting George W. Bush for President, nevertheless feel that his father’s statement regarding warm pipelines as instruments to reproduction was completely out of line with our program which promotes abstinence. However, due to internal pressure, we have decided to join the Kissing Krusade.” “This proves how united this party is in an effort to bring this moral young man to the White House,” said the GOP spokesman from his Republican tent located at Kinko’s on the Green. “The personal sacrifices that the ordinary people make are astounding.”
Bush said his wife still gives her children advice. “Barb is always there for them,” he said, speaking glowingly of his wife. “Ever since young George graduated high school at the age of 27, she has been there monitoring his progress. When he won the Barbara Bush scholarship for gifted students to Harvard, no one was more surprised than she, and she is always there for him to grease his path.”
Well-known thief and Governor of Illinois, George Ryan, appeared at the Family Values Tent and was seen returning George H. W. Bush’s kiss, in keeping with the theme of the week. “I am sorry that I could not attend this Farm Progress Show with the ex-President, but I just now got home from making some deals in Mexico and my delay was unavoidable,” said Ryan as he received kisses from various GOP big wigs.
As the elder Bush left for a lengthy interview on PBS, he recalled how Gov. Ann Richards had laughingly referred to George W. as “shrub” and had said that he was born with a silver spoon in his mouth. “He showed her where she could shove that spoon,” said George H. W. “Now let’s talk some more about family values....”
…And on the high seas on the Atlantic Ocean, Little Saint Alien Gonzalez was seen today by the Coast Guard as he clung to the Firestone-Bridgestone tire in his fearless effort to reach the shores of the US. “He looked like he was holding up fine,” said Coast Guard Pilot Bleu Skye. “He was just holding on to his Mickey Mouse.”
…And, as she brushed her long dark hair back from her shoulders, exposing her bulging breasts with the pert nipples straining against her white nylon jumpsuit, her dark eyes limpid pools, her pouty mouth trembling, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said, “Hi’ll skeeper heem, thee son huf a beech--three hours? Thaht ees no crooce….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Pressure is building….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Democrats running into snags….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush calling on reserves….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President, who is
pointing accusing fingers at his opposition regarding the “debate tape,” had
a father who, along with Ronald Reagan, received stolen copies
of Jimmy Carter’s briefing books in the
1980 Presidential campaign?
M
Answer: George of the Bungle…I keep telling you, guyz, it’s all in the genes….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 29, 2000*****
You born today should take a closer look at your newest love interest. Everyone says you look enough alike to be twins. That’s because you are.
…God Bless America and remember it’s not how you play this election game…it’s whether you win…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2000*****
M George W.hoops Bush took his Republican Kissing Krusade and his newest slogan, “Kiss A Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass” to the Larry King show Tuesday night. “Since I was swinging through California, I thought that I would pay a visit to the greatest talk show host in America,” said the candidate, bestowing a kiss on King’s ever-willing ass. “Larry King is the King,” said Bush. “He is apely named.” King, lovely in a low-cut blouse and wearing his GOP suspenders, smiled winningly at the candidate and proceeded to toss him softball questions for an hour of scintillating campaign talk in which George of the Bungle managed to smirk, wink, and look boyishly into the camera as he played to an audience of mostly middle-aged female American voters. “I got those men in my corner,” said the candidate. “Men like men who are men and kick a little ass once in a while--it’s those women that can see through me. They all got that venom intuition.”
As Bush and his wife Laura entered the set, the candidate paused as the cameras found them, clasped his wife to him, and kissed her in grand fashion. “I just want to prove to the United States and Texas that I love my wife every bit as much as Al Gore loves her,” he said. Laura, gasping for breath, was helped to her seat where she sat panting and blue-faced for most of the ensuing hour. She later remarked that “George has kissed so much in the past weeks that I am afraid to be with him in public. He insists on fondling me and kissing me whenever there is a camera near. At home he doesn’t know I even exist, thank God,” she said.
Bush said the recent swings in the polls indicate this is going to be a “really close race.” I am eager to go head to toe, toe to head, shoudder to shudder, and two on one with him at the rebate next week,” he said, as he planted his lips solidly on Mr. King’s cheek. “Although the odds are in his favor, I feel that I will hold my own,” he said, scratching at his crotch. When asked if he had written off any states at this point in time, Bush said, “That’s a tough question, but I think I can carry a majority of all 49.”
“No,” Laura Bush gasped passionately, at last catching her breath. “My husband is not writing anything off. He is going after that broad support and I am going to help him get it. I don’t care how much kissing he has to do from here on out. He has my permission.” Wearing a white tee shirt with the words “Pucker, Sucker” printed in large yellow letters, the brunette Ms. Bush then said she was joining the Republican Kissing Krusade. “I realize that there are women out there who do not like to be kissed by men of the opposite sex,” she said. “Therefore I will kiss every lesbian I can from now until election day, in an all-out endeavor to help my husband be elected--we are confident we can gain that broad support.”
The Republican nominee also predicted that the FBI would soon find out how a bootleg tape of his “rebate reparations” ended up with the Gore camp. “I believe we’re going to get to the bottom of it and I am looking inward to finding out why Jeb did it and why he was not at my last fundraiser,” he said.
However, Tracy Dick, an FBI spokesman, said today, “There’s no investigation--it is just a federal inquiry. We don’t even know if there’s been a violation of the law--Bush is just spinning his yarmulke.”
In Newport Beach, California, wearing his scuffed Roman sandals, his mud-soiled robe, carrying his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible, and with the propeller on his yarmulke adjusted for the proper spin, the Republican candidate told a huge crowd estimated at 500, “Americans are tired of investigations and sandals. The best way to get rid of them is to elect a new President that a Republican Congress will help restore divinity and virginity to the White House.”
“Although I know I am going against conventional wishdom, I am sure we can carry California,” said the candidate just before Karen Hughes, his girl Friday, could safely get him aboard the blue-and-white 757 “Charm Boys” Bush/Cheney campaign aircraft. “I usually try to sedate him, gag him, and put him to bed for his nap,” said the harried Ms. Hughes, looking for her Prozac. “But we cannot find his lucky pillow and there is going to be hell to pay.” Rumor is that if the candidate does not have his lucky elephant pillow when he is put down for his nap he refuses to attend his remedial reading classes. “I don’t need to attend those masses,” said the candidate just before Ms. Hughes inserted the nipple-shaped pacifier that serves as a gag into his mouth. “That woman who said I had dyslexia--I never even interviewed her.”
The California RNC chairman, Marky DeSade, said today from his headquarters at Kinko’s in Sacramento, “This Kissing Krusade is going to work. I can see a big difference, as all the male polls are rising. Our candidate has kissed more since he has been in this state than Al Gore ever thought of. Richard Cheney kissed here, George Sr. has kissed here, Prescott Bush has been here with his Latin tongue, and we are sure that with Laura Bush joining the campaign with her ‘Kissing Krusade for the Gay Brigade,’ we will be getting some response from that group.”
As the Kissing Krusade and the new Republican slogan, “Kiss a Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass,” becomes more accepted across the USA, women everywhere are looking both ways before crossing. “I just don’t know about these people,” said gender-bender May Bee. “First they chastise us, then they baptize us, and now they are kissing our asses. As for Laura Bush? I don’t want her kissing me…I saw her kissing George W.hoops on the King Show…look at where her mouth has been….”
…And on the highs seas of the Atlantic Ocean, Little Saint Alien Gonzalez, his halo at a jaunty tilt, and his Firestone-Bridgestone tire withstanding the waters, clutched his Mickey Mouse doll close to him today and drank his pea soup from a thermos provided by the Bushed Republicans, and waved to the captain of the Good Ship RNC as it cruised alongside him.
…While below deck, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana suddenly sat straight up, her traditional headdress missing, her skin-tight jumpsuit taut against her ample breasts exposing her pert nipples as they heaved with unbridled passion, her dark hair tossed and almost covering her perfect oval face, and her dark eyes sultry as her even white teeth bit her full pouty lips, and she said angrily, “Why deed that son uf ha beech call me Mary Ann?”
…And Captain Mann Ipulate of the RNC smiled to himself and said, “And they thought they were going for a three-hour tour.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
The heat is on….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush not making a dent….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush still in right field…cannot find balls.…
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate’s father was referred to
in the Nixon tapes following Nixon’s re-election, when he decided to get
signed resignations from his whole government
so he could centralize his power?
M
Answer: George W.hoops Bush. When, on the tapes, Nixon says to John Erlichman “Eliminate everyone, except George Bush--Bush will do anything for our cause”…that loud suction noise you hear is an echo of the ‘70 Kissing Krusade.
* * * * *
****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 28, 2000*****
You are very unhappy and don’t know which way to turn. Your gay boyfriend has left you for a woman, and your wife is pregnant by your father. Your mother is sleeping with your sister and your sister has the hots for you. On top of all this, The Jerry Springer Show has just turned you down as being too vulgar for them and your therapist has advised you to commit suicide. Do it.
…God Bless America and don’t let the women abort Al Gore’s broad support…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2000*****
M As George W.hoops Bush continues his campaign across the country in his new crusade, vowing to kiss every woman in America to gain the broad support the RNC feels that he is lacking, the Society for Capering Republicans Under Bush, or SCRUB, announced today that they are capering with a new intensity. “He has put new vigor into our organization,” said Gotit Handy, spokesman for the organization. “We are in back of him 100% and will support his efforts to not leave any woman unkissed. We have volunteered our services.” Mr. Handy said he would be available just as soon as his house arrest is lifted and his leg bracelet removed.
Sounding his new slogan, “Kiss A Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass,” Mr. Bush took his campaign to Spokane, Washington, on Monday, where he digressed from his kissing campaign to talk about education. “I am concerned about the nation’s well being,” said the candidate through bruised lips, his tie askew and his robe flapping in the breeze. The zipper on the fly of his Dockers at half mast, his mud-spattered robe a little tattered, but still holding his imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible and wearing his yarmulke as his propeller continued to spin, he went on, “The people in this nation are facing a crisis in reading. Minority and low-income people is continuing to fail rotten tests--this is a leading dictator of things to come. People who is never going to masturbate reading face a struggle on the cringes of society and will turn to grime and end up in poison.”
Before his staff could stop him, he then outlined his proposals to improve grade school reading, expand scholarship programs, and promised to put a little static in everyone’s quo. “I think that static is very important, statically speaking,” he said, putting an earnest frown on his forehead. “And statics show that the more static that can be generated, the more quid pro is eliminated and thus we find that the attenuation in the masturbation is lessened.”
Karen P. Hughes, Mr. Bush’s girl Friday, said, “He is finally hitting his stride. This speech will serve notice on California that he plans to contest that state until election day. He wouldn’t be going there at a critical point in the campaign if we didn’t think he could win in California,” she said as she opened a new bottle of Xanax.
Mr. Bush certainly does appear to be hitting his stride. Buoyed by new polls that show he is gaining momentum since his kissing crusade was initiated by his appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show, he said in a private interview, “When I am at last sitting in that oval orifice, I will know that this black woman who has pulled herself up from her lowly surroundings that all black people come from, with the exception of Colin Bowel, was the yearning point in my life. Ooprah Godfrey sure carries a lot of weight and taught me a lot about kissing up.”
Aides say that it was on the Oprah Winfrey show that the idea for their new slogan was generated. Indeed, the new slogan was announced the day after the Tuesday visit, and on Friday in Sarasota, Florida, some 5,000 Floridians turned out on a sultry day to cheer the arrival of the blue-and-white 757 with “The Charm Boys--Bush/Cheney” in giant letters on the side. Bush was in peak form, as he moved through the crowd with his father, George Sr., whose pursed lips were ever ready to kiss up to everyone. The candidate’s nephew, Prescott Bush, worked his way through the crowd in his own Latin-tongued way as did his father, Jeb Bush, the Governor of the state and the brother of the seeker of the Presidency. His lips puckered and ready to plant kisses wherever, the Governor, at times drooling, brought up the rear.
In one respect it was a troubling moment for the GOP. “I never thought we would have to bring that dumb son of a bitch back here,” said Dan Bartlett, a spokesman for the campaign. “But here we are. Fewer than 50 days before the election and the state is still up for grabs.” His conversation was interrupted as he reached for a young female voter, patted her on the ass, planted a kiss on her open mouth, looked into her eyes, and said meaningfully, “Vote Bush.”
Many of the GOP Florida Faithful are blaming Florida Governor Jeb Bush, who is the state chairman, for a seeming lack of effort on behalf of his brother. After kissing over 100 women in the crowd without any help from Jeb, the candidate finally took the stage alone and it was only later, in stops in Tampa, Miami, and Orlando, that Jeb appeared disheveled and lipstick smeared to join the campaign. “I am serious in seeking the renumerations,” said Mr. Bush, the candidate running his tongue over his chapped lips. “And if I have to kiss every female of voting age by myself, I’ll do it. I intend to get that broad support.”
“The reason this race is still a toss-up is that we still have a lot of disillusioned people,” said Ari Fleischer, as he applied Chapstick to his pursed lips. Giovanna Nervana-Jones, a longtime Republican and former president of the Kindred In Saving Systems for Aiding Sisters Society, or KISS ASS, said, “we demand that the candidate show himself for our approval. We do not like having pseudo-kissers such as Mr. Fleischer flashing his flesh in our faces. The KISS ASS organization is a dedicated one. Kissing ass is serious business. We will not be monkeyed with.”
Word is that Richard Cheney will not be participating in the Kissing Krusade. “Mr. Cheney has declined,” said spokesman I. M. Crude-Oyl. “He feels that the kissing should be the responsibility of the top of the ticket. Also, Mr. Cheney has kissed his way to the top so often that his suction power appears to be diminishing, and since the campaign is far from over, and the days are growing fewer, we must concentrate on the tail end of the operation and plant our kisses where they will do the most good.”
As this is being written, plans are for Mr. Bush to appear alive on the Larry King, Remotely Alive Show, Tuesday night. Word is that the candidate has been practicing kissing all day and is being instructed by Henry Hyde, Asa Hutchinson, Bob Barr, Lyndsey Graham, and 6th District Representative Dan Burton from Indiana in the fine art of kissing up. “We are showing him films of the impeachment proceedings,” said Congressman Hyde, emerging from the Congressional Cloak Room, unpursing his lips and adjusting his trousers. “…And showing him the right way to kiss ass.…”
…And back in Big Havana in Little Cuba, Little Saint Alien, clutching his sealed waivers and his Mickey Mouse doll, climbed into his new Firestone-Bridgestone replacement tire and, amid much fanfare, departed on his voyage to the States. His trip will be monitored by members of the RNC, who are traveling alongside him in a luxury yacht provided by American Distributors of Halliburton Oil Companies or AD HOC. “AD HOC has been on the sidelines in this event for quite some time,” said spokesman Arman Legg. “And we feel that we can now reveal ourselves. We are merely interested in smoothing oil over troubled waters.”
…And in a luxurious room on board the Good Ship RNC sits Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, her hair loosened from her traditional headdress, her nylon jumpsuit gaping, exposing her lush breasts, her full lips trembling and her dark eyes full of tears, as she whispers almost to herself, “Doze sons huf beeches keednapped me…Hi ham huh osteege huf Beeg Oil….”
…And off the coast of Florida, Governor George Bush, sitting on a private pier owned by Governor Jeb Bush, lights up a doobie, licks his chapped lips, and prepares for the beeg kees-off….
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Cold front persists as Bush seeks broad support….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Dems beware…a muddy road ahead….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney continue to throw foul balls….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Presidential Candidate’s father
established “Team 100”--which grew into 249 individuals
who contributed nearly $25 million in soft money to help the GOP cause
when he was running for President? These contributors were later
rewarded with ambassadorial appointments, legislative favors,
and intervention on regulatory and criminal matters.
M
The candidate? George W.hoops Bush. I told you, folkz, it’s genetic….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 27, 2000*****
As a Republican you have spent September positioning yourself for advantages. You confuse things rather than actually helping. A timely delivery is important. Get on top of things before you touch bottom.
…God Bless America and help the Dems put the scare into the GOP in an October Surprise…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2000*****
M A top spokesman for Texas Governor George W. Bush accused Vice President Gore’s campaign today of possibly planting a spy at Bush headquarters.
Ari Fleischer, whipping-boy/spokesman for the Bush campaign, said Sunday, as he applied salve to his wounds, “It defies credibility that the staff member suspended by the Gore campaign over the weekend is the only official at the Democratic campaign who would know about possible infiltrations of Bush headquarters.” Emerging from the back room where he has been “detained” since the purloined campaign debate tape made an appearance at the DNC, Mr. Fleischer added, “The Bush campaign is full of rats, and moles, not to mention roaches and other insects. I know that the Democrats must be aware of this.”
“We witnessed the Democrat Convention when the Vice President kissed his wife in front of the entire nation and knew at that time that he would do anything to get elected,” continued Mr. Fleischer, trying to hide his black eyes with a huge pair of rose-colored glasses. “There is no precedent for a candidate to stoop to kissing his own wife. That is unheard of in the campaign circles that we go around in. We know he will DO anything…there is now a question--will the Gore campaign SAY anything to get elected?”
It is true that George W.hoops is indeed going around in circles. Buoyed by his appearance on the Oprah Winfrey show where he licked her famous black boots and made long distance love to millions of women via the tube, displaying his boyish smirk as he oozed with charm, Bush is still behind in Florida and is returning there time and again to try to win that state. Monday is designated as the day the candidate reveals his new strategy. Disclosing today that the Republican slogan of the week is “Kiss A Woman, Make A Pass, We’ve Got Charm Up The Ass,” Bush is going from door to door in the state of Florida, kissing anyone that answers. “I will not recriminate,” said the candidate when interviewed as he was descending the walk-up apartment where Louisamaneeza Martinez answered the door. When interviewed, Miss Martinez said that the candidate winked at her, then smiled, patted her on the ass, goosed her, and then bent her back Hollywood fashion and kissed her long and hard. “Eet wass horrrrible,” said Miss Martinez, as she pulled her skirt down. “He reeks hokay, but not weeth sharm...hees bret’, eet ees horrrrible.”
“He just needs some practice,” said Ari Fleischer, who was investigating the mole situation in the new Kinko’s Republican Headquarters in Clearwater, Florida. “As for his breath, Mr. Bush is not used to kissing on the lips. He mostly kisses ass.”
A Mason-Dixon poll conducted Sept. 8-11 and released confirmed beliefs of both campaigns that the race is tightening. “I don’t believe Mason or Dixon,” said George W.hoops when interviewed as he was coming down from being up at the apartment of Jorges Von Dingo, where he had just kissed the 36-year-old house painter. “From what I hear, they just have a good line.”
Nevertheless, the poll gives Bush 45 percent and Gore 43--a statistical dead heat. The same poll had given Bush an edge--47 percent to Gore’s 39 percent--in June. Monday, all the Bushes were gathered in Florida to try to rescue that vital state and put it in Bush’s column for good. “My mom, Barb, and wife, Laura, and my twin daughters, Lou and Sue, are going to constipate on the men,” said George W.hoops, as he was emerging from the Get-A-Little-By-The-Sea Rest Home where he was just putting some finishing touches on his newest strategy. Making sure that his fly was zipped and his off-white robe closed, his propeller going at a rapid rate, he added, “My dad and my nephew Prescott and my brother Jeb are going to help me with the women for that broad support the papers say I am lacking, and I think if we consecrate we can take Florida like Grant took Logansport.”
Ms. Handa Love said today, as she was interviewed on her way home from a neighborhood supermarket, “I was just bending over to look at the produce, and suddenly George H. W. Bush appeared and started sniffing suggestively, then picked up the zucchini, all the time winking and nodding and making gestures--the first thing I knew, he was kissing and fondling me in the melons and had his hand on my tomato, and was whimpering something about voting for Bush and ‘broad support.’ I didn’t know what was going on. But I am certainly voting for Gore. These Bushes are going to get whacked if they try that on me again.”
Prescott Bush was seen coming from the Nancy Reagan School of Charm where he had been kissing the young ladies there in an effort to garner support for his uncle. “Thees young man, hee come here and firs’ ting I know hee ees keesing me right on my leeps,” said Josephinamadeena Cortez. “Hee had hees hand on my breasts and wass sayeeng sometheeng about feeleeng my pultz, and hi ham not even old enuff to vote….”
As the all-out effort continues, more and more women are saying that this is not the way to their hearts or their voting booths. “I would rather they would campaign on the issues,” said Monicaharmonica Drespaz’. “I would rather know about health care and prescription drugs and women’s rights and things like that. The kissing is alright, but sometimes kissers wander and get out of hand.” “Not so,” said Jeb Bush, hastily zipping his fly and checking his condom supply. “We are just trying to even the score. First Florida was ours and then Gore’s. This is the rubber match.”
Neil Bush was absent from Florida and said, when interviewed in his hideout in Laredo, Texas, “I did all my kissing during the Silverado fiasco and that billion dollar failure of the S&L, to get the government to bail me out. I am all kissed out…I don’t see how Jeb can kiss like he does after he got the Feds to pay off $4 million he owed on that failed Florida thrift he had, and my dad’s still kissing away. I remember when Dad spent three nights in a Houston hotel so he could claim Texas residency because Texas has no income tax. And now young George is doing an Old George and kissing everyone he can…the Dems don’t know what they’re foolin’ with here…we Bushes go way back in our kissing…we have kissed our way to China and millions in investments. We have kissed our way to Iran and are in bed with Big Oil…there are no bigger kissers than the Bushes.”
The Republican National Committee revealed from their headquarters in the new Kinko’s in Washington, DC, that their slogan for the week will be “Pucker, Sucker, or Screw You.” “We are aiming for that broad support,” said Karen Hughes, Bush’s girl Friday, as she held him up to keep him from stumbling once again, replaced his gag, and fastened his bib. “Behind every successful man there is a woman…way behind.”
“My champagne is about Real People,” said George W.hoops, spitting out his gag, his yarmulke askew, and his propeller almost out of control, as he refilled his sand bucket with more Florida mud. “We’ve just got to make those mud pies higher.”
…And today, as she stood on the shore of a private pier in Big Havana in Little Cuba and watched as Saint Alien started his 80-mile voyage to the States, as she clutched a GOP elephant talisman to her ample breasts that were emphasized by her sleek nylon jumpsuit, her long thick hair suddenly loosened from the traditional headdress, her dark eyes cloudy with passion, and her full red lips pouting, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana said, “Thees helephant ees my good luck pees. The RNC says hall hi half to do ees kees hees tronk….”
…And Governor George Bush still sat on the private pier at Governor Jeb Bush’s private estate, gazing blankly, still at sea, and said as he slowly innnnhaled, “I hope that little kid and his sister don’t forget them waivers….”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Gore turns up heat….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Democrats right on course…take center lane….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Gore scores. Bush playing catch up….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What former United States President ran for Congress in 1964
as a Goldwater Republican and campaigned against the Civil Rights Act? Who had
a CEO of Big Oil campaigning for him in his re-election campaign in 1966
under the label “Oil Men for Bush”?
M
The answer: George H. W. Bush…the father of Big Oil Man George W.hoops Bush. It’s genetic, folkz….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 26, 2000*****
Republicans born today tend to put their emotional relationships on hold. Your lover does not like this. Who blames him? He is tired of seeing you hold yourself.
…God Bless America and help us keep on track as we try to Bush Whack…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2000*****
M Returning to a state he had hoped to have locked up by now, Republican Presidential nominee George W.hoops Bush touted medical research initiatives at a rally in Florida and took straight aim at claims that his campaign is faltering in that state.
Dressed in what has become his campaign costume of Roman sandals and off-white robe, carrying his ever-present imitation leather rosary-entwined Bible and wearing his yarmulke with the propeller on top spinning wildly, the candidate, holding a sand bucket full of Florida mud, told a crowd of about 500 at the Sarasota airport, “I read something quite amusing the other day--this wishful thinking on behalf of our opponents--they think that they can carry Florida. They don’t understand what’s about to hit them.”
Florida is a cornerstone of the Electoral College structure Bush hopes will lift him to the White House. While once holding a solid lead in the state where his brother is Governor, Bush suddenly has found himself in a dead heat for Florida’s electoral votes.
Trying to recapture his lead, Bush renewed his promise Friday to double funding for the National Institutes of Health and to increase the budget of the National Cancer Institute. Each candidate has been to Florida three times since their respective conventions and Gore is currently leading in that state. “It’s part of a broader picture,” said Willy Vote, who was interviewed at the Sarasota gathering. “Way back when, Jeb said this was a tough state--if you get that POP vote, the “people on paper”--them absentees like he did in that South Carolina primary when they printed all those ballots at their headquarters in Kinko’s--Bush just might eke it out.”
George W.hoops Bush vowed Friday to “get the broad vote.” “I am every bit as good a kisser as Gore,” he said, as he laid one on a startled 45-year-old Wanda Whye. Vowing to kiss every woman in Florida before election day, he worked his way through the crowd, kissing every woman in sight. “I was shocked,” said Izzy A. Mann, a transsexual who was in the crowd. “I was all prepared to go through this sex change, but after that kiss, I think I am going to remain a man. It’s terrible what women have to go through.”
As word spread throughout the Sunshine State, women were declining to attend Bush rallies. “I will not subject myself or the members of my group to being used in this manner,” said May Knott, president of the Power Of Women or POW. “This kissing is getting out of control. I hear that Bush even told poor Wanda to give him a little tongue.”
“Not so,” said Ari Fleischer, spokesman for the Bush campaign. “Our candidate has never inserted his tongue into anyone’s mouth--he merely brushes their lips, and goes on to the next one.”
“Bush is getting desperate,” said a Gore spokesman. “This latest kissing incident in Florida proves that Bush is desperate and will do anything to lick Gore.”
Meanwhile, rumor has spread that there is a “mole” in the Bush campaign. While the contents of the “debate tape” that was mailed to the Democrat Headquarters have never been disclosed, the NEWS has gained a copy of the tape. Following is a transcript, word for word, of the volatile information that the Republicans hoped would remain secret: the text of the Oct 3rd Practice Practice for the Debate tape.
Moderator/Aide: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We are here tonight to discuss policy issues with our candidate and the next President of the United States, George W. Bush.
Bush: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen and boaters everywhere. I hope you and your children of all ages are well this evening.
Aide: Mr. Bush, our topic this evening is foreign affairs….
Bush: Well, the obvious answer to that is that I have never had an affair with any….
Aide: Specifically, we are talking about Italy. Tell the panel and the American people what you know about Italy.
Bush: Italy is the country that is shaped like a boot. That’s about it. Some people live down there in the toe and some live….
Aide: What about their dictator? Their activities in World War II?
Bush: Oh, you mean Benedicto Mussolnavitch? He was part of the Axels. The people got rid of him. He was decapitated.
Aide: I believe he was hung.
Bush: I will not delve into people’s sex lives. Family values are important to me and Jesus Christ is my own….
Aide: What do you know about the small country next to Italy?
Bush: Mongolia? Where all those Mongolian idiots come from?
Aide: Let’s skip that one and go on to your China policy….
Bush: I believe it is covered in case of fire and/or wind and water damage...have to ask the little lady and get back to you on that.
Aide: And Cuba? What do you think of Cuba?
Bush: Cuba Gooding is a very good actor…saw him once in a show about speed….
Aide: Do not say “speed.”
Bush (smiles ingratiatingly, winks, and throws a kiss to the lady in the first row): I would like to say as a token of my…
Aide: Do not say “token.” That implies the word “toke.”
Bush: As a rule, I would not cross that line….
Aide: Do not say “line.” That implies the word “coke.”
Bush (scratches his head, asks questioningly): Man, do you have to be so righteous?
Aide: You do not use the word “right” or anything referring to “right”…that is a target for discussion….
Bush (points to the floor): ...Look! I see a roach…
Aide: Do not say the word “roach.” That implies knowledge of drugs.
Bush (whines): I feel like I’ve been clipped….
Aide: Do NOT say “roach” or “clip” in the same sentence….
Bush (demanding): I want out of this joint….
Aide: NEVER say “joint”…implies knowledge of marijuana….
Bush: This practice is a crime….
Aide: DO NOT mention crime…very vulnerable….
Bush: Let’s take this to a higher plane….
Aide: DO NOT MENTION “plane”…very, very vulnerable….
Bush: I feel like something is missing….
Aide: DO NOT use the word “missing”…very, very, very, vulnerable….
Bush: Keep this up and I’m going AWOL….
Aide: God Almighty….
Bush: I’m thirsty. Got any coke? How much time? Am I one step over the line?
Aide: Sweet Jesus!
…And back in Big Havana in Little Cuba, littler Saint Alien Gonzalez tentatively tested the waters of the Atlantic Ocean as he prepared to embark on his mission to the States. “I ham almost ready,” he said, as he adjusted his halo and checked to make sure his waivers were properly sealed. Sister Monicaramonapamonadesdemoana, in her four-inch heels, nylon jumpsuit, and her traditional headdress, took a deep breath and inhaled the early morning air, her bosoms heaving with the pent-up emotion of finally seeing the Littlest Saint on his way, her dark eyes filled with tears of joy and her full red lips trembling, as she said, “These ees the day that Saint Alien leafs. I weel follow. We must get the RNC ofe the hook een Florida. They are waiteeng for us weeth baited breath.”
…And as Governor George W.hoops Bush sat on the private pier at Governor Jeb Bush’s mansion, still at sea, he peered across the white caps licking the shore and thought about broad support with one question in mind--would he have to kiss Florida good-bye?
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Stormy weather for GOP as chill sets in….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP collides on oil slick road….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney short of goal….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Vice Presidential Candidate, who was the CEO
of Halliburton Oil, urged Big Oil to hike their prices LAST YEAR so that
substantial profits could be realized by them and substantial hardship
would be increased upon YOU?
M
Answer: Republican Veep candidate Richard Cheney…who had his wheels greased by Halliburton with that $20 million dollar retirement package and doesn’t give a good damn about the working man….
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 25, 2000*****
You have been known to hold grudges. Your predicament is your own fault. No one twisted your arm. But since you are a well-known son of a bitch, beware, someone may twist your neck. Be careful of what you say to those you live with. You can trust no one. But you receive good news from your counselor. You do not have an inferiority complex. You are inferior.
…God Bless America and please let the “broad” support for Gore continue as women give Bush the kiss-off …SAG
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 24, 2000
Ladies and Gentlemen of the net, and good mornin’ to yuh
this first Sunday of the Fall Season in the year 2000, amen….
Ahm glad to see yuh here this mornin, amen,
a takin’ time off your daily routine to spend a little time
a CONTEMPLATIN’ all these things we have to contemplate on these days, amen…
...a thinkin’ about the WINTER that is a gonna beset us,
a thinkin’ about the HOLIDAYS and the busy schedules you have,
Amen and halleluiah,
and a thinkin’ on how you’re a gonna make it through this time
that’s approachin’ us…with all the extra expenses
and how yore a gonna put that FOOD on the table, pay those bills,
keep yore head above the sea of OBLIGASHUNS
that is about to DROWN you in these times when GREED
and takin’ advantage of yore fellow man is rampant,
Amen and halleluiah….
And it’s all a gonna come down to one thing and one thing oney, amen,
and that’s how you cast yore VOTE
on that Tuesday that’s a comin’ up, amen…
…that big lucky seven.…I know hit’s a gamble
and I don’t BLIEVE in gamblin’…but that seven on that November day
can be a LUCKY one or A UNLUCKY one, amen….
You can vote for the ones that have given you yore minimum wages,
yore social security, yore civil rights,
yore labor unions that fight ferYOU to make sure you KEEP all those things,
or you can vote for the smooth talkin’ party of BIG OIL
who are a-tryin’ to take all those things away from yuh...amen….
You can follow the trail of that PIE-EYED PIPER from Texas, amen,
or the straight-talker from Tennessee,
Amen and halleluiah….
You can vote for the MAN, amen, who served his country in a uniform
or the RICH BOY, amen, who didn’t and went AWOL
when other less privileged boys were a dyin’….
You can vote for a vice president who has the COURAGE of his convictions, amen,
or a vice president, that oil millionaire, who is a PROFITIN’
everytime you fill up yore gas tank and who said
that when it came to SERVIN’ his country, he had OTHER priorities,
Amen and halleluiah....
Hit’s all up to you…a roll of the dice…a gamble with your future at stake…amen…
this ole preacher man can’t tell you how to vote…amen...
and he hain’t a gonna try….
But if’n you vote for the BOY and overlook the MAN…
may the GOOD LORD help yuh…cuz yore a gonna need it….
Amen and halleluiah.…
And when that winter begins to blow and snow begins to fall,
yore a gonna thank the Good Lord, amen,
for a President that said, “Let my people keep warm…release that there oil, amen,
that they might get through the winter,”
and not two big oil men
who were willing to gamble with yore chances of survivin’….
…Amen and Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2000
DENVER, CO: Richard Cheney, determined to “personally greet” everyone at an event for once, in the newly retooled retooled retooled campaign of Governor George Bush and himself, wandered up to one old cowboy backed up against tree and said, “I’m Dick Cheney, I’m running for Congress, and I’d like your vote.”
“You got it,” said the cowpoke. “That fool we got in there ain’t no damned good.”
“I made a mistake, but I also made a friend,” says Cheney. Cheney is trying to show his lighter side by “dressing down,” being more media friendly, and telling a few jokes when he appears at rallies. “At my stump speeches I am trying to get to the root of things,” Dick said. “My poll may go up, and then again, it may go down and I may get thrown off, but stuff happens…. I believe in the American way…you just gotta keep banging away.”
Ethyl Butane, president of the Luzerne County branch of Council Of Women or COW, a Republican organization, said, “I love Dick. He gives a wonderful presentation and takes his time. I am one contented COW,” she mooed. Asked about Republican politics, she answered as she wiped the manure from one dainty shoe, “We are knee deep in it.”
BAKERSFIELD, CA: A newly retooled retooled Dick Cheney said, on Wednesday, that Bill Clinton let Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein “slip off the hook” on U.S. weapons inspections. “In the Bush Administration, we were all the time going back and making sure that our oil deals were secure, on the excuse that we were checking biological weapons--Clinton has no excuse.”
He added, “I don’t think Saddam poses any kind of war threat, but when my retirement package and many other CEOs’ depends upon this area of the world, it is time we called a halt to the Clinton policies. Al Gore would continue with this. We need someone in that office who understands the dictates of big oil.”
George W.hoops Bush said, “As I stand here in this great Aerospaced Center here in Bakersfield, I promise that if elected my menstruation will spend at least 20 million dollars predicated for weapons research over the next five years and one billion more a year for a millinery pay raise...this will give the average soldier $750.00 more per year, and that’s a lot of numbers.” Reading from a prepared text, fresh from the Republican Headquarters at Kinko’s in Austin, Texas, titled Stump Speech #101: Halliburton Oil Denial, the fiery newly retooled retooled retooled Bush with the snappy retooled slogan, “Real People Leaving No Child Behind As They Move Into An Era Of Responsibility Of Making Blue Prints For More People With A Reformer Who Gets Results,” added, “And Dick and I are not Muppets--it says here….”
AUSTIN, TX: Lynne V. Cheney, wife of the Republican Vice Presidential candidate, in appearances on CBS and CNN, lashed out at Vice President Gore and his running mate, Senator Joseph Lieberman, this week. Ms. Cheney, who has been described as right of Attila the Hun, said, “They’re with a wink and a nod letting the entertainment industry get by with poisoning the minds of our kids. They are hypocrites and phonies,” she said as she winked and nodded at a cameraman trying to get to her “good” side.
Ms. Cheney, who has just undergone a face-lift, appeared in a conservative mink coat, which complimented her newly blond Clairol #3 hair and her alligator skin purse and shoes, and was late for the programs, as she had been speaking at a Conservation Club in the area. “Why can’t they just be honest…” she said.
“We think that women are a key group that are going to come back to Governor Bush in the course of the campaign,” said Bush spokesman Ari Fleischer. “The Bush/Cheney team loves women and wants them to know they support them 100% in all their concerns except abortion rights, equal pay for equal work, family leave, child care, elder care, sick leave benefits, insurance benefits, medical research, and all other endeavors that interfere with the white American male.”
HOLLYWOOD, MD: Vice President Al Gore yesterday reversed a stance he took in February and urged President Clinton to tap the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserve, to drive down the price of heating oil and gasoline before winter. “We cannot just wait around--families need action now,” Mr. Gore said, standing in front of storage tanks at Burch Oil Co., a distributor of home heating fuels and motor oils in St. Mary’s County.
The Bush/Cheney team, standing in front of some corporate bosses comprised of Halliburton Oil drilling outfits and various bank presidents and CEOs, replied that diplomatic pressure should be placed on petroleum exporting countries to increase oil production in the long term. “Mr. Cheney and my dad are personal friends with a lot of those guys and I know they could get something done. You have to misuse some diplomats in dealing with situations like this,” said George W.hoops.
Richard Cheney, who was just handed down a $20 million package from Halliburton Oil, of which he took command after he had made the proper connections during the Gulf War, when he served as Secretary of Defense under the Republican candidate’s father, said, “Mr. Gore is playing politics. This would not help anyone in the short term--5-million-barrel releases are just a drop in the bucket. Mr. Gore thinks he is pretty slick.”
Energy Secretary Bill Richardson says, “You cannot fault the Administration for not having an energy policy when the Republicans have failed to pass that legislation. We are not to blame. I thought that was why we fought the Gulf War.”
On Regis, Thursday morning, Bush said, “We should allow exploitation in the Arctic National Wildlife Reserve. I am sure that the wildlife would stay just as wild as they are now and we need to simulate domestic oil reduction. I know there are a lot of detrimental concerns about this, but I say in all seriosity that this can be done. When I am President you will see a big change in the view as the energy plans will be faltered. We know the drill.” Asked about the Gulf War which occurred under his father’s administration, Bush said, “The Golf War was fought so men could show their balls and wave their clubs.”
That’s oil folks.
…And back in Big Havana in Little Cuba, eighty miles away from the U.S., Sister Monicaramonapamonadesmoana, wearing her four-inch heels, her long black hair hidden under a conservative traditional headdress, her dark eyes flashing as she smiled coyly, her full red lips parting to reveal her even white teeth, her dimples flashing as she adjusted the zipper on her skin-tight white nylon jumpsuit revealing her full bosom, so she could breathe some fresh “hair,” said today, as she waited once again at the out-of-the-way airport in Havana, “I know these ees the day…Alien will be leafing and so weel I...I hear the RNC are combing the Bushes for uss.…”
…And Governor George Bush anxiously patrolled the private out-of-the-way pier at Governor Jeb Bush’s private marina, just off the road from Poppa Bush’s private airstrip, and said, “I’m glad these things is privatized.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Cool front moving in as women give Bush cold shoulder….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney in train wreck….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney team still looking for balls….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Vice Presidential candidate
is blaming the Clinton Administration for the result of the Gulf War
when he himself was Secretary of Defense and his old friend,
George H. W. Bush, was the President who enforced the action? What political
team stands to gain by high oil prices and does not want
emergency oil released to aid the average American
who is paying out the nose for their profits?
M
Answer: ABC…Always Bush/Cheney….
* * * * *
*****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, SEPTEMBER 23, 2000*****
Republicans born today have a chameleon-like ability to adjust and adapt to any circumstance. This will come in handy for as the campaign progresses you will find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. …Put on your waders--you’ll need them to get through the crap your party is slinging.
…God Bless America and let us remember, oil’s well that ends well…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2000*****
M An upbeat, relaxed, medicated, sedated George W.hoops Bush shrugged off his campaign’s recent missteps Wednesday and said he didn’t worry that he appears at a disadvantage in his Presidential race with Democrat Al Gore.
“Why worry?” said the idiot savant of American politics. “I’ve still got a lot of them numbers out there.” The Texas governor has reached out to middle-class and women voters, retooled his retooled retooled campaign, offered a “blueprint for the middle class,” and appeared on the Oprah Winfrey show this week.
Wearing his mud-stained robe, carrying his ever-present rosary-entwined Bible, the propeller on his yarmulke spinning frantically, his sandals scuffed from stubbing his toes, George W.hoops granted an interview with NBC’s Brian Williams on Wednesday. With less than seven weeks to go until the fateful day, Gore is leading in several states.
Bush admitted he was surprised that Gore seemed to have the majority of the female vote. “If it’s a fact that the man planted a magnificent kiss on his wife that caused his poll to rise, I can believe that,” said the candidate. Asked about press coverage, he said, “Don’t think I’m going to be complaining about press coverage just 48 days--and that’s hardly just 2 months--before the election, when they will have the finalist word.”
When Williams mentioned his word flubs, he replied, “I don’t know how many words I misdenounce, but that’s not reportant. What matters is that my heart is not as empty as my mind.” Adding, “My heart is full of love, I have repression for everyone,” he set his propeller on overdrive and announced that he had a plan to “retool” our defeated armed forces, boost military spending, and build a worldwide missile defense system. “I cannot offer dollar figures or pacific proposals before the selection,” he said, “but after I am defected, I will be more concise on these matters.”
According to Bush’s chief foreign policy adviser, ice-skater-piano-player Condoleeza Rice, “he is an excellent decision maker, but you don’t have time on the campaign trail, nor really the resources on the campaign trail, to make decisions of this magnitude.” Miss Rice was late for her therapy session and an appointment with herself, and declined to make any further statements.
“This is a top secret secret plan,” said Richard Cheney, Bush’s running mate, as he looked over the latest campaign strategy printouts from Republican Headquarters at Kinko’s in Austin, Texas. “So secret that it is not even on paper. But don’t worry…remember Nixon’s ‘secret plan’? That’s what got him elected and Bush is just like Nixon--he’s got it all right up here,” he added, pointing to his head, “where it’s safe. Right up here in his asshole.”
The two Republican candidates, determined to win this election for the corporate powers they represent and which have invested so heavily in them, both attacked the country’s national defense system this week. Cheney, who has stated that he did not go to Vietnam because he “had other priorities” blamed Bill Clinton for “letting Saddam off the hook.” “I blame Clinton for failure in our short-arms inspections,” he said, while campaigning in “Aerospace Valley,” an area around Edward Air Force Base in Bakersfield, California. “We had a very robust arms inspection under President Bush and after the Gulf War...we really had it slick.…”
George W.hoops Bush, who says he stayed stateside to protect the borders of Alabama from invasion by the Viet Cong while serving in the Montgomery, Alabama National Guard, said today, when interviewed at American Legion Headquarters where he was reminiscing, “I well remember that great Golf War. A lot of guys lost their balls, couldn’t make a hole in one, and it was harder than hell to find a caddy. I had to chase my own balls, nearly lost my club, and I don’t even want to talk about that little birdy.”
“Our missile defense must be resigned to protect all 51 states,” said Bush, when he spoke at the National Press Club on May 23rd. “The studs must be there in full uniform to protect us. To think what we have desegregated to under Clinton brings absolute terrier to my heart.” Standing in front of an American flag, his hand over his heart as he led the group in prayer, he was the picture of “the dim-witted preppie we all know him to be,” said veteran reporter Frank Speak. “He was the image of his dad when he ran against Dukakis.”
An aide to Bush said that the AWOL former Air National Guardsman “welcomes any comparisons to his father, who served his country well as head of the CIA, Vice President under Nancy Reagan, a President in his own right, and an avid parachutist who knows how to pull the right strings. Candidate Bush merely wishes to explore all alternatives and will not formulate his own plan until he can study the technological and strategic choices from the vantage point of the Oval Office.”
“That’s right,” said Bush, who spoke to reporters as he returned from his Remedial Reading Classes and rehearsals at the Ronald Reagan School of Acting. “I am going to abhore the returnatives and will not be degauging in the formulation of a new scan until I can look over the Eurological and freakish choices from the disadvantage of the Oral Office.”
“What the Governor means,” said Ms. Rice, pulling her hair and biting her lip as she popped a Xanax, “is that defense is a high priority, and that he will find the resources to do it, but we do not have a number.”
“Condosleeza is right,” said George W.hoops, his propeller almost out of control. “I am very high on the majority over the fence and I will find the remorses to do it, but I do not have any lumber.”
At this point, Karen Hughes, Bush’s “girl Friday,” dressed in her nurse’s uniform and looking distraught as she swallowed a Valium, appeared and led the candidate away. “It’s time for your nap,” she said, as she unstrapped his scuffed Roman sandals and helped him slip into his Dr. Dentons before replacing his gag. “Come here Lenny, and I’ll tell you about the rabbits....”
As Bush’s gaffes continue and the time grows shorter, the Republican campaign is becoming more intense and the GOP is getting meaner. Bush had 40 percent and Gore 39 percent nationally in the Voter.com Battleground poll released Wednesday. Gore had 48 percent nationally in the CNN/USA/Today Gallup tracking poll. Gore is leading 46-36 in Arizona, Gore is up by 8 points in Michigan, 15 points in Illinois, and 18 points in Pennsylvania, with New York State and California thought to be a lock. Women are overwhelmingly choosing Gore as their candidate.
Late Thursday, rubbing the sleep from his eyes and sucking on his thumb, Bush said, “It’s all about that damned kiss--that’s where he’s getting that broad support....”
…And in Big Havana in Little Cuba, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesmoana attended mass this morning. Clad in her nylon jumpsuit, her bosoms heaving with the emotion of pent up sorrow, her hair in the age-old headdress revealing her perfect oval face, her full red lips trembling, tears running down her cheeks as her sultry dark eyes wept, she said as she left the confessional, “Hi ham sad. The high-shacker took my plane, but I weel be hokay--the priest, he gave me a Hail Mary pass….”
…And in Governor Jeb Bush’s mansion in Florida, Governor George Bush of Texas continued to look at sea, and said, as he rolled a doobie and innnnnhaled, “Jeb, now I know why they call ‘em high jackers.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Democrats play it cool…Republicans in hot water….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Democrats detour--there’s a muddy road ahead….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
GOP fit to be tied….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Presidential candidate continues
to criticize the strength of our armed forces, thus putting us all at risk,
for the sake of making a dubious political point and
now says that he has a “secret plan” that can
only be revealed after he is elected?
M
Answer: By George, I think you got it…W.hoops!
* * * * *
*****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE FRIDAY, SEPTEMBER 22, 2000*****
Republicans born today like to think they can put together a winning team. All you need is a bat, some balls, and a little support, sport….
…God Bless America and protect us all from that dim-witted man with the secret plan…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2000*****
M Republican Presidential Candidate George W.hoops Bush appeared on Oprah Winfrey’s program Tuesday. When asked what the country’s biggest misconception of him was, he answered “that I’m running on my daddy’s name. If my name was George Jones, I’d be a country western singer,” he yodeled. “I’ve lived with this all my life,” he sobbed to her, the strings on his violin playing plaintively. “I luv my daddy a lot. He’s a fabulous man and I’m proud to be his son.”
Mr. Bush took his turn in Winfrey’s chair just one week after Al Gore, his Democratic counterpart, did and tried his best at wooing 7 million women who view the Oprah show daily. “I luv wimmen,” he declared. “Wimmen are the backbone of this nation, and they are also good to sleep with.” He gave Oprah a kiss, which Gore did not. He was aiming for her cheek but instead kissed her ass. When Miss Winfrey, who has gone from losing weight to personal introspection, tried to get him to examine himself, he evaded some of her questions and joked about others. “I wanta talk about God,” he said, growing serious, smirking, and winking at the studio audience of women. His eyes teared on cue in a close-up as he spoke of his wife and the birth of the twins.
“Tell us about a time when you need forgiveness,” said the black host of the popular talk show. “I’m looking for specifics here.”
“Rat now,” Mr. Bush lamented, the velocity on his violin strings increasing. “When my heart turns dark…when I’m jealous and spiteful. I really love everybody. Just give me a chance. I just want to sit in that oral office and play with that red telephone and see what’s inside of that black box. I want to play in that fountain and have a pony named Marconi like Caroline Kennedy did, I want to walk down those red carpets as the Marina Band plays “Hail to the Chef….”
As he tries to find his way back into the lead, George W.hoops Bush finds himself not playing the game as carefully as he did in the spring. At first he would not take any questions--now, with Gore leading him in Republican Arizona by 10 points, he finds he must be open about his life. “I got nuthin’ to hide,” he said, as he worriedly looked in his briefcase, making sure the sealed Kinko’s envelope marked “AWOL--The Missing Year, 1972-73” was still there.
“The Bush campaign got what it wanted out of that interview,” said Karen Hughes, the candidate’s “Man Friday.” “We wanted him to come through unfiltered. The Ronald Reagan School of Acting lessons he took was time well spent. We let him out of his jacket, took off his gag, fed him a light lunch of pea soup, wiped his nose, burped him, put some essence of onion in his handkerchief for the crying bit, and he never let us down. This was the George W.hoops Bush that I am used to seeing every day.”
The Gore campaign team was quick to pounce on Bush’s statement that “a leader is someone who is not afraid to take positions” and pointed out several issues on which he had not taken positions.
“I’m a Christian,” said George softly, confiding to the audience of mostly middle-aged women. “And I believe in not talkin’ about your private sex lives, but in answer to the Gore campaign, I have always taken the emissary position. I knew this champagne was gonna get dirty.”
George W.hoops said that to think he was running for President to avenge his father’s loss to Bill Clinton in ‘92 was wrong. “That would mean that I am running for devenge,” said the candidate. Devenge is a negative thought and I am running for positive reasons. I positively want to be President so I can privatize the nation so that my corporate friends and also my daddy and his corporate friends and Dick and his corporate friends can help all you poor people all the time instead of just fooling you part of the time.…”
Sources say that this statement is destined to be the new slogan next week for the newly retooled retooled retooled campaign.
When asked about his drinking habits, Bush said, his propeller spinning wildly, “I quit drinking when I was 40. Drinkin’ was depleting my reflections, depleting for my reflections with what’s-her-name--that gal I’m married to--and it was beginning to hurt my twin daughters, Sue and Lou.…”
When told later that his wife’s name was Laura and his daughters had been christened “Jenna” and “Barbara,” he said, “I knew those dames sounded similar. These women compromise my family--and so I quit drinkin’. It was beginnin’ to crowd my energy, that gal I’m married to was getting disappointed a lotta evenins’, and one night as we was lying there and I was getting ready for that emissary position, she said, “Stop, Jeb, think about what you’re doing...” and when I stopped, I knew right then it was time for me to quit drinkin.”
Asked to describe a time when he was overcome with doubt, he said, “Well, there was the time when I was sent to a prep school and I started wonderin’ and then I thought, smarts are not if you read or write or do them whole lot of numericals, but smarts is also instinct and judgment and incontinence. I’ve had a whole lot of experience…and dismember this…I am not the type of personage who would talk down to people because of my smarts or education.”
A hush grew over the crowded room when Winfrey asked Bush if he was ready for a quiz and he asked her if he could pee in his own cup. “Oh, no, no, you misunderstand,” said Oprah. “This is a pop quiz.” The candidate replied, “I don’t know nothing about my pop and the Iran-Contra stuff or the CIA. I don’t know nothin’ about Oliver North and drugs, or Barry Seal or the S&L scandals, me and Jeb were never caught on videotape in 1985 picking up kilos of cocaine at Timiami airport, and I don’t know nothin’ about a King Air 200 that those drugs flew in on...but I do know what you’re thinking and what you think when I think it….”
Sources say that it was obvious that George Jr. had been coached. “He is too defensive of his father,” said a spokesman for the Gore camp. They told him what not not to say.”
After a tranquilizing break, Bush answered questions about his “favorite things”…Sandwich?…peanut butter and jelly on white bread; favorite thing to give?…a kiss to his wife, Sarah; fast food?…taco; things he cannot live without?…running--7½ miles three times per day. “And,” the candidate added, “my favorite hysterical figure is Winston Churchill and his ‘I Had A Dream’ speech.”
The program ended with George W.hoops pleading with the people in the studio to “join me in my parade to make this country a bitter space. I will fight for you, I will get your drug descriptions, if you vote for me and I vote for me and my wife votes for me and if Dick votes, that’s a whole lot of numbers. So vote for me. I am a libel. A libel with a pause....”
…And in Big Havana in Little Cuba, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesmoana, clad in her white nylon stretch jumpsuit, her dainty feet encased in 4-inch heels, her long black hair bound by required tradition, exposing her perfect oval face, even white teeth, and full pouty lips, her large dark eyes flashing, her ample breasts straining against the delicate fabric as her breathing grew more rapid with emotion, rushed to a secluded airport outside of Havana and said, “Son of a beech!--They hijacked my plane!”
...And back in Miami, eighty miles away, Governor George W.hoops Bush sat in Governor Jeb Bush’s mansion, dreamily smoking his water pipe, and said, “Jeb, just what are your position?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Windy….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney giving bad signals….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
GOP takes time out--Bush punts….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican candidate,
when asked the question “are you dyslexic?” replied
“no, but I have been known to purge…”?
M
Yesssss! …George W.hoops Bush.
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 21, 2000*****
You are feeling penned up. That’s because you are, inmate, #3301268911.
…God Bless America and let the Republicans’ NEWS be election day blues…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2000*****
M They’re known as the “Iron Triangle”: George W.hoops Bush’s very tight, very loyal, and until recently, very successful trio of top advisers. They are: Karen Hughes, his Communications Director and personal Man Friday; Chief Strategist Karl Rove, who makes sure that Bush conveys the message: Bush is Good, Gore is Bad; and Joe Allbaughs who stays on budget and on top of every detail. These three are known throughout the Bush campaign as the ABCs of Political Insurance Sans System or PISS.
In good times, no leaks come out of the Bush campaign. No internal disputes become public. “Nothing must distract us from our appointed task--to get this rich son of bitch elected or our ass is grass,” said Karl Rove, Bush’s chief strategist today. But Karen Hughes, Bush’s Man Friday, said, “The line between discipline and inflexibility has blurred. I get tired of old George H. W. Bush disciplining us. Spankings are for children, like his son, but I’m a big girl.”
“She certainly is,” said affable, unflappable Joe Allbaughs, the budget man. “She’s big enough to handle George W.” Sources say Bush and Hughes are inseparable. Said to be the perfect reflection of the candidate, “Karen is the campaign’s public face,” said Rove. Bush and Karen have a psychic bond. They call Madam LaTounga on that 800 number every night. Karen is in his skin. Bush knows this, and respects this. He is afraid of her. She is the one who handled the “right rat wing conspiracy” last week, passing out cheese to the reporters and making cute little jokes, and the one who thought of all the excuses for the “asshole” remark on Labor Day, and also the winner of the Campaign Slogan-of-the-Week Contest, by the way. Next week our slogan is going to be “Real People Leaving No Child Behind As They Move Into An Era Of Responsibility Of Making Blue Prints For More Real People With A Reformer Who Gets Results.” Bush likes it because it is short, snappy, and to the point.
Hughes, a former television reporter, was hired by the state GOP to bang Ann Richards in Bush’s run for governor. “She was pretty good at that,” said Rove. “When it comes to banging people, you cannot beat Karen.”
“It’s true,” said Ms. Hughes. “I love the banging. I banged Richards and I’m gonna bang Gore constantly until this campaign is over. I will keep retooling the tools that are on hand. I can be brusque and, if I have to be, physically imposing,” Ms. Hughes stated as she strapped on her pearl-handled Texas six-shooter, a gift to her from Charlton Heston and the NRA. “I am taking care of the entire she-bang.”
It is said that there is much bickering within the campaign. The GOPers in Washington are rumored to be wondering if the Texas-based campaign crew have the savvy to win a national election. “How could they have bungled the debates so badly?” asked Ima Gusher, speaking from the headquarters of Bush United Now Kampaign or BUNK. “Why don’t they listen to our strategy? Why don’t they listen to experienced outsiders more? Why didn’t they shift gears earlier when Gore started coming on strong? Why don’t they tell that little son of a bitch to sober up? And why has he been AWOL from his remedial reading classes? We checked the records today and he has not even reported to the Ronald Reagan School of Acting for over a week--we, here in Washington, feel that this is apparently a pattern established early in his life--maybe back as far as ‘72 and ‘73 and that maybe we just have the wrong candidate. I fear something may be missing.”
But Rove glows when he describes the campaign. “Like Orrin Hatch, I have been there and done that,” he said, jovial and radiating confidence as he popped another Prozac. “Been through this drill--been through this drill,” he sang. “I’ve seen Bush lose in a landslide in Arizona and to Big John McCain in the New Hampshire primary. I knew this race was gonna be tight and I am prepared to see him lose in California, New York, Illinois, Michigan, and even Ohio--that’s how confident I am.”
With his boyish face and bad-boy swagger, Rove is the one who gives the Bush the bad news, feeds him, burps him, and controls him after one of his slogans has failed. He is said to be driven and focused and in the driver’s seat, as he was when Bush ran for Governor against Richards. “The Bushes are good at kicking female ass,” said Rove when interviewed. “Christ, look at the way old George H. W. pounded Ferraro. I wish the shrub was running against Tipper. We know how to handle women,” he added as he patted his secretary’s ample behind. “Just a little TLC.”
The third member of the triumvirate, Joe Allbaughs, is said to be a very good and fair administrator. “He keeps the trains running and enforces the Governor’s good will on everybody whether they want it or not,” said Hughes. “He is very loyal and dedicated to George Bush. He offers his advice quietly and calmly after he has been sedated correctly, helps put together a game plan--makes sure that George’s propeller is spinning, that his Bible is suitably displayed, that his fly is closed, his robe nicely cleaned and pressed, and that his sandals are properly scuffed when he talks to poor people.”
Tom Rath (pronounced Rat-h), a strategist who works with the Bush campaign in New Hampshire, said, “The trio is very loyal to Bush and if he is elected he will probably give them some favors. …As for Bush being defeated? These guys have been right more than they’ve been wrong--some Republicans are nervous about this election--but I feel there is only one solution--Bush needs to be gotten back on that train track and then we can all get behind him and give Bush a Push.”
His robe unflappable and his propeller spinning wildly, when the candidate was asked to comment he said, “I have known the four people in this trio every since I runned against Ann Pritchards for Goobermayoral office back in ‘92. I know we can all agree that the past is over, but that was the yearning point in my life. From this day forward, this champagne is starting from new. I would like to say that unlike Vice Resident Gore, I do not believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans, but then, that’s Washington, the place where you find people getting ready to jump out of the foxholes before the first shot is fired. I am your mandate who can cross all those I’s and dot all those T’s…I am as simple as ABD. Join me in my new retooled retooled retooled champagne as we march ahead with the catchy slogan “Really Really Responsible People Who Use Era and Leave No Child Behind As They Make More Blue Prints With A Deformer Who Gets Insults”…I think that about says it all.”
…And in Big Havana in Little Cuba, Sister Monicaramonapamonadesmoana locked the doors of the Hacienda la Parish today as she prepared to catch a plane stateside where she will meet Little Saint Alien Gonzalez at the Florida site where he was rescued last November. “Thee planz are for me to meet the leetle Saint,” she said today, as her smouldering dark eyes glistened with excitement, her bosoms heaving with each breath as she moistened her full pouty lips and adjusted her white nylon jumpsuit. “But the RNC will greet me firs’ and then I weel be very very hoppy.”
…And in Florida at Governor Jeb Bush’s mansion, Governor George Bush of Texas said, as he scanned the skies, held a rolled up dollar bill to his nose, and sniffed, “You say she’s coming to Florida on a plane? I wonder if it’s a 1982 Beechcraft King Air 200? What kinda cargo are she carryin’?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
GOP running into hot air pockets….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush/Cheney headed for off ramp….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush once again in left field looking for balls….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican candidate is questioning
the morals and character of the Vice President of the United States,
when he himself was part owner of a movie company
that produced snuff flicks?
M
Answer….the envelope please…and the loser is…George W.hoops Bush!
* * * * *
*****THE REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE WEDNESDAY, SEPTEMBER 20, 2000*****
Though Republicans born today are conservative, you might give in and wear a crop top today to display your belly. You are advised to hold on to your pants. Sex just isn’t on your menu. Your top is not the only thing that’s cropped.
…God Bless America and help us to never tire in our desire to beat the rats...
...as we all vote for Democrats…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2000*****
M Governor George W.hoops Bush said today that, “I am retermined to convince middle-income voters that they will fare better under my disposals than under Vice President Al Gore’s.” Clad in his traveling clothes--a snow white robe that is becoming stained as the campaign progresses, wearing his Roman sandals with the stubbed scuffed toes, carrying his rosary-entwined imitation leather Bible, and wearing his yarmulke with the propeller spinning at a dizzying pace, Candidate Bush continued, “I will spend the coming days making that case as dramatically as possible. My massage is going to be: The best way to relieve families is to let them keep some of their own money.”
At his press conference in Austin, Texas, before boarding his champagne plane, reading from a prepared text handed to him by spokeswoman Karen Hughes, who is his constant companion and, as the candidate refers to her, “his man Friday,” he said, “One of the big differences between me and Al Gore is that I want people patrolling their own lives, while he wants to patrol their lives for them. He is getting the horse out of the barn before the cart even gets there.”
“He has retooled his retooled retooled campaign this weekend,” said Ms. Hughes, proudly. “When we left the convention in Philly, it was ‘Leave No Child Behind,’ then it was ‘Real People for Real People,’ then it was ‘Really Really Real People for People that are Real People,’ last week in Washington state it was ‘Ushering In An ERA Of Social Responsibility,’ and this week it is ‘The Blueprint for the Middle Class.’ We feel that if we change campaign slogans every week or so, it will keep people on their toes…we do not want Mr. Bush to sound boring. Mr. Cheney is taking care of that part for us.”
“This documentary,” he said, as he waved the crayon-printed parchment in the air and held his robe shut to cover his open fly, “is a form where everybody can misunderstand and people can see in specific retail what I have to offer.”
It is said that Mr. Bush dislikes being tagged by Mr. Gore as a candidate on the side of big corporations and wealthy Americans. “I am one of you,” he said, casually winking and smirking at a Log Cabin boy. “Just because I am a millionaire and heir to a Bush dynasty built on oil and other slippery things is no reason I cannot relate to you little people. This is what I am good at. I LIKE meeting you people, my fellow citizens. I like interfacing with you.”
“Mr. Bush is finally coming into his own, the way he holds himself, that look in his eye…the way he wears his hat…the way he sips his tea….he is becoming a real take-charge person,” said Ari Fleischer, campaign spokesman, as he fed the candidate his lunch of pea soup, wiped Mr. Bush’s nose with his bib, and patted him gently on the back to burp him. “He is not going to be anything to sneeze at.”
Along those lines, Mr. Fleischer held a conference call with reporters. “We decided that we would talk to those assholes on the phone from now on,” said the verbose Mr. Fleischer. “We don’t want to take any more chances on ‘dead mikes’…although I think everybody realizes by now that the asshole statement was made in a spirit of camaraderie, in the context of one asshole speaking to another.”
It is true that Mr. Bush is on the warpath. While Mr. Gore is leading him in the industrial states, erased Bush’s lead in Florida, and is getting the Teamster’s endorsement in California, a state which Bush will not cede to Gore despite his large lead, Mr. Bush still maintains that the People On Paper Pull, or POP, is going to put him over the top. “I have had my analysts analyzing these whole lot of numbers and anyway you cut it, I am the big cheese,” he said referring to absentee ballots. “I am just getting my second wind…I am going to win, but this is not going to be as easy as one, three, four....”
Mr. Bush took Monday to draw attention to his new emphasis on the retooling of the retooling retooling. This meeting with the press was initiated by the campaign, the first time it had had Mr. Bush contact reporters to talk about his coming days of campaigning. “I am pleased to be here with you deporters,” he said. “I want you to know that I don’t think this is going to be a landslide victory for either componet. Listen, Al Gore is a very tough componet, he is the redundant and represents redundancy.” Pausing to take a sip of “tea,” he continued as he tripped over his Roman sandals, “I, I am the challenger. And a challenger is generally one who comes from the back of the rat pack and wins, if you’re going to win, and that’s where I am coming from.”
As Ms. Hughes guided the obviously overcome Bush-man to the plane, trying to soothe him and quiet his propeller which was in overdrive and heading for a spin, his handlers fastened his jacket. But he managed to say, just before she gagged him, “However, I regret that a private commentary I made to the vice president made it through the public airways….”
“Now you know why I sent that debate tape to the DNC,” said a subdued, red-faced Ms. Hughes.
Adam Clymer, a former Republican and Boston Globe reporter, said, as he unpinned his DOLE button from the lapel of his ‘96 campaign jacket and replaced it with a GO! GORE…, “People On Paper Pull? POP?…a comment TO the vice president? Something is missing…I smell a rat.”
…And in Big Havana in Little Cuba, the Hacienda la Parish et Sister Monicaramonapamonadesmoana is busy today as she and Little Saint Alien Gonzalez prepare to embark on their journey to the states. Little Alien is due to get his new tire from Firestone-Bridgestone sometime today after he conducts services at High Mass. “He weel leaf in the tire and I weel follow on thee plane,” said the Sister today, as she brushed her long flowing black hair back from her perfect oval face, revealing her full pouty lips and even white teeth. “OOPS!” she said, as she almost caught one pink pert nipple in the zipper of her white nylon jumpsuit.. “I am so happy, my cup runneth ovair.…”
…And sitting at Governor Jeb Bush’s mansion in Florida, Governor George Bush of Texas was heard to mutter, as he blew a bit of white powder from his nose and gazed wistfully at sea and said in his best real people voice, “I’d a been a Catholic if I knowed they had HIGH mass.…”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Heat increasing on Bush/Cheney….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP stalled as Democrats take lead….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Bush/Cheney fit to be tied…as Gore scores….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
Whose candidacy does the National Rifle
Association endorse but will not say so publicly for fear
of adverse publicity on the RNC?
M
Answer: You got a bead on ‘em……Bush/Cheney!
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 19, 2000*****
Male Republicans born today spend every night before they go to bed armed with a can of starch. Does it work? Can you keep up your front?
…God Bless America and please let the Democrats keep Gore/Lieberman in their sites…SAG
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2000*****
M As Presidential candidate George WhMMps Bush relaxed at his home in Proffer, Texas, over the weekend, after vowing to work 25-6 to ensure his victory just a little over five weeks from now, the campaign of his running mate, Dick Cheney, has almost come to a stall as the shit has hit the fan.
Citing “cultural differences,” the company that GOP Vice Presidential nominee Dick Cheney headed has revealed that for the past five years it has maintained separate restrooms overseas for its American foreign employees.
Halliburton Oil, of which Cheney was CEO until he retired with a $20 million package to run for Vice President, said that in Mr. Cheney’s defense, he was not aware of the segregated bathroom policy.
“Dick did not know that we had an apartheid policy concerning bathroom facilities,” said Onda John, as she smoothed her seat cover. Speaking from a padded toilet seat in the posh company headquarters, the spokeswoman for the Dallas-based energy services company, a major federal contractor operating in more than 100 countries, said, “However, you need to know that this policy is not meant to demean these little Albanian squatters, it is merely for sanitary purposes.”
“I thought segregation was out in the 60s,” former employee Amy Katz wrote to a friend last September, a month before she was fired by the company in Kosovo. A state department official said he had never seen a similar policy in trips and assignments to four continents. Ms. Katz of Gig Harbor, Washington, says she was a victim of retaliation as a result of reporting sexual harassment, gender discrimination, and concerns about company policies, including the separate restrooms for Westerners and Albanians.
The EEOC has not yet ruled on her complaint.
Cheney, who became CEO of Halliburton, an oil services conglomerate, in October of 1995 and chairman of the board in early 1996, verified that he was unaware of the policy. “With all due respect,” he grunted, “I did not know this was occurring and I do not support sexual discrimination, restroom discrimination, or any form of harassment. I feel that the people who are talking about this are merely a bunch of assholes. Big time.” Halliburton has received $2 billion in federal contracts to support U.S. troops on peacekeeping missions through its Brown & Root Services unit. Coincidentally, Mr. Cheney was Secretary of Defense when this contract was originated. The company has landed peacekeeping-support contracts in Bosnia, Kosovo, Croatia, and Hungary, and also works in the former Soviet Union in a program to dismantle intercontinental ballistic missiles and their silos.
“Not so,” says Mr. Uri Nate, spokesman for AAAH or Albanians Aren’t Ass Holes,” zipping up his fly. “Albanians are not any bigger assholes than the Westerners. While Mr. Cheney may say he did not know this practice existed, it is time he got to the seat of the matter and realized that Albanians desire dignity in the workplace and are placed under a strain in segregated bathrooms.”
In Kosovo, where Brown & Root has more than 4,500 employees, the company has acknowledged that they provided restroom or portable toilet facilities that were different for the local Host United Nationals Group (HUNG) than for the Americans. “The company uses ‘the same basic style of portable toilet for all employees in Kosovo’ but recognizes ‘the cultural differences in how each group uses the facilities,’” they said. “The practice of designated facilities ‘is not limited to the Kosovo area.’”
Mr. Cheney said today when pressed on the issue, “Our hidden restroom cameras, installed for the benefit of our employees and often used as entertainment at company parties, disclosed that Albanians customarily squat rather than sit when going to the bathroom. Our surveillance reveals that they use squat toilets--slightly raised platforms--for defecation and urination. We found that if no squat toilets are available, the little bastards will still squat with their feet on the toilet seats. We Americans resent having to put our big asses on dirty seats--therefore, we have the Western style bathrooms, with the sitters and the pointers, and the Albanian style with no sexual discrimination whatsoever where men and women alike may have the privilege of squatting and shitting in the gutters side-by-side. Halliburton and its affiliates provide an equal opportunity for all.”
One Halliburton official said in clarification, “Any Kosovar who chooses to sit on a toilet may do so.” And pointing, he added, “It is that little wooden building at the back of the lot with a figure of a half moon carved on the door.”
Richard Levinson, associate executive director of the American Services Association or ASS said, “I can think of no health-related reason for segregating them. Heaven help us, Americans are just as big shits as anyone else.” Mr. Cheney countered with, “After numerous surveys, we find that the average American ‘stool’ in there is more solid than the Kosovos’. But Mr. Levinson replied adamantly, “Mr. Cheney has no consistency and is always running off.”
The debate will probably continue. Harry Butt, spokesman for the Vice Presidential Candidate, said today, “Mr. Cheney has always been fair. You will hear all sorts of things--that he dodged the Vietnam war just because he said he had other priorities, all kinds of rumors will be floating, but he is to the point. There are no yellow stains on him. He will prove his intestinal fortitude. Anyone that wants to make an issue out of this is full of crap.”
Candidate George WhMMps said, “I don’t think we need to be subliminabubble about interfacing on this. The best way to get relief is to let them do something because if they do nothing then the analyzations are irrational and we are unfairly put on the spot. No matter what we do, things will come to a head with these little Kosovaoniacs and matters will be constipated.”
Mr. Cheney, in his own ingratiating way, proving that he is at all times the epitome in diplomacy, and why he indeed was chosen to serve as the U.S. Secretary of Defense, said, “It’s time those people either shit or got off the pot.” Rumor has it that Mr. Cheney has been in a foul mood since midweek when his posh executive washroom was out of toilet paper…and that he still has a cob up his ass.
…And back in Big Havana in Little Cuba, Sister Monicaramonapamona disclosed today that she has changed her name to Sister Monicaramonapamonadesmoana, “Eet weel be eezier to remember,” she said today, as she almost zipped herself into her white nylon jumpsuit, barely missing her lush bosom in the process. With her nipples straining against the tight confines as she adjusted her headdress covering her long black locks, she smiled coyly, pouting and dimpling prettily, her oval face framed in time-old tradition, her intense black eyes sparkling with the passion of one truly devoted to a cause, she said, “Alien and I, we weel be leafing soon. We are needed and they are beating the Bushes for us.…”
…And back at Governor Jeb Bush’s mansion in Florida, Governor George Bush of Texas looked anxiously out to sea and said worriedly, “I wonder when that kid and his sister is comin’?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Bush/Cheney caught in Democrat Hail Storm….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
Bush traveling on missed-spokes….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
GOP tossing more foul balls as Bush striking out….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
When you pull up to “fill ‘er up,” who do you think
is reaping the profits from that over $3 a gallon gas you are buying?
Who do you think will be getting rich from your high fuel bills
this winter? …Now think…who are the two billionaire
Texas Oil Men wanting to lead our nation and campaigning on the slogans
“leave no child behind,” “relating to real people,” and
“issuing in an era of ‘responsibility’” …Think real hard, all you
“real people,” and tell me if you don’t smell a rat….
M
You’re too smart. I don’t have to tell you…you already know the answer…it’s as simple as ABC…Always Bush/Cheney…vote Democrat!!!
* * * * *
*****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE MONDAY, SEPTEMBER 18, 2000*****
For Republicans born today, you have just been given a key to the Executive Wash Room. Things may be working out better than you expected. Too bad your candidate is going down the drain….
…God Bless America and help the Democrats give King George the royal flush…SAG
*****THE SAGMEISTER LITTLE CHURCH OF THE NET*****
SUNDAY, SEPTEMBER 17, 2000
Ladies and Gentlemen of the Net, and good mornin’ to yuh, amen.
This mornin’ we have come together on this bee-u-teefull fall day, amen…
…well, I know it hain’t OFISHULLY fall yet, but hit’s agettin’ here…amen….
There’s a song…hit’s a long, long way from June to November,
Amen and halleluiah…
but naow, hit’s oney, about FIFTY-ONE DAYS or so, amen,
until we reach that BIG DECISION in this here month of November…
THE DECISION OF YORE LIFE...
…Amen and halleluiah….
And that DECISION will be in the one YOU choose, amen,
to be yore PREZIDENT…
…Amen and halleluiah….
Now I hain’t agonna tell yew uns how to vote…amen….
I just know that you have INTELLIGENCE and SMARTS,
Amen and halleluiah…
to cast yore ballot for the person that can guide you on in yore life, amen…
…make yore drab surroundin’s maybe just a leetle bit better…amen…
try to help yew with yore livin’ arrangements…
…like a ROOF over yore head, amen, and FOOD on thuh table…
…Amen and halleluiah…
like an EDUCATION for yor chillun, amen, and decent fair WAGES
at a bargainin’ table, amen, decent HEALTH CARE for you and yore fam’lies...
…yore WIFE or yore DAUGHTER’S or if’n yore a WOMAN, amen, YORE RIGHT,
Amen and halleluiah,
to choose what you feel is right for your own WELFARE, yore own BODY…
…Amen and halleluiah,
YORE RIGHT TO BREATHE CLEAN AIR, amen,
yore right to pray NOT IN A PUBLIC PLACE but in the church of yore choice, amen, and in the quiet of yore own home with the roof
and the food on the table and all that.… …Them’s yore RIGHTS…
yore right to colleck yore SOCIAL SECURITY CHECK,
brung to yew by the courtesy of another DEMOCRAT ADMINISTRATION,
Amen and halleluiah,
by another DEMOCRAT PRESIDENT who brung this country out of a depression,
that a REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT, amen and halleluiah, had took us intuh….
And it is yore RIGHT not to have that little STIPEND
WHICH MOST OF YOU SENIORS are a LIVIN’ on PRIVATIZED
by another guy who wants to be yore next REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT….
And remember, it is yore RIGHT to decent health care…YORE RIGHT, amen,
to have prescription medicine to keep YOU healthy and to live a full life,
THIS IS YORE RIGHT…not a PRIVILEGE...
not something that is GIVEN TO YOU BY A POLITICIAN,
Amen and halleluiah…
POLITICIANS don’t give YOU NOTHIN…amen.…
THEY FOOL YOU INTUH BLEVIN’ THEY DO, amen….
So remember, brothers and sisters…don’t vote for one o’ them….
A GRACIOUS GOD HELPS THEM THAT HELPS THEMSELVES…amen…
and if ‘n YOU want to help YORSELF…
step intuh that votin’ booth in 50 some days and VOTE DEMOCRATIC…
because that iz the CLOSEST to a helpin’ YORSELF as yore EVER agonna git….
…Amen and Halleluiah... ...The Rev.
Q Q Q Q Q
*****THE SAGMEISTER WEEKEND UPDATE*****
SATTIREDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2000
MIAMI, FL: In Governor Jeb Bush’s state of Florida, the Broward County Sheriff’s Office said Thursday it will conduct a criminal investigation of three Miami-Dade Police officers who punched and kicked a robbery suspect in southwest Broward County during an arrest shown on live television while the cameras rolled.
“There is a possibility of criminal action,” said sheriff spokesman Kirk Englehardt. “This beating was terrible. One of my officers suffered a badly bruised hand when he was forced to punch the suspect out, another sustained severe damage to the toes of his shoes while he was kicking the suspect, and yet another received a wound in his buttocks when he tripped over the broomstick he was carrying.”
The officer’s Miami lawyer said, “The suspect, John McClellion of Delray Beach, was reaching for the take-down officer’s weapon with his right arm while they were wrestling with him on the ground, his right arm came back, got wrapped around his neck, and he made a move with his left hand to take the firearm…as bad as it looks, and it looks bad especially in the one-thirtieth second of the frame where the officer scuffed the toes of his shoe when he was forced to kick Mr. McClellion, it was all justified.”
Civil Rights Officials said, “This was far beyond reason. One-thirtieth of a second? We smell a rat.…”
The three officers, Mike Ramirez, 26, a 4½-year veteran, Chris Johnson, 34, a 5-year veteran, and Nathan Johnston, 26, a 4-year vet, were involved. The police department would not say what each officer did, but one supervisor said, “Poor Chris almost choked when he swallowed his doughnut hole as he was punching the suspect.”
One officer is said to have pushed McClellion to the ground while one straddled him and another kicked him. “They are a superb team,” said Sheriff Har Trigger. “I never saw such synchronization.…”
“We usually never strike real people in the head, as it can be fatal,” said officer Johnston, wiping the blood from his baton and inspecting his scuffed shoes. “But these people have such hard heads, it usually doesn’t hurt them.”
The suspect was said to be driving a stolen truck that looked like one used in an earlier robbery, and although officers said a weapon was discharged, no gun was found at the scene. It was verified later that a gun had been discharged by one of the officers when the suspect came barreling down on him. “I just discovered that today,” said Police Chief Stanley Livingston, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes. Asked how the black suspect, who was being chased, suddenly turned and was chasing the officer, he said, “It’s the damndest thing I ever saw...like they were playing a game of tag only he was ‘it.’”
Civil Rights Leaders say the conduct of the officers was appalling. “Oh, my God, it’s Rodney King all over again,” said Adora Obi Nweze, Florida NAACP President.
“Ossifers must learn how to handle all typicals problems,” said Candidate for President George WhMMps Bush when interviewed regarding the incident. “They must use their guns and sling their mobility.” When told that one officer had even bitten the suspect, Bush, who is noted for his tough stand in Texas in support of the death penalty, commented in the officer’s defense, “He was only doing his duty and taking a bite out of grime.”
WASHINGTON, DC: The question being asked this week is: Why does Vice Presidential Candidate Dick Cheney’s company, Halliburton Oil, maintain separate bathrooms for Westerners and Albanians at its Kosovo work site. When asked, former Secretary of Defense Cheney replied, “How the hell should I know?”
Cheney, well known for his usual diplomacy in dealing with the press, was interviewed as he emerged from his totally segregated plush CEO cozy bathroom for two which features two sit-down padded toilets and one urinal for Dick, and seemed to be in a dour mood. When questioned further, he said, “I really don’t give a shit.” Reliable sources said the Executive Bath Room was out of toilet tissue and Mr. Cheney was walking like he had a cob up his ass.
AUSTIN, TX: Declaring that he would work 25-6 to beat Vice President Gore, Candidate George Bush embarked on his newly retooled retooled campaign. “I will bring murals back to the White House,” he said today. Bringing up the subject of Gore taking money from lawyers, he said, “This is but the newest vandal to be uncovered in this man’s Solitical career...How much more can we fake?” His sandals scuffed from traveling and his gown coming open exposing some bare facts, his propeller on his yarmulke spinning frantically, he almost dropped his imitation leather-bound Bible as he said, “These realizations about the retential misuages of fun raising is just new evidentaries that my proponet has crossed a really really serious lineage--the solicitaionisms of champagne funs for a residential no no.…”
Later, in an interview with KTTV-TV, the Republican Fox network affiliate in Los Angeles, Bush said, “Respite Gore’s renial that he called the lawyer’s the rein of events sound like a grid pro go.”
When asked what his running mate was trying to say, Dick Cheney said very ingratiatingly, “How the hell do I know?” It was noted that Mr. Cheney was still walking funny.
BUFFALO, NY: Congressman Rick (“The Prick”) Lazio and First Lady Hillary Clinton staged their first debate in their fight for the Senate Seat of Daniel Patrick Moynihan, Wednesday night. Mr. Lazio bragged afterward that he had made the first lady “look sick.” A spokesman for Ms. Clinton said, “She not only looked sick, she was sick. When Lazio invaded her space and insisted she sign a paper he thrust at her, his breath almost knocked her down. There’s a man who is no Mr. Clean.”
Moderator Tim Russert is being harshly criticized for asking Ms. Clinton to apologize to the country for calling the assertions against Mr. Clinton regarding his affair “a vast right wing conspiracy.” Insiders say that Mr. Russert is more than a little conceited, although he insists he has always ended his Sunday Meet The Press with “and that's the way the world was...this day.…”
When questioned, Vice Presidential Candidate Richard V. Cheney said, “I think Jim Russert’s an asshole, big time.”
Mr. Cheney was still walking funny.
…And back in Little Havana in Big Cuba, Sister Monicaramonapamona was seen helping Little Saint Alien Gonzalez prepare for his trip stateside today. Insiders say she was aiding him in packing and assisting him in making all necessary arrangements for his absence. “EE hates to be gone from ees peeple and ees parish, she said, as she unzipped her clinging nylon jumpsuit to reveal her ample bosoms. When asked if she was supposed to be dressed like that, considering her recent appointment to Sisterhood, she replied, “Hi mus’ have the hair to breathe and the sun to shine on me.” As she fixed her headdress in place, pinning up her luxurious black shiny hair, she said, her full lips pouting, “Yas, eeets troo, Hi am a nun but sometimes Hi want some. Hi am going to ask Alien to geef me some wafers….”
And in Little Miami, Governors George and Jeb Bush and the RNC at Kinko’s are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Little Saint Alien, where Candidate Bush was heard to murmur worriedly to his brother, “I wonder where that child are?”
To be continued….
*****The SAGMEISTER Weather*****
Bush/Cheney in for stormy weather….
*****The SAGMEISTER Traffic*****
GOP traveling with rat pack….
*****The SAGMEISTER Sports*****
Democrats yell Foul as GOP steals….
*****THE SAGMEISTER NEWS QUESTION OF THE DAY*****
M
What Republican Candidate for President addressed a group of
National Guard members in California Thursday and talked about “moral integrity”
in the White House, when he himself went AWOL from the
Texas-Alabama National Guard in the year 1972-73?
M
Yep…George WhMMps Bush….
* * * * * *****THE SAGMEISTER REPUBLICAN HORRORSCOPE SATTIREDAY, SEPTEMBER 16, 2000***** Republicans born today are usually vegetarians, although you do like to beat your meat. …God Bless America and please help the Democrats to be on Guard and not missing at the polls…SAG
Sagmeister News August 16-31, 2000